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Telling My MIL She Get No Grandkids
I have a pretty good relationship with my MIL. I find her to be somewhat frivolous, but she's a nice person and has always been very good to me. I even lived with her for a while (though I wouldn't really want to again). I don't want to hurt our relationship, but . . .
I don't want kids. I consider myself to be a fence-sitter instead of a full fledged childfree woman, but I have never wanted kids. I don't like them all that much (no hate-mongering for this comment please--it is how I feel and I can't change that). I don't think I'd be a good mother for that fact, and there are a myriad of other reasons why I don't want kids (cost, dealing with school systems, environmental waste, gender related conditioning of children, possibly becoming a different person altogether, worry for my marriage, worry that I will not be able to pursue my artistic career endeavors as much as I want, and many more). I haven't want kids on a gut level since as long as I can remember--and I'm not talking about my adult life, I'm talking about my life from back when I was a toddler even.
My H is an only child (I'm not), and I'm worried that when I am done with grad school (which will not happen possibly for another decade) that my MIL will expect H and I to "start a family" (as if we already aren't a family). I can't see the point of starting when I finish school because it will just be when we get settled. I'd like some time to enjoy my comfortable life first at least, but then my fertility drops rapidly (although adoption is always an option and a better one imo than procreation).
I don't really want to have kids. How can my MIL be made aware of this without hurting her feelings?
Re: Telling My MIL She Get No Grandkids
"MIL we dont want kids"
end of story. no explination needed. if she gets insulted or hurt because YOU dont want kids it's her problem, not yours.
What about your HUSBAND? How does he feel about having children?
And, assuming you are on the same page with him, why would you have to worry about MIL thinking you would be having kids- seems to me she would only have reason to think that if your son had indicated it was a possibility.
3 things
1. Point blank tell her. Sh*t will still be sh*t no matter how much icing you put on it. No sense in sugar coating it beause no matter what if she REALLY wants grandkids she will be hurt.
2. No need to bring it up on your own. If she feels the need to ask then she will
3. Where is the 'we' in this? It's more important that you and your husband 100 percent agree that both of you do not want kids then worrying about the MIL
Yeah, I'm more worried about your DH. Is he on the same page as you? Thta's what matters.
If he is, I actually feel this falls under the umbrella of what HE needs to communicate to her. Especially so that she gets it that this is as much about him as it is you.
And really.... i'm not sure how her feelings can really be "hurt". Your deicsion to have kids or not doesn't have a thing to do w/ her. Will she be sad at the idea of no grandkids? Sure. Thta I get. But "hurt feelings"....???
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I'm married to an only child and I totally understand where you're coming from. My MIL would take it personally to even though it has absolutely nothing to do with her in any way.
Assuming you and your DH are already on the same page, this falls to DH to handle if you choose to address it at all. My own MIL has been quite persistent bothering us about kids. DH had 2 separate conversations with them about how it isn't any of their business and when there is something to tell them, we'll tell them. If they don't get the hint, you may need to do the same.
If you talk to her about it, you'll forever be the evil daugher in law who is keeping her from being a Grandma. Let her son deal with it.
Your MIL can expect kids all she wants, but at the end of the day it is you and your DH's decision. You are a grown up so perhaps you should start acting like one by making decisions based on what is best for you.
Also it is not your MIL's business as to why you do not want kids. I'd say just tell her you don't want any and that's the end of the discussion. It's also appropriate to say, "That is not your business." when she asks about it.
If it's a decade away, why sweat it now? I don't think this warrants a conversation or sit-down with the MIL. Frankly, I think that only sets the tone that you consider her in your decision making. If she brings it up, tell her "We don't want children" and/or "This really is not your business." Don't entertain the conversation if she pushes the issue further.
Is this something your husband agrees with you on?
I am trying to figure out why anyone would want to be preemptive about ANY decision one MAY make.
Unless she directly asks you about having children, why is this even a concern?
Just yesterday, my H said I don?t want babies. I asked a few days ago if he wanted kids, and he said Not really. He flip flops sometimes, but he often has the same complaints about kids that I do. More often than not he's on the anti side. He has a pretty good relationship with his mom but doesn't seem to want to address the topic even though his mom has been acting pretty baby crazy about his cousin's kids.
I focused on me in my first post because my H and I are individuals and I wouldn?t want to force him into this conversations. We are on the same (shaky) page, but it's not my place to drive a wedge between his mom and him. I'm trying to be adult about this by considering their good relationship. She's pretty understanding, but she's also very emotional. I'm just worried she'll resent him for choosing not to have children.
I also like to plan ahead (it's how I got this far), so that's why I'm thinking of it now. H says he thinks she's getting all her grandma fixes from his cousin. I hope he's right, because I want her to be happy.
I understand where you're coming from. DH and I are not able to have children, but he doesn't want to tell anyone, and would rather sit there and listen to his mom give us crap about not having any grandchildren yet. We tried the "oh, we aren't ready and don't know if we ever will be" bit for awhile but when she started buying stuff at garage sales for the grandchild that she will never have I finally put my foot down when she brought it up for the umpteenth time and said "you know, not everyone who wants kids is able to have them. I suggest that you either start bugging (insert SIL's name here, who is unmarried) or drop it." then I laughed. Not real mature, but she hasn't bothered us since.
In your situation, since you might eventually want them, I just wouldn't bring it up at all. If it ever does get to the point where she starts bothering you, tell her there are plenty of needy kids out there so if she wants a baby so bad she can adopt one herself.
It seems too early to make this announcement. Ten years is a long time and circumstances might change. If your MIL starts asking about grandchildren, you can let her know that you are focusing on grad school right now and you're not sure what the future will hold.
About "not hurting her feelings," she may be very disappointed if you decide to not have children. However, that is not a good reason to have kids.
So the HONEST answer is that you are not really on the same page on this topic.
I think you are in denial about where you and your H really are on the issue- seems to me that if he is not as adamant as you are about not having children that he is, in fact, entertaining the idea (at least a little bit)
Before you worry about your MIL you MUST figure this out 100% with your husband!
This. And in the meantime, simply tell your MIL that you two are not ready. That's it. Don't offer excuses, justifications or reasons - it's quite frankly none of her business. Simply tell her over and over if you have to, that you're just not ready. She'll hopefully get the hint and stop asking.
My husband and I are in the same situation. My MIL started with the kids thing the day we got engaged. She actually went as far as to say she would pay for everything, and planned when I would and wouldn't work because she would babysit (this totally freaked me out beyond belief!) I don' think we are going to have them, but I'm more a 'fencesitter' than my DH is. We actually told the MIL that we would like her to stop bringing up babies, and when the time is right we will or will not have kids. I would say to just be honest with her.
We actually got a dog about a year ago, and that's kind of fixed her baby issues. Now we drop the dog off their when we go on trips and it's almost like its her grandchild. They are really like bffs.. my MIL loves her.
I think your husband should field this one. If you're the one to tell her, then it may come off as you influencing your husband on this decision and you don't want her to think that. I always believed that husbands should be the main mode of communication with MILs. You can tell her together, but let him do most of the talking.
And don't worry, I'm sure she will respect your decision.