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Back for more advice regarding family: updates too
If you all missed the back story, here is the original thread:
http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/thread/65196554.aspx
The good news is there was a family therapy session and I actually have had a bit of space and a lot less pressure on supporting my sister and having to come around all the time because of my distancing myself.
The bad news, my sister has still been lying, sneaking around with this ex bf/drug addict therefore continuing to lie and steal from family as well as use drugs. She didnt finish her outpatient therapy/drug rehab and has been allowed to move back home. (again my parents continue to enable!). My dad finally got fed up after finding this out at the second therapy session and said fine, go with this BF or go to inpatient rehab but you cant stay here, you have to pick. Well the BF said i dont want her ill change my number and move, but i dont want her.
So shes in inpatient about 2 hrs away from home. Since then, my mom has texted me multiple times to write to her and go visit during visiting hours. I am not really sure i want to go. I guess I should to support her, but i just dont know how to reply or get my mom to understand that I am weary and feel cheated too. Not to mention, she wants me and my DH to go and i just dont think its appropriate or my husband's place to visit...it would just make him uncomfortable since he really isnt close or have that kind of relationship with my family because of all the turmoil since day 1.
I just dont know how to reply to the text without making an excuse/lying for my husband OR without being honest and causing a whole bag of trouble. I get i should go...i guess, but should my DH really have to? If yes, fine, but if not should i just say hes not going or is it ok to just say hes busy?? Again i dont want to lie, but i just dont want trouble and would really like to stay out of this whole mess but it doesnt seem to be working...
Re: Back for more advice regarding family: updates too
Is she even allowed to have visitors right now? From my experience with a relative in rehab, the patients (not sure if that is the word they use) were not allowed to have visitors for the first 30 days. They had to work on themselves first.
Then the facility had a "family (and / or friends) weekend" a few weeks before the 90 days (end of treatment) was up.
Personally, if they had a family weekend, I think it would be beneficial for you to go. Not necessarily your H - and probably when your parents aren't there either! The family weekend involveds a lot of Al-anon talk, etc. Your family obviously has boundry problems (as evidenced by your mom's texting and the fact that you feel obligated to respond).
If that kind of program is not available, I would go to Al-anon for a few weeks before seeing yoru sister. Do not think of going to Al-anon as devoting even more time to your sister.....you come from an obviously dysfunctional family with co-dependency issues, and you need to learn to deal with them, because they will be around for as long as you have your parents and your sister in your life.
In the meantime, don't answer your moms texts if you don't know how to respond. You don't owe her a response. She really is part of the problem. I like the first posters response about how you need to be in a good place before you see your sister. But really, I wouldn't respond. Let her see that by pushing your twin down your throat, she is alienating you.
This. If that doesn't work, reply "thanks mom, I'll think about it." Repeat.
You need to not only follow through on this but also tell your sister: you will not be in contact with her until she stricty adheres to the above statement.
AlAnon for you, stat. AlAnon will teach you how to love an addict.
In the meanwhile, do not fall for her sob stories and DO NOT give her money.
"Mom, I respect how invested you are in sister's recovery. I am ready, willing and able to participate whenever she asks and her counselors recommend it. I love you and I know you have love in your heart when you make these requests. But you have to let sister lead her own recovery. And it has to be supported by her counselors. You can't do it for her. I say this kindly - this has to be about what she wants, not what you want. "
Your mother has done a really poor job of managing your sister's addiction and recovery. I would make point of directing next steps by your SISTER and her addiction counseling team. If your SISTER wants your DH at a session, I'd ask her team what the value would be and make the decision based on that. If those pieces were in place, I hardly imagine that your DH would hesitate to participate, but that's because you both would TRUST that it was part of a safe, therapeutic process. Not more of your mother's drama and grandstanding.
This. Exactly this.
If you go to see your sister, do it for you. Do not do it out of guilt, or before you feel ready.
But honestly, you don't sound like you want to do it at this point in time. That's perfectly okay, and is your decision. Your mom needs to respect that and back off.
I think your mom is harassing you with text messages, and that in itself can be a real drag during your day. You are being constantly reminded of this drama and your mood is probably being yanked around tremendously. My suggestion would be to tell your mom that your text plan has changed, and you are not going to be texting for awhile, and block her number from receiving texts.
(Otherwise, I would suggest you tell your mom that she must not text you about your sister, or your mom pushing you to do anything really, but that avenue seems pretty dim at this point.)
I talk to my parents about once a week on the phone, and both do not use text messaging, so you can maintain a relationship with them without text messages.
Thank you all for your advice and sincerity. I am going to take alot of your advice to heart and do my best to follow through. It makes me feel good to know I am not alone in thinking my mother is trying to manipulate and guilt me...shes really good at it and good at playing dumb when I call her out on it.
I will probably go see my sister since i think its part of the healing process. She and I have talked about my feelings toward her since this has been ongoing and she has tried therapy and other treatment before. But of course they were unsuccessful and yet my mother still doesnt understand why i say i am hesitant to really put in effort.
I really like the advice about not texting. I will see what i can do about that since i think it is a big problem in our communication.
You would really benefit from Al-Anon meetings. It's free and for family members of drinking/drug addicts, just like you. They've been there - lied to by the user and guilt-ed by family members. Meetings happen everywhere.