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HIS NOW INTERESTED
Hi, i have been dating my boyfriend for almost 5 years now. we ahve a little girl together, and i have a son while he has kids of his own (with different women).
When we met he told me he had broken up with his last baby mama which i found out wasnt th case, he lied to me about so many things and it hurt so much. Either way, he chose to be with me and i stuck around. I asked him so many times abt us settling dwn, at one point he proposed but kpt quiet after with no way forward.
My mum asked to see him, and he never ever went to see her, and now shes angry and wants me to get out of the relationship!!
Anyway, things went very bad for him and he lost everything and had to move in with me. I still continued to ask abt marriage but he said he needed to make some money first, which i didnt understand. In the end, i dropped it and decided to concentrate on me, and do thngs as an unmarried woman!!
Now the thing is lately, his been begging me to marry him, and his apologising for the things he did in the past. Hes really a different person, and i can see his really trying to be a good father and boyfreind. The thing is my mum says thrs no way his changed, and sh is nt interested in us getting married. If i go ahead it will b without her blessing.
Also, i cant seem to give him an answer, before i would have been excited about it, but nw i just dont feel anything. I honestly feel bad cos his trying so hard, and his going through such bad times. I met someone who really seems to like me, and i like him too, but iv been through so much with my boyfriend, and i have the kids to think about. Can i still rekindle what we had, and trust that his a changed man?
Re: HIS NOW INTERESTED
So, how many children with how many women does this guy have? How much child support does he pay out for this, and do you want to be tied to this as well?
Could just be me, but I'd be worried that he only wanted to marry you once his life turned to crap and he needed a crutch - you.
I'd trust your mother on this. He could be the nicest guy in the world, but you should choose to be with someone that will be a partner for you in life, a team. It doesn't sound as though he has much to offer.
Honestly, I think it's very telling that you're having thoughts about another guy, and that you've been concentrating on yourself (good for you). Marrying someone because you feel sorry for them and they're trying hard would be a terrible idea. Move on and find someone that doesn't make you feel like this.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Mom knows best. "When we met he told me he had broken up with his last baby mama which i found out wasnt th case, he lied to me about so many things and it hurt so much. Either way, he chose to be with me and i stuck around."
That paragraph sums up everything perfectly. Why would you even feel bad for this person? Why would you let him move in? You seem to lack the ability to say no to this person and seem perfectly fine putting yourself in these situations because you have always accepted that you are not important. I have news for you. You are important! He is not. I continuously fail to see why you would allow this to even happen. Your first step is to kick him out on his ass, you can not be responsible no matter what his issue is or the problems he has. He has friends he can rely on and don't believe him when he says he doesn't. You should not care. Secondly please learn the educated distinction between HIS and HE'S. You will never get a job writing like that! I read enough cover letters typed up just like you posted here, and I can tell you they belong unemployed.
My over all question to you is, what could this man do that wouldn't make you keep him? I'm curious because apparently aside from murdering you, he's completed all the other tasks on the list of being disrespectful.
I have seen this happen in a ton of failing relationships of close friends. Do you want to know the success rate and happiness of those relationships after my friend has given in? 0%. I've seen it happen for a couple of reasons: The guy is either trying to keep control of the relationship and manipulating you to stay with him and turns into the "nice guy" after he realizes that you aren't putting up with him being a jerk (which, btw, they almost ALWAYS turn back into a jerk after you give in, only you're more trapped into the relationship). OR he comes to a realization that he really will lose you and is trying to make it up. This can be tied to the manipulation and control or they really could change. One of the best ways to know is to not give him what he wants for awhile - take a break, ask him to move out, let him come visit the kids but keep him distant. You can see if he's changed or not by how he responds to not getting what he wants. I've seen some guys really go CRAZY - one guy I was best friends with before - when they didn't have control over how things went.
So my advice is to take a break and see how it goes. After treating you like dirt for 5 years, no matter how nice he is treating you now and no matter how hard he is trying, this break is absolutely warranted. Don't let him convince you otherwise.
I used to give presentations to teenagers about abusive relationships because nobody really teaches anyone about how to recognize an abusive relationship before they're already in deep. I DO believe that people can change, but I also believe it's imperative to make sure they have changed before even giving any encouragement.
I see this all the time at work, and the answer is that someone who takes his significant other for granted, runs around on her, and doesn't care about her feelings enough to commit even though there is a child in the picture, will never really change. He has spent years walking all over you, mooching off of you, cheating on you. Why on earth would he want to change? He knows he can do whatever he wants and you will still hang around.
My guess is that the other girls are blowing him off and he has realized you are his meal ticket. You've started to see through him and realize he will never be able to truly commit or make up for all of the shitty stuff he's done to you.
Get counseling to figure out why you have to little self respect as to settle for this loser. And stop having kids with people until you're married to someone who actually cares about you and will put you and the kids first.
He already sounds like a stalwart gem that's a real man of substance.
There is no way I'd have considered dating a man who has HOW many kids. He can't cover his soldier before he goes into battle which not also means a risk of an uplanned pregnancy it is also courting STDs galore.
And you sure have a problem. He proposed with "no way forward" and you still kept seeing him. You have a bigger problem with your character than Mr. Father Of The Year. He broke a promise he made to you --- and you thought that was fine and dandy.
And on top of this, he LIES...
And you TOLERATE this!
What's happened here:
He's played you for a fool and a doormat and probably a free ride for him -- you cook for him, you clean for him, you keep house for him -- and he's got it good. He already let you down once by lying to you. And he knows you won't say goodbye or throw him out. And he sure as all hell will not be marrying you anytime soon.
DROP this shithead.
And get therapy for yourself. Your self esteem is gone and so is your character. You think it's normal to let a guy lie to you and it's normal to have such low expectations when it comes to a guy? Yes, you do.
You sure do have a problem: he proposed and he didn't follow through and that was fine with you!
He's probably a stinko dad to his other kids and no doubt a stinko one to yours.
And if he is paying no child support to those other ladies, guess what: you ain't gonna see one thin dime from him. Once again, you get what you pay for.
Get rid of him. Stat.
Yes i made a mistake. I should have been tough from the begining, im trying hard not to judge him on his past. I just need to figure myself out right now. Anyway thanks for the advice, much appreciated.
By the way, i am employed. Iv been working since i left high school. Dont be quick to judge!