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Mixed Feelings about the new housing plan...
So H and I have been looking for places after our lease is up in August. We wanted to rent a house and a family friend had her house up for rent, we checked it out, loved it. The price was good, but when we sat down and looked at the numbers, it was going to be tough to follow through. They offered a price way lower than most of the other rental houses were going to be, so we felt kind of stuck.
Then H made a "joke" about moving in with his parents. I'd be lying if I said it hadn't crossed my mind. We could take the whole basement and really make it our own, I know his parents would be respectful, he's an only child so we wouldn't have any issues from siblings, his parents insisted on rent-free so we could save a ridiculous amount of money... honestly, it just makes so much sense, it would take a while to list all the benefits.
My parents on the other hand are pushy, controlling, and manipulative. Mine and his parents live 2 minutes (literally, no exaggeration) away from each other (H and I met in high school from a friend that car pooled us home, so we really do live walking distance away). I'm so afraid that my parents are going to guilt me into stupid things like they do all the time now, but even more so when I will be living so close again. H is afraid of this too, saying if I don't put my foot down and I let my parents control my life, it will lead to marriage problems. I know he's right, my parents wriggle their way into everything and manipulate the situation to their benefit.
If we're gonna do this, and we've already told all the necessary parties that we are, I will seriously need some Knottie vibes and prayers for strength. Any advice?!
Re: Mixed Feelings about the new housing plan...
I think taking up your in laws' offer would be a great way to save money for a down payment on a permanent home.
I think you are also right on needing to be strong & stand up to your parents - hopefully now it will be easier now that it is you and your H (not just you). Our marriage counselor had great advice for us - he said that marriage is a great time to "reset" your boundaries with people. He said that while you can't change someone's personality or how they treat you, you CAN change the boundaries you set with them. He them proceeded to tell us how his MIL spoke poorly of him to his wife and encouraged her to divorce him for 25 YEARS - like you said, he said that it was poisoning his marriage. His wife knew her mother was unlikely to change after so long, so she set up a new boundary - she told her mother that she was not allowed to say anything about her H at all any longer. If her mother could not comply with this request, then she would no longer speak with her. Apparently they didn't speak for a year, but eventually the mother came around and realized her daughter was serious and that if she wanted to continue her relationship with her daughter, she had to do it on her daughter's terms.
Maybe if you and H sit down and make a mutual pact to support each other when your parents get controlling? Present a united front, and if need be confront your parents about it and say that your family (you and H) will no longer tolerate X, Y, or Z behavior. The longer you let them do it, the harder it is going to be to try and buck their control. If you can show them that you and H are now independent of their control & stick to your guns, after time goes on they'll eventually be forced to take you guys seriously. Now would be a good time, because I hear that after kids come into the picture it only gets worse....
If need be, limit your contact with your parents for awhile. I'd also be vague on all things that they tend to meddle in (whether it be finances, kids, vacation plans, etc.) when you do have contact. It might be hard upfront but in the long run I think you and H will have a better relationship with each other and with your parents.
Good luck & stay strong! =]
Wow. That is such great advice. Your marriage counselor is very wise! I'm showing this to H and I'll let you know how the living situation turns out. Thank you so much!