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Rejected by best friend
A little long...sorry!
My neighbor is also my best friend. I've lived there for about 3 years and he and I have become very close over the last year. We've both gone through divorces and have a lot in common. Since we spend almost every day together, eat dinner together, watch tv, etc. together, it's hard for me to not see the potential for a relationship. Also, everyone asks me why he and I don't date. So, after alot of thought, I brought it up to him a few weeks ago and asked him if he'd ever thought about us dating. I think it took him by surprise initally but he said he didn't want to ruin our friendship and that I would be the perfect girlfriend because we get along so good, I know everything about him and his daughter's love me. After this, I told him I understand that he's not ready for a relationship right now and for now we can just continue to be friends and pretend that the conversation never happened. He said ok but when he's ready to date I'll be the first to know and he'd love to revisit the idea later down the road. This was three weeks ago.
The issue is that I have a hard time when he is around other women. It bothers me that they are always all over him and he loves the attention and will always ask me what I think. I guess I get jealous of these women even though I know he's not looking to date them. He's told me before that he's thought of a physical relationship with me before but he doesn't want to ruin our friendship and I agree. If he and I ever took it to that level it would be in a relationsip not just a physical relationship. I know I'm a great catch so to see him bring around some of these women is a little frustruating that he thinks they are worth his time but I'm not.
So yesterday (Wednesday), we were hanging out in a group setting and there was one chick (a lesbian) who was all over him and he had told me the day before that he wanted to sleep with her. They were flirting the whole time and I got very jealous. When he and I left he asked me what was wrong and I told him that I just can't be around him when there are women all over him. He said well that happens all the time and he doesn't think it's a good idea for us to date because it would ruin our friendship and he doesn't want that to happen. He said, "I love having you around and I love that my girls love you". I then told him that sometimes he confuses me because on Tuesday he said that my mom would cook dinner for her future son-in-law (meaning him). I told him when you make comments like that and then you say you don't want to risk our friendship it really confuses me and he said that he was just joking around when he said that.
I have the same fear that he does, that if we did date that there is potential to ruin our friendship however, it's hard to find someone that you just click with and I click with him. For this reason, I think that it could work out and even if we did split that over time we'd be able to remain friends however, our relationship would be way different. This is the risk and I'm willing to take it for something better and he's not.
So long story short...I don't know what to do! I'd like to take some time and distance myself a little bit to get over him so that when we do hang out I don't get so jealous. However, this is hard because I see him everyday. Do you guys think I should distance myself a little bit? What would you do in this situation?
TIA!
Re: Rejected by best friend
Ok here goes nothing.
He doesn't want to date you. If he did, he would make it happen. Why he said that he would think of you when he is ready ? I don't know. Probably to spare your feelings or to string you along because you give him a nice ego boost or he wants to keep you around because you give him other benefits such as free babysitting, free meals, help out with the house etc. I guarantee he will start dating someone in the future and when you ask why it wasn't you, he will probably shrug it off and say he didn't mean for it to happen, it just did.
If I were you I would accept the fact that he doesn't want to be with you and move on. Find someone who does.
This guy has women "hanging all over him" all the time???? Who is he? Brad Pitt? Because seriously- I'm trying to envision a situation where this is the norm.
Past that - he likes the attention of women. And you're one of those women. He knows you like him, he knows you want more, and he's stringing you along. He's your "best friend" because he knows it's keeping you hooked.
This isn't ever going to go anywhere. And if it does - it will probably be sex and that's about it, and then he'll move on.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If he doesn't, I'd wonder what was up with that. He might be gay. Who knows?
He also sounds like he's into a lot of little teenager game playing. Believe me this is no prize -- telling you he'd love to sleep with somebody? What kind of a "friend" is this?
This is a lot of puerile passive aggressive nonsense and he's a little tease. Gee, he has alll these wimmen all over him yet he is not dating? Funny funny funny....eh?
My brother has a girl that is stringing him along and only wants to be "friends" and thankfully they are not neighbors...but my advice to him will be the same to you. Move-on. Stay friends, distance yourself, but date men that want you to be in their life as a partner.
If you are renting, I would move when the lease is up. As hard as it may be, you have to do some heavy deep thinking about this. There are other men out there and don't settle on this guy that does not want to date you or be intimate with you. Stay friends...respect the fact that it is what he wants...
Good luck!
If he had any interest in having any type of relationship with you then he would make it happen. He wouldn't sit there and brag about all these women. He sounds like a damn teenager. The slight flirting to keep you interested and thinking you might-eventually-but-who-knows date then he goes around flirting with other women and voices "Welp that just happens". He would tell other women to back off if he wanted a chance with you.
He clearly enjoys that attention more then trying to date you. He isn't worth it.
Also I wanted to add the distancing yourself is the best bet. Yes you see him everyday but that you can't control. You can control hanging out with him. I was obsessed with the same dude for 4 years straight. The only thing that helped me out was never hanging out with him and picking up hobbies and just being busy. Eventually I found a guy who treated me the way I deserved to be treated. Think about it..do you really want to be hung up on the same guy for 4 years??
In fact, the self proclaimed stud muffin isn't into anybody much in the way of girls.
Gay gay gay. MY take on it.
I had to come back to this. I feel like this is somewhat a friendship of circumstance/ convienence. You both got divorced, so you bonded over that. But outside of that.... is there really, truly common ground with him?
Also, if one of you did move, would this great friendship actually last? I have to wonder about that.
Your feelings for him aside- I think you need to start branching out. I have many great neighbors, but yet we can easily go days w/o seeing each other even w/ just our basic comings and goings. You don't HAVE to eat dinner together, you don't HAVE to watch TV together.
Honestly - I really question HIS motives (w/ how you describe him) in pursuing this friendship and being SO available. It goes back to my other post - I think he likes the attention of women, so he pursued you as a friend and now has you hooked.
Branch out. For your own good!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I agree with distancing yourself. It sounds like that lsong, "I want you, I need you but there ain't no way I'm ever gonna love you. But don't feel sad, 'cause two out of three ain't bad."
I've had that kind of relationship years ago before DH...it's so easy to fall into this kind of platonic relationship...it's comfortable until one person develops feelings.
I also suggest that you hang out with some single women friends and try some attending some singles events. It's a nice way to ease yourself back into the dating world.
Good luck!
Onslow thinks you are full of crap!
Honestly if he was your best friend he would show you a little more respect. The main thing to realize is, you have already ruined you friendship (at least in the aspect of how it was originally) because it is no longer equal sided (as in both want only friendship). I would definitely distance yourself from him. If you stay so close you will be closing yourself off to any potential relationships that come your way. IF things are meant to be, they will happen. Unfortunately though I don't see that happening. It's hard to see now because you are reading every thing he does or says as a possibility it might change. I can tell you from every man I know and my dating experiences that if he really felt the way you do, he would have no quams about risking the friendship...sorry that you had to go through this. I am sure once you step away from the situation you will eventually realize that you weren't really as into to him as you think you are, it's just safe and comfortable to you. Step back and think about if this is the kind of guy you really want in your life (with what you said about him and having women always hanging on him, sounds like a lot of issues he has). RuN!