Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Help my marriage
I recently became ill at work and was not being allowed to leave and ended up walking out. I called my husband and told him about it and he told me that he was behind me no matter what and that he supported my decision. Later when he got home he wouldn't look at me or talk to me, instead he told me that I was selfish for walking out on my job. A little bit of background for you: My husband has a very time consuming stressfull job. I know he wasn't happy at it and he mentioned moving 9 hours away and finding a job there. I told him I was nervous and wasn't really ready for the move....fast forward 8 months and he's still at the same job, I come home with no job anymore and he tells me how I'm selfish and how I never care about him, only about our son and myself. Now he tells me that he's been unhappy for awhile and that he's tried to tell me but all I did was brush it off or get upset and walk away. He tells me that he feels resentment towards me for not standing by him and saying lets see what kind of opportunity you find in this other state. He told me that he'll always love me, but he's not sure if he's in love with me anymore because he's built up so much resentment towards me for not being there for him. I thought I was being a good wife, I thought I made him feel validated but now I'm doubting myself. He grew up in a physically and verbally abusive household and I don't know if some of that is triggering his feelings towards me or what. I'm just as in love with him as I always have been, he's my world.....At this point I don't know what to do, were trying to communicate but no decision has been made yet. What can I do, I can't lose my family, I've been with him for 5 years and married for 3, we have a wonderful son, he's an amazing father but I'm lost. I felt him pulling away from me and he told me I'm not the same girl I used to be, he said I don't have the same drive I used to (I don't go out with friends as much anymore, but I don't always have the time or friends have the availability, and he said I'm not as athletic as I used to be, yes, I've gained 20 pounds, but I'm trying to work out, as is he lately and he's become obsessed with it, I just don't know what to do.....I want us to work, I love him....
Re: Help my marriage
I don't know about other people but if I was sick enough to not be able to do work and my boss wouldn't let me leave, I'd leave anyways. My H would support that. Plusalso, my H wouldn't want me working for someone like that anyways.
I'm assuming the OP was really sick (flu or the like) in this scenario.
OP I think this specific incident was was the straw that broke the camels back for your H for whatever reason. Counseling for you both might help as well as a serious sit down conversation with your H.
But there is a difference between leaving because you are sick and quitting. If you are fired because you left due to illness, that's one thing and you would likely have rights to unemployment. If you quit, that's another thing entirely. I think we need clarification from OP.
If he is really stressed out about his job (and possibly money since you aren't working right now) that could be affecting his feelings for you. Try to be supportive and encourage him to pursue opportunities that interest him while you do the same. Hopefully, this is a temporary situation.
Whether fair or not, your DH probably views you as a free-loader. It would be different if you had been more supportive of him finding a new job. Maybe he feels like you don't value his happiness. I can understand if you weren't comfortable moving nine hours away, but did you talk to him about other options for him to find a new job? Or did you just imply to him that he needed to suck-it-up and continue his job that he did not like? Maybe you could have been more emotionally supportive to helping him find a solution.
And now, you don't have a job, and you expect him to be emotionally supportive of you. He has built resentment toward you for awhile now, and you can't be that surprised.
I would suggest counseling too. You need to be vocal that you should have been more supportive of him finding a new job because his happiness is important to you, but that is a big hole to climb out of - especially since you are in a time of need. He might see your apology as convenient timing - would you have apologized if you still had your job? That is why counseling, a third party, might be helpful to help build the trust back into the relationship.