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Dealing with the in-laws
I often see people say "Let you husband deal with his parents." I have to say, I disagree. They way I see it, I'm an adult, my MIL/FIL/whoever-in-law is an adult. Why can't I address them myself with my concerns?
For what it's worth, I have done this, talked to my MIL directly about our relationship. Over the years I had my guy talk to his Mom if she said something rude, but it got me nowhere (the bad behavior continued.). I guess after a while I realized I was sick of making him to my dirty work. Not only did the problems persist, but we never got the opportunity to really hear each others side.
I'm not saying the conversation automatically fixed our issues, it didn't. But I feel satisfied knowing that I finally did my part. It also laid the groundwork for future discussions, confrontations, arguments, whatever. I feel more comfortable, less afraid, to address my issues.
What is everyone else's thoughts on this?
Re: Dealing with the in-laws
Ha! He has, thousands of times! And she would always persist. Trust me, he did his part. And if I didn't decide to start handlng this stuff myself, I trust that he would continue to do so.
It's more about me and her.
More than anything this is just a question of how people choose to handle this. And to advocate for the ladies dealing with their owns problem ILs. The past few topics were about ILs so I figured I'd throw it out there.
I agree with you. A DH doesn't need to be the go-between; however, he DOES need to take a side and he needs to be clear with his mom who's side he is taking. That's how DH needs to be involved, IMO.
MIL shouldn't come whining to her DS about stuff involving you because he should lay it out that that would not be accepted and she should know to go direct to the source of her problem.
Fortunately, I do not have have MIL issues. But, my relationship with my mom is somewhat strained at times. I think she has many of the tendancies the crazy MILs I read about on here do, so that's how I relate.
In my case in particular, it isn't a good idea for me to interject. Even though her attempts to hold onto DH are misguided, she is still his mother and she loves him very much. I am the "other" woman in his life in her mind. If I said something even remotely contrary to her beliefs, it just puts DH in a tough spot because his Mother would come crying to him about how I'm being mean to her and he has to tell her that she's being unreasonable and that he agrees with me.
He knows that he needs to back me up and we talk about issues that arise with his mother together and decide how to best approach it together, but he is the messenger. If he handles it, he is still her loving darling son - even if she's angry about being told to back the french off. If I do, I'm the evil daughter in law keeping her away from her child and DH gets stuck in the middle.
As someone who has said "let your DH deal with it", it's an "it depends" kind of answer. I say that in situations where I feel that the message will be taken more seriously if coming from the MIL's own son, and /or it's clear that the DIL will be the 'bad guy' no matter what - the DH should actually be the 'bad guy' instead.
There are plenty of situations where I do think the wife can/should deal w/ it herself.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Thanks all! I totally agree with everyone's comments. This wasn't a message of letting the guys off the hook. It's more about having the courage to address the issues yourself (when appropriate of course). I spent years swallowing my pride, having my dude take care of everything... all to no avail. Even if things don't change in our relationship, I still feel proud and satisfied that I'm standing up for myself. That's why I put this out there - I think women feel afraid or apprehensive sometimes when it comes to problems with the ILs. I know I was. And for the record, my fiance has my back, so I'm fortunate there.
Anyway, thanks again.
I think it depends on the situation and the people involved.
My MIL and I disagree on things but we respect one another. If I have an issue with her, I normally deal directly with her myself. But if she was one of the MILs often described on TB as just hating the DIL for the sake of hating her, you can bet your @ss I'd be making my DH deal with her.
Well, then he's not really taking care of it, right?
It's not just about the dainty wife who can't speak up for herself. It's about how to manage your family of origin. I am the one who deals with my family when I break the bad news that we won't visit for a holiday or they are being unreasonable. I do it. Because I know how to handle my parents better than my husband. And yes, they forgive me things that would be outrageous if DH said/did it. Same for his family. He knows how to talk to his family much better than me. He grew up living their subtle family language/dyanmic. For example, his mother will suggest things that she doesn't want to do - things she thinks *you* want to do. My family would NEVER do this. So, when she says "why don't you come here for Easter", I think it's okay to accept. But DH *knows* she doesn't want to host. It's very strange. My family does weird things DH doesn't pick-up on either.
Your MIL might just be mean and crazy. But if this has been going on for years, you have every right to be frustrated. And it's wrong that you've been put in the position to keep swallowing your pride. That means DH hasn't handled it and has put you in the cross hairs for too long.
I hear what you're saying. When I say I've spent years dealing with her, it includes the earlier years in our relationship when I simply followed his lead when it came to his parents (i.e. "Ignore her, she's like this with everyone"). Over the past couple years both of us have changed... I don't accept "ignoring her", and he knows I expect him to handle it. Now it's evolved into me handling certain things on my own. Trust me, I've been kind of a pu$$y.
It's a strange dynamic between all of us. What's happening is she makes comments to me when my guy wasn't around - like "He never calls us" "It would be nice to see him" "I'm his mother, you know"... just strange remarks that make me uncomfortable, almost like I'm in someway responsible for their strained relationship. The problem with her is she does these things under the guise of being a simpleton... so when you bring it to her attention, she plays the "Oh, I'm sorry, you know how I am... I don't mean anything by it." (Think like how a 12 year old talks). Irks me to no end! I honestly believe she doesn't think she's doing anything wrong... it's hard to fix that (Can't fix stupid, right?).
Basically all of these things would take place when he wasn't around (whole other story in why I'm left to entertain the woman which I'm also not doing anymore). Then I have to tell him, then he talks to her, and the cycle continues. My way of handling it now, rather than ignoring it, is to just address those comments as they come... "That's inappropriate." End of conversation. (And I've heard him have these discussions with his Mom, he truly tries, she is just impossible to talk to - and I don't think what has transpired calls for having no relationship).
(I'm telling you, she is like Freud's wet dream, between wanting to always be the most important woman in his life, mixing up my name with people she cleary doesn't like... she's a doosy!).
It's more strange, makes me uncomfortable, versus down and out disrespect. That I think I can handle.
Still thanks for the insight.