Trouble in Paradise
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Is it a phase? Or is my husband seriously resentful...?
We have a 2 year old daughter and just had our son a month ago. Right after I got pregnant, my husband took a new position where he got to pursue a longtime dream to open his own business in a school. Needless to say, he was very busy this year while I was pregnant and I started getting worried that his later hours would be hard to maintain once the second baby came. Sure enough, the night my water broke, DH rolled his eyes because of all the meetings and things he would have to cancel because of this little "inconvenience" that was about to complicate the next few days. He took a few days off, went back to work and we've been arguing ever since. I don't know what to do. I am home for the summer because I'm a teacher and taking care of a 2 year old and a newborn is really hard! Especially when there's housework and errands and things to take care of as well! The worst part is that he was really amazing with our first daughter and was so excited about everything that our new life had to bring. Now it's like he's resentful of how these two kids have forced him to slow down career-wise even if he really isn't slowing down! I wish someone other than me could just explain to him what having a family means and the sacrifices you have to make at least for a little while! Of course there will be sacrifices now forever but the ones I'm talking about are for while they are completely dependent on us for everything. I'm sick of having the same argument about how we have to come up with a plan to make things easier for me when all he has to do is just pull his weight! At this point, I'm doing more than 80% of the child-raising and that is not what I signed up for when I married him or when I got pregnant with each kid. I don't know what to do...should we seek couples counseling? Wait this one out? Things are going to change once I start work up again in the Fall...I don't know, I'm just sick of the pressure and the lack of support even though he thinks he's supporting me greatly...Thanks for reading.
Re: Is it a phase? Or is my husband seriously resentful...?
You need to tell him what you told us. Communication is key. He may think you're fine with the arrangement...you are not.
He needs to 50% parent the kids, whether he likes it or not.
Talk to him about this on a Saturday when you both are home -- have somebody take the 2 year old for the afternoon so that you and he can discuss this issue with no interruptions.
He needs to get on board and that's a given. Good luck.
This is tough... I think he deserves some more credit, he seems to be working very hard and trying to provide for your family (not that you aren't so please don't misinterpret). First, it sounds like this business is still relatively new? Second, it's his "lifelong dream." That's a lot of pressure for someone to cope with - owning a business is a big gamble, and having a family to provide for, that's a lot to deal with.
You mentioned having the same argument about coming up with a plan? That sounds like a problem with communication. Do you both clearly set expectations for one another? If you haven't already, sit down without any distractions (well, as few as possible considering the two little ones) and hash this out. Figure out why can't he meet your expecations and really try to hear his side of things.
Ultimately I think this is growing pains. I think this is totally normal, especially considering all you both have going on right now (career, babies, hormomes, plus everyday life... it's a lot).
You guys are partners. Work through this together. Good luck.
Sounds like your husband is working hard to support your family! The reality is that this means he will be putting most of his time towards that and may not always be around to help you as much.
Yes this can be frustrating- but would you rather be on here complaining about how you have no money because he doesn't work or provide for you?
**Was this second kid planned?? Supporting another kid means more money needs to be coming into your household.....perhaps part of your DH's reason for seeming stressed since the 2nd LO is because he feels like he has to step up and provide even more.
LOTS of women are SAHM who do most of the daily childcare, errands, cleaning while their husbands work- my SIL has 4 boys under the age of 8 and maintains the house while my BIL works outside the home...and her kiddos are wild
You said he is working later hours....so what is it that you expect from him when he gets home late at night after working all day?
Yes it can be frustrating but that is part of the responsibility of having kids.
I think you should hire a babysitter. I would have kicked him for rolling his eyes when my water broke.
I get the impression that some of the PPs don't have children
. And in my home, it is expected that when my husband gets home from work, he helps with our daughter.
I agree with hiring a sitter but I also think that you need to be clear about what you expect from him as a father and a husband. At the same time, you need to encourage him to be open and honest with you as well. Hopefully this is just a phase but be prepared to ask for counseling if you aren't able to communicate well on your own. Good luck!