Relationships
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How to broach the subject with the husband ...
I have been married to my husband for a year and a half (together for over 5). We had an accelerated kind of relationship. Moved in together after dating for 6 months, got engaged after 2 years, and now married! Everything has been lovely up until we purchased our first home (last September). All of the "home needs" have fallen onto my shoulders (cooking, cleaning, maintenance, laundry, etc.) and I'm getting quite frustrated at the lack of equality when it comes to these kinds of things. I have mentioned this to him numerous times and I get the standard, "Yes, I'll do more, I promise" speech but nothing huge ever happens. He does make more money than I do (which I am more than thankful for), so he pays the mortgage (with lots left over for him) and I make considerably less than he does, so I pay our maintenance fees (with very little left over for me to purchase grocceries and other things that we need). I mentioned to him again that I feel things are unfair in the relationship and he said that he feels things are unfair with him paying the mortgage and me not paying what he feels is my "fair share". How do I eloquently let him know how I feel without starting an argument? Is this normal for "newer" marriages? I love him to the ends of the earth, but I just want him to recognize that though I don't financially contribute towards the mortgage, I do pay the maintenance fees and contribute in other ways which I feel is my fair share.
Re: How to broach the subject with the husband ...
I agree with this.
And once you marry it's our money. Not his and yours. Even if you aren't combining incomes.
I agree with others. My husband is currently not working, as he is going through dental school. I am making 100% of our income, but we still discuss financial decisions together. I would never dare to say something along the lines of "my" money to him, it would be completely disrespectful to him and makes it seem as if I am more important or dominate because I make the money.
"My" bills and "His" bills, when it comes to living expenditures just does not work for me. I think that all couples should work together to make a household and a family work. Otherwise you are just roommates. Marriage is supposed to be a joining of two lives. You should be able share everything together, including your feelings, thoughts, frustrations, etc.
I'm a guy, but I completely agree with what the others are saying....when you marry, it is not "roommates" who split bills, but a "team" who work together for the good of all (which may or may not include children) but the idea of his money and her money and his bills and her bills is gone! There is only "our" money, and "our bills" and "our savings" and so forth.
All contributions towards "our goals" count...money, washing clothes, gassing up the car, whatever, and all are important.
Money here is the symptom, not the problem. The problem is a lack of unity, a lack of respect, a lack of understanding that marriage is a team (you-and-me against the world kinda thing) and even if this has not shown up in other areas yet, it will! A couple needs to discuss, and decide jointly, on in-laws, vacations, vocations, religion, children, savings.....and sometimes, the choice involves less of "what I want" and more of "what is best for us"....and no one partner on the team has to give in/give up all the time.
If you can't have this honest discussion now without help, get a counselor, a clergy member, or someone trained like that to help facilitate the conversation. This support person will not provide answers, only a forum for true communication to take place.
But, also realize that guys can be immature (yes, I say that, and will likely be castrated by other men for telling the truth) and they need time to grow, and adjust and accept the responsibilites of marriage....which will, in the long run, also bring the greatest joys in life....having a real, true, partner who is always at your side, always on your side, one you can trust completely.
I'm sorry you're not there yet, but, don't give up hope! Good luck!
The first time my husband said something about him making more then me and contributing more (We werent married yet, but living together and engaged)..was the last time.
You're married, and that means what his is yours and whats yours is his. There is absolutely no reason YOU should feel like you cant have any play money left over when he has plenty. I sit down and tell him straight that you are married now, and your finances are combined.