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MIL as a grandmother
I have been with DH for eight years, married five, and I am 30 but DH and I are not in a huge hurry to start a family just yet. It?s on the horizon, and a concern of mine is my MIL. Right now my relationship with my MIL is somewhat respectful but borderline just tolerating each other, and that took many years and work to just get to that point. She used to be more passive-aggressive and I used to be less assertive.
Things are somewhat calm now, though I feel like things will go off balance again when I have kids. I have read that a relationship with a MIL can go south again once grandkids are in the picture. I read that the paternal grandmother often is less-close to her grandkids than a maternal grandmother, often because of disagreements between the MIL and DIL. Is there a preemptive conversation that can be held, possibly when I am pregnant, that can be had between my MIL, myself and DH, of what is expected of a grandmother?
My MIL is very overbearing, mostly when it comes to her voicing her religious beliefs. She knows my DH and I do not go to church, and has recently brought up that topic again. I think she will make it her mission to impose her beliefs on my future kids, and my DH says this is a chance for us to teach our kids that many different people have different religious beliefs, even between grandparents and parents. If this becomes a problem, can DH and I ask her to tone it down on her preaching? I want my future kids to have a relationship with their grandma that is not 80% talking about her beliefs, and not always having to defend why my beliefs are different, and for different religious views to be a wedge. Does anyone else have experience with this, and if yes how do you handle it?
Also, I have read that many grandparents don?t respect the general parenting rules established by the parents, and think they know what is best because they have raised kids before. Has anyone had to directly tell their MIL that, ?You need to respect the fact that DH and I choose to raise our children in ways that you may not always agree with,? without starting WWIII? My DH said awhile ago he would say this if its apparent she?s crossing the line, because he already knows he?ll want his kids raised differently than she might want. I?m just curious what others might have experience with when a MIL belittles her son and DIL?s parenting style.
And not just toward my MIL ? my own parents have an attitude of ?hey we survived being kids, you survived, so we must have done something right?. My DH and I like to do research on things and appreciate that times have provided more informed decisions on how to raise kids, mostly in regards to science and studies in psychology. I don?t want to imply that how DH and I were raised were wrong ?but more in that times have changed and will always change, and that each parents in each subsequent generation will try to raise kids the best way possible with the knowledge available.
Sorry this is all over the place. I do eventually want to be a mom. I just wish I could do or say something when I?m pregnant, to help set the stage for good boundaries with the MIL as she becomes the grandma to my future kids. (And she is already a grandmother to now young adults. I witnessed many visits between her and her grandkids at holidays, and it seemed like she cared more to convert them, than to get to know them as individuals, and that pushed them away. Those grandkids don?t really want to talk to her, and my guess is because they don?t want to just be preached to. I don?t want the same relationship to happen with my future kids.)
Re: MIL as a grandmother
There's no reason to stress over this.
Make mental notes, discuss with DH, and address when necessary. Discussing before you have kids or items come up will just create tension.
So....you aren't even close to TTC yet but you are already stressing about your MIL as a grandmother (to your non-existent children) and creating issues between you and her with no basis in reality?
GET.A.GRIP!
I had also posted this in "the bump" under "parenting" and am thankful for the advice there and here. I think I allowed myself to get anxious because things with MIL were really bad when I got married, and are sorta calm now, and I'm afraid things with MIL will get bad again when I have kids. I saw her last week and she had grandma books everywhere and was all of a sudden talking to me about religion again after many years being silent about it. I'd be naive to think that being a parent doesn't have its conflicts with grandparents. She lives nearby and I don't see her much now, but know this could change once I have kids and it makes me nervous.
And you're setting yourself up for problems by inventing them before they even exist.
Have you ever head of a self-fulfilling prophecy? It basically means you hold a preconception about a person; because of this, you treat them in ways that actually elicit behaviors that confirm your preconception.
If try to go in with some sort preemptive strike, you will have problems. No question.
You'd be best to stop fretting over this and just deal with issues as they arise. Give her a chance to be a good grandmother rather then setting yourself up for conflict.
This. I would not bring up anything until you are actually expecting. Also, you and DH will be the parents...you raise your children as you see fit. Just like your MIL raised hers as she saw fit.
Nope.
Sorry to state the obvious. But if anyone captured the exact, right conversation with their MIL while pregnant - then they'd sell it, make millions and you'd have heard about it.
So, since that never happened, lower your expectations that you can change her. Because everything you listed was one way or another, a request to change her. Let go of that.
You have the ultimate power. Just leave. Leave when she's not doing what you want. Leave when she goes overboard on the religious conversion. She'll hate that and curb her chatter to get more time. And I need to point out that you said the grandkids got turned-off from her dogma, all on their own. If you want to an open-minded child, this person won't prevent it - case proven.
This happened with my mother. She views parenting in a different way than I do. She kept butting in and undermining me/us with SS1 and SS2. During one of her comments "I know how to raise children..." I said "I know you do and you made your choices and now I am making mine." We had a few conversations since then that have been essentially although I respect her and my childhood, my decisions with the boys may be different than hers and she will need to respect my choices.
Example: My brother and BIL smoke. I do not allow SS1/SS2 to stand outside and talk to their smoking uncles. We believe smoking is bad and don't want it to be viewed as "cool." Mom vocally disagreed with me; I firmly said "this is not your decision."
As full disclosure, I think my mom is awesome. She was an amazing mom for my sister and me. That doesn't mean that I need to parent the same way.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Thanks! I like the direct "This is not your decision," for an immediate response when MIL or my own parents try to undermine my parenting in the future.
Worrying about something that has not even happened yet just creates unneeded drama. While there are some things that are good to be prepared for, trying to prepare yourself to stand up to your MIL in the event that you have children is going to just create a lot of anxiety on your part. If you focus more on standing up for yourself and being unapologetic when your beliefs differ, by the time you have kids and this becomes an issue, you'll have so much practice doing it that it won't be a problem anymore. If you find you can't do this alone, you can go to a counselor to help you with that, or find an assertiveness training class.
You say you read a lot of stuff. There is stuff about everything out there that may not pertain to your situation. And your MIL is not going to be the only person trying to get you to raise your child a certain way. You need to learn how to say 'I'm the parent' to more than your MIL.
I have to agree AND disagree with this. Yes, it will create tension, but when would be a better time for the tension? Before a baby is in the picture, or when OP is a new mom and MIL crosses a line? I am going through this EXACT situation, and my DH as well as my BIL and SIL are going to have this discussion with ILs BEFORE any of us pregnant because we feel it's necessary for them to know how the relationship and appropriate behavior around the grandkids will be. In my situation FIL will NEVER be alone with my children, or my BILs kids.....so we think it's best to tell them BEFORE there are children involved so they can work out their anger, sadness, or any other emotions before we bring a child into this world. I think it's smart to sit down and hash out boundaries before TTC because that will decrease the chances of stressing out a new mommy.....
Sounds like you have a very specific situation.
My point is, unless there is some sort of specific safety concern, how can you assume how someone will react or behave?
I think that sometimes "apprehensions" or anxieties about the what-ifs are fueled based on knowing someone. OP has been with her DH for a long time, and probably knows her ILs pretty well....so her anxieties are probably based off of how her MIL reacted to certain things or something like that. But yes, my situation is very specific. My FIL beat the crap out of my DH (not his 2 brothers) growing up and bullied him like crazy and my MIL did nothing.....so they won't be around my future kids. If she doesn't stick up for her own children, she certainly won't do it for mine. And seeing as though my DH and I are the black sheep of the family, I'm worried there might be encouragement to ostracize my future kids. (I GET that I am ostracizing them by saying I don't want them around my ILs, but that's for their own safety and mental health - at least until they're older).
OMG, your poor DH.