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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Momas Boy?
My husband of 1 month clings to his mother wayyy too hard. I love him more than anything but i cant stand that he wont do anything without his mother saying ok. he asks his mother permission to do things that grown people wouldnt think twice about asking about. i dont want to sound bitchy but i didnt want to marry his mom, i wanted him.
Re: Momas Boy?
Sorry, sis, but I will not sugar coat this one; I'm going to tell it like it is:
You KNEW this before you married him.
There is no way that this happened after you said I Do.
And if you didn't want to marry his mom, you never should have married him.
And if you wanted to marry a mature man who can think for himself, you never should have married who you married. You should have taken a walk when you saw what the story was.
There is nothing here to love.
You see, when you get married, you and your husband have formed a new family unit: you and he. Everybody else doesn't count: what do you think the vow "forsaking all others" pertains to?
There's going to be nothing you can do about this, sorry.
I sympathize with you...that isn't any fun and is very annoying. BUT...
He was like this before the marriage.....right? Marriage doesn't magically change people or make them grow. And no...being his wife and wanting him to change is not a good reason either. You either do not marry him to begin with or you love him and accept him the way he is.
Not saying a change isn't possible. They just have to do this on their own because they want to. And again...you being his wife won't magically **want** him to change. Mamas boys are pretty hard to deal with.
I would suggest calmly talking to him and not attacking him about it. If you at least bring it to his attention you might get somewhere. But don't recommend nagging him about it.
So the question for you is whats more important..the marriage or you not being married to that type of guy
It's a pretty good bet that both are quite young, perhaps very young 20s.
This may also be cultural --- in certain cultures, it is normal for a male to see the mother as a "wife" of sorts; they don't breath, eat or sleep (the "sleep" is on a figurative level) without the mother.
The wife takes a back seat. That is how it is in certain cultures.
If this is age or cultural, you are more or less in the same boat: there won't be a change.
And if this guy is older than mid-20s and it's not a cultural issue, bad news.
More backstory from the OP would help.
You could suggest you both go to marriage counseling so a professional can tell him why boundaries are important. The counselor can describe how getting married doesn't mean his mom won't be in his life anymore, but that she is now a different role in his life. And that if he wants his marriage to be healthy, he needs to recognize he and you are a unit first above all, because you and him get 50% of say of how you both manage your lives moving forward. (Not 50% husband vote, 25% mother vote, 25% wife vote)
You can say that with your marriage so new, that the foundation of your marriage needs to be in proper balance now and not later, and that this step should have been taken earlier but only now did you see how off-balance things are.
He needs to feel like he is not being attacked - he is probably feeling torn between still being a good son while also taking on the role of being a good husband. Treat this with kindness and he'll hopefully recognize that this is an adjustment period.
My husband is also a Mama's boy. We got married when we were 25. I knew up front that he was, but like you...that still wouldn't have stopped me from marrying him!
My recommendation to you is to be open with him. Let him know how it makes you feel when he runs to mom for everything....like you're second fiddle and it that's not what marriage is supposed to be. You don't want him running off to talk to mommy if you two get in a dissagreement, etc.
What worked for us was me bringing up marriage counseling. It really showed him how serious I was and it wasn't cool. Let him know up front that there is nothing wrong with counseling and it will only make you stronger as a married adult couple. We went to several counseling sessions and learned a lot...and it was nice to be very open and honest...having sort of a buffer there (counselor). We got a lot of things off of our chest and now work well in dealing with his overbearing mom. He's much better now...approaching 30 though.
I think it will get better and easier the older you two get. You're both VERY young to be married...so just hang in there and communicate...never stop talking to him about what upsets you!