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I don't know what to do. Help!
My friend is in a sad situation. She has been with her bf for years. Many were long distance and the rest living together. They get along just fine personality wise and in the bedroom. No problems cohabiting. Have a handle on who pays for what bills and necessities, yada yada.
But there are issues such as he doesn't communicate well. He is in charge of schedules at his work yet doesn't schedule time off when she has time off. He just wants to stay at home and play games. His family, teachers, etc have always told him what they expect and he has done it. So he is lost on his own/ can't seem to think outside the box.
He views things and money as his and hers. There is no our. He has said some hurtful things to her in the past year or so. Along the lines of if we broke up... These conversations were prompted by money talks that he had with his parents. It's strange because his parents really like her so I wonder if it's just a mentality that the family has.
He wants to buy a house but didn't realize what it entails until they went house hunting. She had tried talking to him a few times about how they didn't have the ability to buy a home and needed to save but he didn't listen.
He has it in his head that he cannot propose to her unless xy and z criteria is met. For example the ring must cost 3 months worth of pay, it has to be a diamond even though she doesn't want one, etc. There is so, so much more.
She loves him with all her heart and it pains me to see her in this situation. He loves her dearly too and is such a nice guy but he needs to get a clue. He needs to get his act together and grow up. I have always been there to listen to her when she cries over things that he has done or said. Her mother told her she needs to move back home to save her money. She would go crazy if she moved back but I feel as if this is what is needed at the very least.
I started mentioning counseling is needed because they plan on getting married one day. She has brought it up but she just gets shot down. What can I do?
I will DD this at some point and if any clarification is needed I will answer the best I can. Help me help her please! I want this to be the last time she calls me up sobbing over this situation. She deserves to be happy.
Re: I don't know what to do. Help!
Seems like he is kind of stuck on how life/things should be, ex. the wedding ring, owning a house. Sounds like they need to sit down and talk about everything just with each other to clear up some things.
I think the thing with the scheduling might just be that he doesn't have the same value on quality time together, or that he is just thinking of the schedule as a work schedule not a work/life schedule. Has she tried to give him her schedule when he is making his?
I think sometimes is hard to think of money as ours, maybe his family just looks as dating as something that could end so you don't combine finances. I know H and I finally combined everything after our wedding, we were still trying to figure out splitting our rent up until like 6 months before our wedding and then we realized that this is our money not mine or yours.
Thank you for responding.
I agree he is stuck in how things should be. They have sat down with on multiple occasions to talk. He makes promises and doesn't follow through. The old I don't like seeing you upset but what can I do. I promise to make more time or what have you.
When he doesn't follow through with what he promised I hear it. He has followed through once for a couple of months. Then it was back to the same old thing. It makes me sad it keeps happening.
She does let him know her schedule. It always stays the same. He just works all the time. He goes in to work when he isn't scheduled to work. If someone calls in sick he goes in to cover for them. He knows but doesn't seem to care to take the time off for her.
I guess I am strange with the money. I found once H and I moved in together money just automatically changed to ours. Anything we still owned was his and mine. We still say his and hers when it comes to objects.
They tend to have issues that stem from money matters. I can't recall the details at the moment but I hear her complain quiet a bit about money matters.
Let me stress that have been bad for a couple of years. It wasn't all sunshine and roses before then but it worked. Probably because they were long distance and then in the honeymoon phase of moving in together. She is miserable with how things are. Him going out with friends, staying out til the we hours f the morning and coming home drunk. Him hiding and lying about his porn collection.
Do I jut continue to listen and hope he gets his act together? Or should I encourage her to temporarily move out to give him the kick in the pants he may needs to get his act together? Or do I tell her they need to break up because he just isn't changing and she is unhappy? Her parents are two steps away from the break up with him boat.
If it means anything they have been together for 8 years and things just keep getting worse.
Reading the bolded parts there alone says to me that they have problems. As much as it sucks and hurts, I would think I would want to try an encourage her to move back home for a little bit, and see how things go from there. However, unfortunately, I would expect them to end up breaking up if she did move home. That's tough decision.
To me, I don't think he'll change when it comes to the going out with friends, staying out until the wee hours of the night, and coming home drunk. If things just continue to get worse, I would expect things to keep getting worse and not get much better...especially if they've been together for 8 years.
If he's hiding and lying about his porn collection, most likely he'll continue to do so. However, to me, that throws a red flag because what else is he lying about or what else will he lie about?
The other thing red flag to me is that he's not keeping his word to her. To me, when people don't keep their word, it's not important to them. She should be important to him, and he should be wanting to make her happy and make things work and do what he says he'll do.
It sucks that your friend is in this situation, but you're being a good friend trying to help her out!
TTC since June 2012
Home Improvement Fanatic
If things have been bad for years and he's promised to make changes and never follows through or only follows through for a while, then it's time to move on. I know from experience. Years ago I dated someone for 3 years who was the same way, always promising to change, hiding things, etc. One day, I had to make the decision, do I want to be happy or do I stay and be miserable hoping for something to happen that never will. I chose to be happy, even though initially I was miserable.
I know that no one wants to ever give up on a relationship, but it seems to me that he's already checked out of the relationship (going to work when not scheduled, not making time for her, etc.). I think that moving back home for a while in hopes that he would change is a bad idea. I have the feeling the change would only be temporary and she'd be right back where she is now.
This is a good point as well.
TTC since June 2012
Omg. I can't thank you ladies enough. If he would go to counsling and make a real effort I truely feel that things could turn around. I really do. That just isn't hapening though.
I don't think she is ready to hear that they need to break up (from me) quiet yet. I hope she begins to realize that breaking it off is needed since he wont change. I will keep making sure she knows I am there for her no matter what happens. She deserves the best and he just isn't giving her his all.
If he doesn't want to go to counseling and is not making an effort to change, then he obviously doesn't value the relationship as much as she does. She needs to make a decision on what she wants to do - she can either stay in an unhealthy relationship that doesn't make her happy or decide to put herself first and leave. I know it's easier said than done, but she may need some tough love in this case from you especially if she is going to continue to complain about him to you.
My advice would be she needs to leave, until he proves to her that he can change. Unfortunately that may never happen, so she either needs to decide that she can put up with it or she can't and move on. It just sounds to me like he is stuck in his ways and needs a major jolt (like her leaving) to wake him up and get him to be more flexible. I wish them both well either way - he doesn't sound like a bad guy, just immature.
This exactly. After the hubs and I had been dating for 3 1/2 yrs and I hadn't gotten my ring yet and he kept dragging his feet and making excuses about not having the money for it but then he would spend $$$ on sports teams, etc. I had enough. I told him that I knew exactly what I wanted out of life and who I wanted to be with, but he seemed to be lost and unsure of where he saw himself in the future. I told him I loved him, but it wasn't fair of me to keep pushing him in the direction I wanted him to go and he needed to figure it out for himself. So, I broke up with him...and was completely devastated and heartbroken, but I stuck to my guns and a month later he came back to me and proposed 6 months later. I think giving a man their space like that is a make it or break it situation. If you let him go and he doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be in the first place and your friend deserves better!
I agree with this.