Family Matters
vmacneil1
member
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Choosing a Date
I am having a very tough time finalizing a wedding date. My fiance and I have picked a date three different times, but none work for my Mother and brother who may be deployed at the time. 75% chance he will be deployed, but has said it could change. My mother is furious that we arent moving it to a date he 'might' be here. I love my family, but this day is about me and my fiance. The drama this is bringing is only causing stress and I need some advice on how to move forward.
Re: Choosing a Date
All you can do is tell your mom that you've tried your best to accommodate your brother, changing the date three times, and at this point all you can do is hope he can be at the wedding. The show must go on. Your brother will probably understand, and your mom will just have to get over it. You can have a "Plan B" if it turns out that your brother can't make the wedding, like maintain the wedding date and plan a separate weekend getaway with your brother and family (and DH) to help make your brother feel included in the celebration of the union. After all, a wedding is mostly a celebration of the union, even if the celebration takes place multiple times. (Similar to a destination wedding, and later a reception at hometown for people who could not afford to go to the destination wedding.)
I have a friend of a friend who chose a wedding date, and soon after discovered her SIL is due the day after her wedding, so her brother and SIL will not be at the wedding because they'll be in a different state preparing to have a baby. Not everything can be controlled.
If you've made genuine attempts to find a date and one just can't be found - then move forward. Yes, it would be ideal if your brother could be there, but you and your FI shouldn't have to hold up your lives because of your brother.
At some point you're going ot have to tell your mom "I've tried and its not working. I want him there, but I'm not going to put my life on hold indefinitely. I know this upsets you, but this is the decision that FI and I are making.".
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I had a similar problem. My brother was already deployed and we didn't know when he would be coming home. It turns out he made it home a day before my wedding and it was great that he could be there, but we didn't change the wedding date because there is really no way to predict deployment dates these days. Stick to your date and eventually your mother will get over it.
Just go with what works best for you & your fianc?.
My H and I planned our date because working around his work schedule was most important for us. It turned out to be terrible timing for my mom and one of my sisters and her H. It all worked out though.
So, she's furious. She'll get over it.
She's probably more upset that you're more interested in pleasing yourself, than her. You have to teach her that your world doesn't collapse just because she's mad at you.
If you're counting on her finacial support to do this wedding, reconsider her help and do a simplier wedding of your own budget and choice. If you're already doing that, act like it.
It sounds like your mother is looking at this as a family affair, and less about a celebration for you and your fiance. With the military, there is truly no way to know if he will be there or not, even if he has 'firm' dates. There really are no 'firm' dates when dealing with deployment, and many times, they can know when they are coming but are not allowed to tell you, so they can only say 'soon', or 'in a couple of weeks'. And there's a chance that something may change and he may be home or his tour extended or in training or something.
Coming from a military family, I can tell you that when someone joins the military, not only are they signing up to make sacrifices, but they are signing their family up for those sacrifices as well. Some people handle it better than others. Having one child in a war zone and another child getting married can be a very big adjustment for a parent. There are many ways you can plan to make your brother a part of the wedding if he cannot make it. You could put something in the bulletin. I've heard of many service members being able to skype during the event, or prerecord a message to the bride and groom to be played during the event. Your mother might feel better if you assure her that you will try your best to make him included. If your brother understands how it is, maybe you can ask him to talk to your mother and ask her to back down. Good luck!