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FIL treated me very badly at Christmas and we haven't seen them since
So this the situation: My husband's family lives in IN and we live in upstate NY. We don't see them very often--just 1x or 2x per year. Last summer we were supposed to visit them, but my 16 y.o. son had to go to summer school and my mother (who lives in VA) was diagnosed with rectal cancer and underwent surgery so I went down to be with my dad for a week. Anyhow, we didn't make it out to see them. They came to visit us around Labor Day and we had a nice visit, so after looking at dh's schedule and the kids' school schedules we decided to go out and see his family for Christmas. What a BIG mistake! We were only there about a day a half when all hell broke lose. My fil went on an errand with my sons and dh to buy hair gel. When they got home he was looking at the receipt and saw how much the hair gel was ($7) and went ballistic. My husband and I tried to tell him that is what the boy wants and then he started yelling at me and telling me I need to tell him "no". He got in my face--so dh told him not to talk to me that way and he sulked off. So this was the day before Christmas Eve. So we sat down (the kids and I) to watch a movie. There is a sofa table behind the couch with a lamp on it. My son was trying to get the sofa to recline and couldn't get it, so he asked me to help. I told him to just sit in it regular, and then he starts whining he doesn't want to--so I get up and try to recline the sofa--and you guessed it, I knocked over the lamp! FIL came storming back in the room yelling "What happened?" I told him what happened, dh and I offered to buy another lamp ($20 at Walmart) and he just kept ranting and raving. We cleaned up the mess, went back to watching tv, but by now you could cut the tension with a knife. Dh came in and said he was going for coffee did I want anything? I should have gone with him, but I tired and just wanted to watch tv. So he and ds went to get coffee. The next thing I know mil comes in and asks if we (my family and I) want to go to dh's sister's house for dinner. I said ok. But we, the adults, were supposed to go out that night. So dh comes home and tells me we're not going out anymore and I tell him I already know that. So we went to her house that night. But I think we really should have just gone home. The next day fil barely spoke to us and the tension was still in the air on Christmas day. We left on the 26th and I was never so happy to be back in my own house in my life!! We have decided that the next time we visit them we will NOT stay at the house.
I have not had to think about this for the past 6 months. But now they want to come visit us in Sept. They will stay at a hotel. So it probablly won't be so bad. We are not going out there this summer bc we are going to take a family vacation. I'm tired of bending over backward and putting myself out and getting pooped on. This is not the first time he has behaved badly towards me, but this was the WORST I've ever had to put up with from him. The funny thing is he'll TALK about having a big happy family, but he doesn't do anything to make that happen. He's critical and mean spirited. Dh and I have been married for 17 yrs. and we've been putting up with his dad (stepdad actually) for all that time. I really don't want to go back out there for the holidays, so I guess the next time we could feasibly go would be when our kids have spring break next year. Do you think I'm wrong to stick to my guns and not go back at Thanksgiving? I know I'm being ridiculous--this is what has gotten me into trouble on the past--my inability to put my needs first!!! Anyway I just need to know I'm not alone and I'm not being selfish. Thanks for listening to me rant.
Re: FIL treated me very badly at Christmas and we haven't seen them since
This doesn't sound very extreme to me. I agree with pp - are we missing something? From what you've written, it sounds like little naggy things are getting to you and now little mole-hills have become mountains.
Have you ever tried visiting and staying in a hotel? Maybe your FIL just doesn't like his stuff being messed with and having kids in the house throws him off a little and he reacts by being cranky? I dunno, it is tough to say based on what you've written alone what is going on but I think that cutting them out seems a bit over-dramatic considering the circumstances. The hair gel thing, I'll give you that one. None of his business. The lamp thing - it is his property and no matter how he reacted, you or your child did break it. Could it have been handled better? Probably, but it isn't a hill to die on - know what I mean?
I would cast a vote on trying to visit one more time but staying in your own hotel room where you're out of your ILs hair and can do your own thing if you want to. Perhaps their mood will be better if your family isn't actually AT their house. It is worth a shot at least?
The part of the story that got to me was him getting in your face. What concern is it of him how much hair gel is unless he buying it? If they are staying at a hotel and your DH wants to see his family I would give it one more try. Only because you said your DH stood up for you. I'd probably never stay in their home again.
Next time get up and walk out.
Yeah you can't be mad that your FIL was upset that you broke something of his. You can't control other people's feelings - you can only control your reaction to them. All you can do is say you are sorry, clean the mess, say you will replace the broken item, and then replace the broken item in a timely manner.
When FIL "got up in your face" is when you excuse yourself from the room and calmly say you will give him time to cool off, but that he cannot speak to you like that again. Next time, leave the house because he's been warned. (Or leave the house the first time, up to you.)
Regarding the hair gel - you and DH are the parents. You don't have to allow grandparents (your parents or in-laws) to tell you and DH how to raise your kids. Next time they tell you that you and DH should say "no" to your kids, you can say, "We do not need to justify why we choose to raise our kids a certain way." (not in front of your kids - but separately)
Overall, it sounds like you and DH need to get on the same page about how to react to family members overstepping their boundaries. Are you afraid to speak about this to DH? You don't need to take everything too much to heart. You can't control what others say or do, but how you respond. And your response is dwelling on this, and probably worrying about what they will or won't say next time you see them.
Good thing: at least the in-laws are staying at a hotel during their visit. You can't control the situation to make everyone magically get along perfectly. By now you know how they will react, and it's best not to expect any different from them or be surprised that they are acting the same way they have been the past 17 years.
Is the problem possibly that your children are not well-behaved?
What does your husband think?
IMO, all holidays are what you make of them. If you will enjoy Thanksgiving without your FIL, then by all means spend it at home or with people you like! But if you're talking about "sticking to your guns...." does your DH feel the same way? Does he feel the same way but feel guilty about saying "no" to his mom and stepdad?
I would skip the holidays this year. Also, in the future, if you see them, maybe you should stay in a hotel. That way you can "escape" when FIL gets in one of his moods.
My grandpa kind of reminds me of your sFIL. He will get mad about someone's behavior, and instead of calmly addressing the situation, he appears to walk around the rest of the day with a dark cloud over his head. He just can't deal with his emotions and let some things slide. He used to be military long ago, and would raise his three boys like military, and then doesn't really know how to cope with this generation so openly talking about feelings.
I'm not saying your sFIL gets a pass, but if you see it that he has difficulty expressing his emotions, then you will see it less of an attack toward you and your family. He could even be passive-aggressive, hoping that you all will change to his liking and until then he will be grumpy - but all you can do is continue to be yourselves, and if he chooses to pout or hold his feelings in, then that is on him.
Definitely stay in a hotel in the future. 8 additional people in their house? That alone may have set your FIL off. I dont' mean to excuse his behavior, but I've had TWO people (My IL's) stay w/ us for ONE night once - and they basically took over our house. I felt put out, I couldn't sit in my own living room and watch what I wanted to watch.
This was largely due to my IL's - they simply aren't good guests. We've hosted MANY other people w/ no issue. But- I can't imagine what it would be like to have EIGHT other people stay in my home.
While he sounds gruff and over-reactionary, at the same time, I'd bet you that a LOT of the tension and frustration will disappear if you don't stay i ntheir home.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with ECB - you brought 8 people to stay in his home, of course he was on edge. From your description of your son sitting in the chair it seems like your son was maybe misbehaving or being frustrating and your FIL disagreed with how you were handling it, which escalated when a lamp was then broken. The other things don't seem like big deals.
Send a replacement lamp or a gift certificate to replace it with whatever they want and stay at a hotel next time, despite their insistance that you stay with them. 8 houseguests, 6 of them kids, is just way too many.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk