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money issues
The only real issues that my bf and I have ever had are around $. I make twice what he does. I make about 86-100K per year and he makes maybe 50K. At times I have felt he is mooching a bit. I might not mind but I have a son and I'm trying to save for college as well as my retirement. Here are the red flags main issues:
* I have taken him on 5 vacations. He has never taken me on one, not even just a night away. On the most extravagant trip we went to Key West. I knew he could not afford it so I offered to pay as I wanted to go with him. Fine. But, the entire time he did not offer to pay for a single thing. Not even a piece of key lime pie when I was digging around for my wallet in the bottom of my bag not able to find it for a few minutes. He could have just pulled out his wallet that one time.
* I had to have a medical abortion. I got pregnant but the fetus was not viable. It cost $700. I brought up the cost quite a few times and he did not offer to pay a dime. I finally had to ask him for cash.
* In our five years I have always bought tickets for concerts/shows. He never has once and when I have paid he has never offered to pay me back.
* He proposed to me on a vacation I was paying for to celebrate his 40th birthday. This just seems wrong to me.
* He has had no problems in the past with me paying for dinners out, gas, the Christmas tree. Anything really. He doesn't offer or even say I'm sorry but I can?t pay for this right now. He just goes along apparently fine with being taken care of.
* I bought a house and a car a couple years ago and his mom calls them R & M's house and car. They are not his. I put the entire deposit down and pay for each.
* I have complained for ages about the cost of cable/internet. I need the internet but not cable. I finally asked him for some extra $ and he started giving me $20 extra a month. It is still crazy expensive and not something I need any longer as I can use my droid for wireless access. He said he would put the service in his name. When I actually got the wireless going and cancelled in my name he said, I'll just use your droid access and don't really need cable. Keep in mind when everyone is using my droid it limits my use of the phone and they can only get online when I'm home. All of a sudden when I'm no longer paying regular cable and internet is not important.
There is more but these are pieces. Now the issue is he is a great, loving, sweet and nice guy and I love him. but, I know love isn't enough and I have a child to take care of and don't like to be mooched off of. I like men that take care of themselves. Would these things be deal breakers for you? Our relationship is at the point that if we don't marry we are breaking up. He is pushing to marry and I'm hesitant, in part because of these money issues. I have been married before. I know these things matter.
Thanks
Re: money issues
Why do you continue to date this person? Of course he wants to marry you - you are his sugar mama! Ditch this loser and find someone who respects you.
These issues will only get worse if you decide to marry this person. MARRIAGE WILL NOT FIX THIS.
Ditto the sugar mama comment. My H and I make less together than your BF makes on his own and we have no issues treating people to dinner or offering to pay for things.
These would most definitely be deal breakers for me.. I would tell him everything you told us and explain that either a) He mans up and stops being a cheapo or b) your done.
Although, honestly idk if i would go forward with it even if he does change.. Whose to say he wont change for the time being, get married with you and then do it all over again. Leaving you with two options, continue to support him or get a divorce and give him half of everything you've worked hard for.
* I have taken him on 5 vacations. He has never taken me on one, not even just a night away. On the most extravagant trip we went to Key West. I knew he could not afford it so I offered to pay as I wanted to go with him. Fine. But, the entire time he did not offer to pay for a single thing. Not even a piece of key lime pie when I was digging around for my wallet in the bottom of my bag not able to find it for a few minutes. He could have just pulled out his wallet that one time.
Why are you with this cheap b@stard?
* I had to have a medical abortion. I got pregnant but the fetus was not viable. It cost $700. I brought up the cost quite a few times and he did not offer to pay a dime. I finally had to ask him for cash.
You have such a wonderful high paying job but you don't have company paid for health insurance? How's that?
* In our five years I have always bought tickets for concerts/shows. He never has once and when I have paid he has never offered to pay me back.
And it's five years of this nonsense of his being cheap. Wow, LOSE this guy!
* He proposed to me on a vacation I was paying for to celebrate his 40th birthday. This just seems wrong to me.
It's wrong to me too but for a lot of other reasons.
* He has had no problems in the past with me paying for dinners out, gas, the Christmas tree. Anything really. He doesn't offer or even say I'm sorry but I can?t pay for this right now. He just goes along apparently fine with being taken care of.
Then this guy is mooching, plain and simple.
* I bought a house and a car a couple years ago and his mom calls them R & M's house and car. They are not his. I put the entire deposit down and pay for each.
Cheap cheap cheap...I don't think I need to highlight anymore.
The problem here is not an "I have a cheap boyfriend" problem -- it's an "I have a problem with my self esteem" problem.
Why do you want a guy who is so cheap? I see nothing here to love -- and if you marry this useless lump, count on bringing up the kids alone in every aspect. If this guy can't do something like pay your way on a date (you are HIS GUEST; he PAYS, not YOU --- it's the same premise if you asked him to a wedding, or if you had guests in your home for a party --- would you expect him to pay "his half" for a wedding gift and would you expect your party guests to bring their own and more or less "pay their own way" at your party? no and no.) then you can bet you'll foot the bill for the kids when they come.
And don't expect him to be an equal partner. He's got YOU to mooch off.
For love of mike, get rid of this piece of garbage -- and therapy for you, becaue you find it acceptable to date a cheapskate.
This is also a character issue; he has NONE.
Ditto on all of the comments. The other thing is that this has been 5 years, has he even made an attempt to improve his salary? Maybe go to school? Sounds like you need to move on.
Is he your boyfriend or fiance?
If you said yes to his proposal, but don't really feel comfortable in calling him your fiance, that may say a lot about your relationship as well.
Either way, I would go. He isn't being fair to you, or your son.
Hi Ladies,
Thanks for your honest responses. I want to add a couple of things to make this better balanced. I have spoken to him about these issues and he has improved. He is a contractor and last summer he put in a slate patio and a retaining wall in the backyard and paid for it all. He also built a new door for the house. We recently needed a new stove and he paid for that as well as a new dryer last year. He did these things on his own. But little things persist. If i say something he repsonds but I'm concerned it may be temporary and yes, when hitched things change.
Keep in mind that if we break up I will be paying him for all of this work on the house. This is fair but irks me a bit because I have contributed so much but would not get anything back. I do all of the cleaning. He is not neat and I'm super neat. I don't mind this but recently when he made a comment about all his work and what it is worth I mentioned all the works I have done in maid service alone and he said, "I didn't ask for that". I did not like this.
Again, if I mention something he does respond and step up but it annoys me that I have to ask. Okay maybe you just don't think to offer for small things and we can work that out, but some of these larger things - I can't get over not being offered any $ for the abortion. Wouldn't most guys pay for the whole thing??? He didn't even say somethign like I wish I could pay but can't. He just said and did nothing until I was so resentful I brought it up.
I said yes when he proposed but have been having major cold feet and finally told him I'm not sure I want to go through with it month ago. He took back the ring and said he is going to ask me again. If I says no he is leaving. I have always known he wanted to get married and this has been the case. I said yes but as it gets closer I'm having very serious doubts about if I even want to be married again (bad bad break-up from my ex) or if he is the one. I think a large part are my reservations about money issues.
To be honest, I have been working since I was 13 and put myself through school. My ex was a leech for the two years of our 10 year marriage and ended up getting thousands of dollars that shoudl have been mine. I let it happen so my fault there but what I learned is that I do not want to take care of a man. It would be nice for once to be kind of taken care of. I don't want to be supported buy yes, being taken on a trip every so often would be nice.
How horrid --- he took back the ring?
Honey, let this guy go. You also have a pattern o dating the same kind of guy: Therapy STAT for yourself -- so you can make sure you stop attracting and dating these louses --- starting now.
The issue is not being "taken care of." The issue here is that you need a healthy, 2 way relationship and a guy who isn't cheap, period.
And what did happen to your health insurance? I would think with a fabulous salary like that health care would be a given --- or that you could pay for your own major medical out of pocket.
This isn't a give-take mature adult relationship --- this is a BUSINESS deal!
Pay him for what?
How about you pay him to leave? and a bonus given if he "don't let the door hit ya where the Good Lord split ya"?
You are having cold feet because you know that this guy is exactly who you think he is, a mooch! I dated men like that when I was younger and what a waste of time!
As others have said, get out! You have a son you need to take care of not a bf. He is not even close to splitting the bills with you. He lets you pay for everything without even blinking an eye AND if you split up he expects you to PAY him for the work he did to the house he has been living in! You are insane to even consider paying him a dime after all the things you have paid for for him.
Please get rid of this guy! Trust your gut feeling and get out! Then get yourself to therapy to learn why you don't think you deserve someone that treats you well. Learn how to NOT take out your wallet and automatically pay every time. You can do it! A relationship should be fair and equal and this one is definitely not! You deserve so much more!
This.
A D&C is not the same as an abortion.
I think he should leave you. You sound like you control him and look down on him for the amount of money he makes.
He can do better.
"I DO NOT love that you think so many things revolve around you. I know you're bitter. I get it. But I'm over your feelings." The best person on the internet ever!
If he makes comments like this often, this would be enough for me to think twice and get out. This oozes disrespect. Your gut is right.
Yes, this is horrid. Absolutely horrid. He should be ashamed of himself. This says to me that he does not see you as a loving, united couple, which is what you should be in marriage. He sees you as two separate individuals who do your own thing. Oh, except you pay for everything and get little respect.
Seriously - I am sure he has his good side that you aren't talking about as much. He must if you have been with him this long, but trust your gut. Cause it won't get better - it will only get worse.
You can do better.
When I first lived with DH, he made 2x as much money as me. I made up the "difference" in things that I could do: clean house, dinner on the table, etc. I didn't have the money to give him the same thing but I did everything else. I did it to feel like I was doing my share.
Tell him you want him to contribute money towards your "joint" life together. He makes maximum contributions into a retirement plan for you. Its in your name so he can't take it back later. You are taking care of your life now and he will take care of the future. You can throw in there that you want him to put money towards DS's education plan as well. The expense would be $10K-$15K per year which is less than if he was paying for himself without you.
full time stepmom to SS1 and SS2 since 2010
married since 2011
TTC since 7/2011 (no planned bc since 2008)
HSG 11/2011: one blocked tube
S/A 2/2012 and retest S/A 3/2012: normal
Bloodwork: normal
2nd HSG 5/2012: clear
Femara cycle 5mg #1 7/14/12 + IUI #1 7/23/12 = bfn
New RE appt 8/14/12
IVF #1 meds 8/30/12. ER 9/14/2012: 7 retrieved, 6 fertilized. ET 9/19/12: 1 perfect embryo 5dt.
Beta #1 BFP! 97
Beta #2 234
Beta #3 4937
ultrasound #1 heart beat 127
10/20/12 graduated!!!
EDD 6/7/12
Team PINK!!
Does he have debt or other expenses which prohibit him from financially participating more?
I recommend combining expenses based on a %. You make 2 x his salary so he pays 1/3 and you pay 2/3.
Read Smart Couples Finish Rich by David Bach. The first several chapters are all about values, goals and your emotional relationship with money. You do exercises separately and then sit down and discuss your answers. It helps facilitate an understanding of each other's relationship with money and establish a financial plan that works for you both.
Personal counseling and couples counseling would be helpful if you think the relationship is worth saving and improving for the long haul.