Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
No Respect
I am currently a homemaker of two years. I'm going to school in the fall, starting a part time job, while my husband has a full time job. He told me the other day that cooking and cleaning and taking care of him and our house isn't really a job and isn't hard work. I've tried explaining to him what I do everyday...and truthfully I do it with love. He doesn't respect what I do though, and therefore it feels like he doesn't respect me. I want us to work out but I really feel beaten down. Any advice?
Re: No Respect
I don't know. It's rather nasty of your husband to not appreciate that you do a lot to take care of him. But I don't really consider cooking and cleaning my house a job either. I consider that part of being an adult. Whether you have an outside job or not, it would need to get done. So I kind of agree with him in that regard. But really, it's all semantics.
But if you honestly feel he doesn't respect you as a person, that's another problem. I suggest seeing a therapist. It could help you learn to communicate better as a couple.
I don't think that the work of a stay at home parent is equivalent to a full time job, and if you are asserting to him that it is I can see why he would react that way. I don't think it should be about respecting what you do, but appreciating what you do. But you should also appreciate what he does that affords you the lifestyle to stay at home.
I agree that if you feel that he doesn't respect you as a person that is a much bigger issue.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Look on line and find that line by line itemized list that shows what a housewife is actually worth in salary. That should shut him up.:)
Your H needs to get out of 1965 and move into 2012. Shame on his azz.
I don't feel like the issue needs to be what you do vs. what he does, but the fact that he (out of the blue, i'm assuming) began to talk about how you don't work hard. This indicates to me that he may be stressed out either with the financial responsibility, or any other aspect of your living situation and it needs to be brought up to you in an adult-like manner.
I think you two need to have a serious talk about his expectations of you and his expectations of himself. The fact that you're a homemaker doesn't mean you deserve to feel disrespected at all and it may not have been his intention.
Did he agree to support you for these 2 years while you took care of hearth and home? If so, I'd say that he has little to complain about.
My mother was/is a homemaker. She was a stay at home mother when the kids were home and then she continued as a homemaker after. She always worked very hard and saved us a ton of money. She grew and canned and froze most of our vegetables. She mended our clothes. She cooked and cleaned and cut coupons. I'm not sure there is any way she could have provided more value to the family working outside the home when you add up the money she saved the family in childcare, pinching pennies, and the things she made and grew.
My father wanted her to stay home and do those things and in turn, he respected and appreciated her contribution. I think, as long as that is what your husband signed up for and you are putting in the same amount of effort at home as you would be at a job, then it's pretty mean of him to complain now.
I totally agree with this. I work a 40 hr work week and come and do all of the housework, i.e. laundry, cook, clean, etc. It's part of my daily routine. Difference is my guy appreciates it. (Also, I have to say that I find it hard to believe he just came out and said "you don't work hard" completed unsolicited. Just throwing it out there).
All that said, I still don't think he has a good attitude. If this is what you collectively signed up for (him working, you being a home-maker) I don't think it's fair to resent you for it now. You're contributing in your way, he's contributing in his. I don't get why it's turning into a pissing contest.
I work a 40 hour week with a one hour commute to and from my job. I'm the primary (and almost sole) "bread winner." My husband has a part time job at a golf course. He works at most 2 8-hour shifts per week (making minimum wage) and he STILL doesn't cook or clean and help around the house. I have to remind him like a child to do the dishes or fold his laundry.
There is no doubt that cleaning and working around the house can be hard work. The way I look at it is, we don't have to be making the same amount of money, but we should be working close to the same amount of hours. I tell my husband that it's okay that he doesn't have a full time job, but he needs to be putting in 40 hours of work per week somewhere. Maybe you should start waking up early (the same time your husband does for work) and view your work around the house as a full time job. By that I mean, start work at 8, take a one hour lunch break and then go back to work until 5. If you have enough important things to do around the house that you are actually truly working about 8 hours every day (or the equivalent to what your husband works) then I would show him that. Without telling him, start tracking your hours. Write down everything you do next week. If you can honestly put in 40 solid hours of work at home, then good for you. I would show him that. If you can't. Or if you find that the whole house is clean and you can't find enough to fill up the rest of your day, then maybe you should consider getting a part time job. The only way for it to be fair is if you are both contributing equal amounts of time and energy... not money, but physical work.
Keep in mind.. If you took a full-time job working equally as much as your husband, and therefore gave up your role as "homemaker" then the only fair thing would be for him to cook and clean half of the time. I bet he'd appreciate what you do a little more then.
Just something to consider. Your husband should respect you as you should him, but IF your role as a "homemaker" is truly not working as hard as his role in his full time job, then I can understand why he feels resentful. Each of you should put in the same amount of time. If you are working really hard all day, and not sleeping in till noon and watching your favorite soap opera in the middle of the day after a short nap, then maybe you just need to show him that you're contributing just as much time and hard work that he is. He might just not appreciate or understand the amount of time you put into keeping his clothes clean and the house spotless.
This.
very well said..husbands should respect that being a home maker is not an easy job..why don't they try it so that they would know how hard it is..