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How to handle this "friend"
We met a couple and became very close to them very fast. Long story short she was going through a trial and had a sick child (child is no home). I pretty much dropped my priorities and helped her as much as I could. I drove her to hospital, we took them to dinner, put together a prayer group for him and basically dropped a lot of things to help them because well, they needed someone to help and she didn't have close friends anymore or close family really. I also did a free hand painted mural for her that took about 6 hours. I'm not the kind of person that expects a lot or anything in return back, but after having my second pregnancy loss I didn't expect her to say the things she said to me.
Three days after finding out no heart beat almost close to being into second trimester Dh went over to their house to drop some things off. He asked if I wanted to go because he felt bad leaving for a few min. without me. I told him that being around their two young boys was just hard because it reminds me of my baby with no heartbeat and its such a trigger seeing babies. He understood and agreed and was back within a few. I got an urgent text from "friend" saying she needed to speak with me. At this point 3 days after bad news I wasn't speaking to many people but knowing she went through a lot to conceive and have her children I thought she knew my feelings better than anyone.
She awkwardly said when I called her , "Ya know it would have been really nice to see you". I replied saying yes it would, but right now its hard for me to be around kids. She interrupted and starting going off on how this really bothered her and she needed to speak with me immediatly because she couldn't hold it in. She said her boys weren't just any boys and they are miracles and I should look at them for hope for myself. And went on about her losses and what we went through and that I should not be envious about her situation at all. I should not be pushing out friends and family at this point and how if I would have come over I would have been "taken care of by her". She then went on about her back history of what she went through conceiving the boy and how I don't appreciate what she opened up to me about. Instead of just hanging up the phone I nicely tried to tell her that as of right now Its just too painful to look at a child and not want to vomit or have an anxiety attack. She then went on to tell about how not now but in about a month I need to realize my DH has needs too and focus on that again. Uhm what? She then ended the convo and said she will just pray for me.
The next day I decided I needed to be honest and tell her she really hurt my feelings after the situation was calmed down. I called her and nicely explained how she made me feel (I don't think I could take what she said in a good way? where is there anything to twist she was pretty blunt?) She said I was twisting everything. Everything I said back to her was exact words she had said and all because of me saying " its hard for me to be around kids right now". I told her I appreciate her opening up to me and she interupted again saying "oh ya the stuff I wish I never told you". I moved the conversation to saying Im sorry I didn't react the way you wanted to its just hard for me right now, and she huffed saying you will just never get it, I guess you didn't see what I went through. And ended that convo with "well I have my two boys to get to, one just woke up from the nap and the other needs me".
Two days later she sent me a text saying she was sorry but it just didn't feel heartfelt and I think she did it because her Dh probably told her she was out of line ( he has had to do this before). I just don't think I could be friends with her anymore and we were close to this couple. My DH understands why I don't want to be around her and agrees that she's kinda crazy cakes. I ignored her text and maybe I'm just in a fog of whats going on but would you personally tell her why the friendship is done through a letter or email or would you just ignore text and calls. A part of me feels If I just ignore her that is immature on my part. How would you handle this? A part of me also feels her actions should have a consequence and I now know why she doesn't have many friends.
Re: How to handle this "friend"
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I know I don't know you but my heart goes out to you.
In regards to this "friend"...Be done with this emotional vampire.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm so sorry for your loss, I hope you are taking it easy and surrounded by supportive people, and then dealing with the "friend" on top of it.
Your friend took your sorrow and selfishly made it about her. Right now you and your husband need to do what is best for both of you in grieving and coming to terms. You do not need any toxic people in your life, and clearly she's out of touch with reality. She doesn't let you get a word in and she was extremely insensitive to you. She probably can't be "reasoned" with and won't ever think she did anything wrong, no matter how logically you present it to her. But right now, you and your husband should turn to people who are supportive and won't add any negativity to your life.
This just seems like a friend you're better off without in all honesty. You were there for her in her time of need and she didn't step up. I wouldn't waste energy trying to mend things or accept a BS apology right now, because it's only going to emotionally drain. Time may make it easier to confront her and make your peace, but for now, it just seems like this girl fails to think before she speaks and will keep acting like a jerk.
hang in there, all the best to you and DH
Now that I'm not on my iPad - I wanted to say that I'm so sorry to for your loss.
For her to claim that she "understands" because she's had problems and then to say all the stuff she said? No, she doesn't undrestand. She sounds like a VERY self-centered person and someone who will take, take, and take but then won't give - even if it's space that is needed.
As I said before, I'd just back off and create some distance. If she actually comes to you and asks what's going on, I'd leave it VERY simple - "I am still upset and I need some distance right now".
I really believe that it isn't realistic to expect 'closure' w/ ending friendships, especially w/ someone like this. Anything you write to her or say to her - she will twist it around. She doesn't sound like someone who can admit that they were wrong. She's too caught up in herself.
So anything you say to her will only be met w/ defense on her end, and YOU'LL end up more frustrated and upset.
THe consequence to her actions is that she's lost a friend. SHe'll feel that. You don't need to tell her that.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm very sorry for your loss, and on top of your loss, for having to deal with such a toxic person right now.
Your post was actually very helpful to me with a past friendship I had. The ex-friend of mine did not have any friends, and I met her through work, and within a couple of weeks it was way too instense. I felt like she was digging her claws into me, and even gave me a card that described what qualities she wanted in a friend. She made me feel like I was her side-kick, and that her opinion was above mine, and that somehow I was supposed to feel lucky to learn from her. It was extremely overwhelming. And if I had a different opinion than her, she felt very threatened by it.
If I didn't work with her, I could have easily slowly stopped returning her phone calls and say it was because I was busy. However, because I worked with her, and I felt the need to let her know I couldn't be friends with her, only coworkers, and she did not take it well. I made the mistake of pointing out some reasons why we could not be friends, and at first she tried to make my life miserable, and then later I found out she saw a shrink to work on her issues...which is good for her and all, but she then let me know that she thought she was somehow "all better" and that she decided it was time for us to try to be friends again. But I still didn't feel good about it, and declined, and she told me that she went to a shrink to fix her problems, and that I was being unreasonable for not wanting to give her a second chance. (She wanted me to magically forget about how cruel she was after the friendship ended.)
Long story short, I think your "friend's" nature is to be controling, and even with therapy, this might never go away. She is one of those people who thinks she's doing well by telling others what to do, but lacks major empathy and the respect that each person has their own reasons for making different choices.
I've actually met multiple people like this (and avoided friendships from many like this), and if they are fully aware of their behavior, their common excuse is: "But I'm passionate." They should replace the word "passionate" with "overbearing": "Unpleasantly or arrogantly domineering; masterful, domineering, arrogant, haughty".
There is not much luck with closure with communication with her. The only closure you can get is assuring yourself you are doing the right thing by moving on and finding friends who give you space to make your own decisions in life, and who praise you for your differences that make you uniquely you. Don't feel guilty for protecting your emotional well-being.
Why in the world do you feel the need to educate her as to why she is weird and offensive? Why is that your J.O.B.?
You were not close. You were super, duper friendly until YOU needed something. Then she was a freak who squashed your experiences, invalidated your feelings and used your pain as an excuse to emote about her maternity and experiences. She's really weird.
It happens.
Sorry about your m/c. I hope you you remain in good health and have very happy, healthy pregnancies in the future. And if not, your life will be full and complete without children.
She needs some work. You do not have to provide it.