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Inlaws to be uninvited to a wedding - WWYD
Backstory - There is a wedding in three weeks - DH and inlaws are going (I'm not because I'll be waaaay pregnant and the wedding is 7-hours away from home in a fairly remote area). Groom is a friend if DH's from late middle school and mother-of-the-groom is close friend of MIL.
New Story - DH gets a phone call last night from groom basically a "heads-up" there is a situation involving your parents. Long story short, about three years ago my MIL said something to the mother-of-the-bride and the MOB has decided now that MIL CANNOT be at the wedding.
Now, I'll admit my MIL says wildly inappropriate statements at wildly inappropriate times. DH will admit the same. However, in this case, everyone (including groom and bride) agrees MOB is being irrational.
Groom thinks the only solution is to uninvite my inlaws. That seems to be the route they are going to take.
The question for us: Does DH back out of attending the wedding if they uninvite his parents?
We're far enough out that they haven't put in a plate number (so there would be no financial ramifications for whomever is paying). No matter what, we're going to take heat for the groom uninviting my inlaws. And I understand why my inlaws would/will be furious. It seems that if inlaws are uninvited and DH still goes, that is tacitly being ok with the solution. We'd like to completely stay out of the drama, but this is a direct shot at DH's parents so ultimately we'll have to make a decision of whether DH does or does not attend the wedding.
Thoughts?
Re: Inlaws to be uninvited to a wedding - WWYD
What does your DH want to do? Drama aside- does he WANT to go to this wedding alone 7 hours away?
If he doesn't, then the easy response is "hey, dude, I don't want to get caught up in the drama, but based on the distance of the trip, if my parents aren't going to be going, I'm not going to come either. It's a long trip to make alone.".
If he does want to go, then he can try telling his parents "look - this is between you and them. I'm staying out of it. My friend is getting married and I want to be there for him. " and leave it at that.
If he wants to go but really feels that he "can't" (even though I personally think it would be ridiculous to not go), then I'd probably still use the first "excuse" I wrote above. Too long a trip to take alone.
But seriously- if he doesn't go out of "solidarity", then it's really another lesson to his mom that she can be inappropriate and get away with it. Right now- as preposterous as this all seems - at the same time, the MOB is finally holding your mom accountable for her bad behavior.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If I was your H I would still go to the wedding. The groom sounds like he is just uninviting the parents to avoid drama, which even though it's not an awesome thing to do it might actually be a smart thing to do during a stressful time. I don't see why your H needs to punish them by not going (unless he doesn't want to go). especially when this issue with his mom has nothing to do with him, she needs to deal with it herself and apologize to the MOB.
I see absolutely no reason why your H wouldn't go.
DH is fine going to the wedding alone - there will be a lot of our friends in attendance so he wouldn't be alone, just without me. I would love to go, but am just way too far along in the pregnancy to travel that far. Husband was planning on driving himself anyways so that he (a) has a car if I go into labor and (b) he would probably go nuts driving 7-hours with his folks. So unfortunately, the "too long of a drive alone" excuse is out.
Usually I would say MIL is out-of-line and deserves what she gets, but in this case I don't think the punishment fits the crime. As far as I can tell, the comment she made, while not in the best judgment, doesn't deserve to be uninvited from the wedding. I completely agree that MIL too often does not experience consequences for her behavior. In this case though, I don't think there would be any potential learning opportunity since the response would be so far overboard.
The bride and groom both think uninviting my inlaws is irrational and that the MOB is making something out of nothing, but neither seem to be willing to put their foot down.
I suggested just having MIL apologize to MOB, but groom thinks (based on both women's personalities) that a mediated sit-down (and he could arrange that through his Mom) wouldn't happen and/or wouldn't have any impact. Maybe I can have DH suggest that and have the two parties at least try.
I don't want us in the middle. If inlaws get uninvited and DH goes to the wedding I think (and DH thinks too) it'll cause major problems in our relationship with his parents. If inlaws get uninvited and DH doesn't go to the wedding, I'm not sure what impact that would have. DH and the groom are talking again today, and I suggested he talk to the groom about the impact on their friendship.
Right now I feel like we're being punished and we have nothing to do with the whole mess. Assuming the inlaws get uninvited, no matter what we do we're stuck.
Well, first, for all the angst you all are dealing w/ over should DH even still go - put yourselves in the shoes of the groom. Your talking about just going as a guest, where this is the groom's MIL and it's his wedding. He probably feels even more up against the wall over this than you and your DH feel.
You're saying that if you were him, you'd stand up to her. But at the same time, you're saying that your DH may not go because of how it will affect his relationship w/ his parents. 1- I would imagine the if the groom made a stink over this, it would affect his relationship w/ his IL's, and 2- why can't your DH stand up to his mom and just tell her "He's my friend and I'm going to be there for him. I don't care about the MOB - this is between you and her"??
As irrational as this might all be and as much as you think it's over the top, at the same time, for all the stress this is causing you all over just being guests, the groom has to be feeling this 10 fold from his FI and her mom.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If my mother was un-invited to a wedding, I would not attend either but that's just me. Nobody messes with my mama!! lol
If this happened to my MOTHER - I wouldn't go to the wedding. If the bride / groom / MOG wanted to avoid drama, they could have not invited her. Seriously - the MOB or at least the bride must have known about his for ages (three years!), and they decide NOW to uninvite her? Had she never gotten an invite I would understand,but to REVOKE an invitation for something that happened three years ago is incredible RUDE. Probably 100x more rude than anything that your MIL could have said.
If it were my ILs there were treated that way, DH would still go to the wedding, b/c his family is incredibly rude and he would figure that they deserved to be uninvited. Also his family is used to high-drama.
ECB - I completely agree. DH and I decided it really stinks right now to be the groom (and probably the bride). To add another layer it seems to have been decided that if my inlaws are to be uninvited to the wedding then the mother-of-the-groom is going to do it - since she is friends with my MIL. So I feel bad for her too since it's not her drama either.
Perception is 9/10 of communication - so if the message from MIL was relayed in one way, but received in another - the receiver's perception is still relevant.
As to my husband sticking up to his Mom - usually I would say go for it. She cannot always have what she wants. I've put up with a lot from friends standing up in weddings (DH is not standing up in this wedding) because it's their wedding and I want them to be happy. But if one insulted my parents, I don't know. It's one thing to push me around for your wedding, have ridiculous requests, etc, it's another thing to insult my parents. I'd say uninviting someone three weeks before the wedding is an insult.
I'll suggest to DH that he still go in support of his friend, but my guess is that he won't. No matter what, I feel like we lose because we'll have one side or the other mad/disappointed/whatever negative feelings at us when this isn't our drama in the first place. So goes life.
Slightly OT...Frankly, I think it is very big of you to be so close to your delivery date and be so supportive of your DH attending a wedding that far away.
Sounds like the MOB is irrational.
You can't un-invite someone to a wedding! Well, you can, but that is probably the rudest thing I've ever heard. If the MOB is upset, this isn't *her* wedding...she should smile, be polite, make small talk (if necessary) and everything goes back to normal the next day.
If there were direct shots to my parents, yes, I believe in politely declining an invite.
During DH & my wedding, there was a mother (who everyone dislikes because she's obnoxious and rude) that we decided to not extend an invitation to, however her son (who lives in the same house at the time & was friends with my brother since they were kids) was extended one. The son, never responded...we know why he didn't attend, however the mature thing he could've done was send back the RSVP. He was 24.
Personally I feel there isn't a "need" to tell the Groom that DH isn't going due to the drama, if he decides not to go. IMHO that's causing undue stress on the couple. If it were DH, he would just use the pregnancy as the reason to not go so far away (7Hrs.) so close to your due date.
I don't understand why they were invited in the first place. If this is really about a 3 year old comment, why in the world were they invited to the wedding?
So, while not inviting someone is perfectly acceptable, I think un-inviting someone is deliberatley embarrassing. If someone deliberately tried to embarrass my mother/parents, I would not accept an invitation to eat and drink their food and booze. I don't have to hate my friend b/c they are getting pressured by a parent to un-invite, but I wouldn't accept their hospitality at thte same event my parents were banned from either.
Update -
Groom's Mom called my MIL today and the inlaws are officially uninvited.
DH told the groom that if his parents are uninvited he wouldn't be able to come to the wedding. He respects the position the groom has been placed in, but he couldn't tacitly support the decision to uninvite his parents by attending. The groom understands and says he feels sick about the whole situation. So they are about as good as they can be given the fact my inlaws were just uninvited to a wedding. Ultimately the whole situation still stinks.
Thanks for everyone's input. I'm slightly hormonal these days and DH didn't want me calling my folks or siblings for advice. An objective set of eyes and brains are useful.
I'm sorry you / your H / his family had to go through this.
Can your DH ask/suggest that MIL stay with you instead since you will be so close to the due date? Maybe if you can convince her to stay home and take one for the team she won't have to be rudely uninvited.
Otherwise I would feel this out as you go along. I agree that these people are shitty.
Oh gosh - my MIL staying with me (or me staying at her place) would probably cause me to go into early labor or drive my blood pressure up. I have family super close so me being alone in the last month of pregnancy is totally fine.
She is actually taking the uninvitation way better than I expected. Or she at least is emoting to me less catastrophically than I would have anticipated given my MIL's general responses. Not that it makes this any better.