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Husband a sociopath?
My husband and I had problems right from the beginning. We met twelve years ago at work, but then reconnected about 5 years ago (he was 36 when we reconnected). When we first reconnected, we lived in different cities.
I should have known right from the start 2-3 weeks into dating.... we went out with a bunch of friends, and this guy started talking to me and flirting a little bit. It was not the end of the world, and I didn't continue flirting with this guy. My husband (boyfriend at the time) was SO mad that I flew from where I was living to his city to apologize. I don't know why I apologized. And I wasn't even sure what the status of our relationship was.
He was totally all about our relationship, and asked me constantly to move down with him, and I did. And the day after I moved down, he stopped saying "I love you." The whole thing was a mess. He drank a lot. I caught him talking online to someone sexually. The whole damn thing was a mess. He was angry all the time. He put me outside in the rain once and locked me out.
Things eventually settled down. He stopped drinking. Said he wanted to settle down. We got along. Really enjoyed each other. We talked a lot, went to baseball games, just enjoyed each others' company. We got married, and boom, ten months later had a kid.
And it's just been steadily falling apart. His ego is over the top. He exaggrated sense of self importance blows my mind. He talks about himself all the time. How wonderful he is at work. How much everyone loves him. He has a temper. He gets upset over anything. He's always waslking around yelling "jesus jesus jesus.' He says I'm a bad wife. That I don't help him out around the house. And I do 'less' around the house than he does, but I travel for work and even when I'm not traveling my commute is 2x as long as him. When I was pregnant 3 years ago, he was texting with his ex f*ck buddy. I found out. He swore nothing was going on and that he was trying to set her up with a friend of his that was recently dumped. Which is true, but that doesn't explain the dozens and dozens of other texts they shared over the months. He denies any wrongdoing to this day, other than he can see why he shouldn't have talked to her, but he swears there were no inappopropriate texts. I don't buy it. When the basis for your previous relationship was ONLY sex, what else are you going to be talking about... the weather? Then there was another 'old friend' who started emailing him... She was having trouble with her marriage. And being the guy who gets off on saving everyone, he walked her through it as she threw herself at him. But since she was doing the throwing, he claims he did nothing wrong. Then I asked if he had ever slept with her, he said no. But then changed his tune a little later and said once or twice ages ago.
Then there's the fact that he's just emotioanlly abusive. Calls me names, asks me if he should talk slow and use smaller words, uses sarcasm, jokes about getting a 'pinch hitter' for BJs. It goes on and on.
I recently called him out on his anger issues, and he said that he'd go to anger management so he could learn how to deal with me.... since I make him angry. Dear lord, he sounds like an alocholic who says I MAKE him drink. He says he's never had anger issues. Or drinking issues. But his (divorced) parents have issues too. His mom is addicted to pills, his dad is an (angry) alcoholic. And I refuse to believe that his upbringing has NO bearing with how he acts now.
He also has very little empathy (which is why I'm seriously thinking sociopath here.) I can't tell you how many nights we've fought where he's just totally laid into me. And I end up in tears, and he tells me he won't deal with my histrionics and that I'm faking it. I end up sleeping on the couch an emotional wreck while he gets an amazing night's sleep. He has never ONCE come out and said something like, hey, come back to bed. Or whatever... over FIVE years. Seeing me upset and cry will never ellicit an empathetic response. It makes him angry. Or happy? I don't know.
He also hated my career and at the same time takes credit for it. When I moved down, I left my teacher assistant job (making 15k) a year. he suggested I try a 'sales' job, and I worked my butt off and made connecttions in my city, and got my first sales job. 5 years later, several jobs and promotions later, I am making TEN TIMES what I was making when I came here, and he takes credit for all of it.Saying he coached me through interviews etc. Nevermind that I've actually worked my BUTT off. And now he resents me for it because I have to travel every other month or so.
I'm 31 now, and when I was 17/18, I met a guy in my town. He was alittle older, but we became fast friends, and I really had a big crush on him. We made out. A few years ago, we connected on LinkedIn, and talked a little bit about our lives/careers, but it never progressed beyond 2-3 emails. About 2 months ago, he friended me on FB. He didn't have it before that. We started texting, and it was all above board. About our lives, his work (he's not married), my husband, kids, etc...
Until one night, my 2 year old woke up in the middle of the night, and my husband (after a few drinks of course) started throwing a fit, and it was keeping our son worked up. I told him husband to calm down, and he told me to shut the f*ck up.
Well, after 5 years of this... All that I explained above, and the many many pieces I left out, I snapped. I tried for years and years to please him. I cried myself to sleep. And suddenly, I just felt indifferent. And I started texting my friend about how unhappy I was. And I know that's bad... You shouldn't talk about your spouse to an opposite sex friend. Not good. But I did. He asked me why i stayed, and honestly, I have no idea why. Probably because of our two year old. How can I move back 'home' 8 hours away and deal with a kid? Then we continued to talk, and I learned a lot more about him, more than I knew when I was a kid and we were friends. He's just nice. and normal. And it doesn't mean I want to leave my husband for him but it means that I get a glimpse that there's a chance for normal, functioning relationships out there. Then he and I started talking about more than 'friend' stuff. We talked about wanting to be with each other. Bad,I know. But... it didn't feel new, exciting, etc like I'm sure most affairs feel. It just felt, I don't know, calm, controlled, etc.
Of course, my husband busted me texting him. He never saw texts, he saw it on the phone bill. I made no attempt at all to hide it. He's FURIOUS. He called this guy and left messages. He told me this guy doesn't care about me at all and wants to just f*ck me. And of course, he's now using this as an excuse to skirt the five years of issues we have, saying that I 'cheated' on him. He can't 'get over it.'
And part of me is liek - REALLY? For five years, you've been completely indifferent to ANYTHING I felt. You pushed me away as I cried and cried for years... now all of a sudden I'm supposed to care abotu YOUR feelings? I just don't. I am so idifferent at this point.
WE started therapy last week. He said he can't even continue until he is over my 'affair.' I feel like we can't continue until we tackle our 5 years of bulls*it. And I don't even know if I want to. I am SO tired of all this.
He doesn't want me to talk to my old 'friend' anymore (I guess I don't blame him), but we still text on my work phone. Any mostly because he is texting to ask if I'm okay and if my husband has blows up or shoved me or anything of the like.
I'm in a mess, ladies, and I'm tired. I'm at the airport now. Traveling for work through Friday, and I could not be happier.
Re: Husband a sociopath?
I'm not sure anyone here can actually diagnose this man as a sociopath, but there's no question about whether you should leave or stay. It's time to go. While you should be waiting until you and your husband are divorced to talk to other men, it's good that you realize that you don't deserve how your husband is treating you. Also, this isn't what your child deserves.
If the man really is a sociopath, I would suggest getting a lawyer heavily involved and proceed with the divorce asap.
Honestly, I hate the idea of divorce, but in this situation, you said nothing positive about this man, you didn't mention any reason to stay. That either means that there really isn't anything nice to say, or you've made your desicion already.
Sociopath or not, why would you want to stay with him? It sounds like your life together is miserable. If you're staying for the sake of your child, you're doing him no favors to let him grow up in a household where his parents don't love and respect each other. Especially when he sees his father treat his mother with such little regard. Is that the kind of role model you want your son to have as he begins forming his own relationships with women?
It might be difficult to move and start over with a young child, but you wouldn't be the first one do it. You'd be surprised what kind of support you'll be able to find.
I don't know if he's a sociopath but he's definitely and insecure jerk.
Leave. Leave. Leave. It's only a matter of time before he starts pulling the same emotional crap with your kid.
And stop texting the other guy until you are divorced. Don't make this worse than it already is.
His problem is that he's an azzhole:
He was totally all about our relationship, and asked me constantly to move down with him, and I did. And the day after I moved down, he stopped saying "I love you." The whole thing was a mess. He drank a lot. I caught him talking online to someone sexually. The whole damn thing was a mess. He was angry all the time. He put me outside in the rain once and locked me out.
Why didn't you give him the boot after this mess? He drank too much? Inappropriate behaivior with other women? Put you outside in the rain and locked you out??? Anger problems? Eff that noise.
Leave him immediately. Get your fiances ready and when that is done, go. File and move out when he is not home.
Thanks EVERYONE for your input on this.
As far as being an emotional abuser, that's what our therapist called him. To his face. I thought my husband was going to jump out of the chair and flatten him (he didn't, thank goodness).
Since our first therapy session, my husband has been very up and down. Sometimes yelling, screaming, blaming this all on me, to this morning... emailing me while I'm away on this work trip and telling me he's done fighting and that he wants to fix this. I have no doubt he WANTS to fix this, but I don't feel like anything will change. Im hesitant.
We have therapy today, but I'm away for work, so I'm going to see if I can call into the therapist for a few minutes or something.
I'm just soooo tired, ladies. I got a severe migraine last night, and I know it's from clenching my jaw... which I do when I'm stressed.
Like I said, I work with victims of domestic violence, I have looked at all of the research and it shows that more than 99% of people who are abusive continue to be abusive despite any type of treatment...substance abuse, anger management, etc. Obviously people who are only emotionally abusive probably do better in therapy, etc. The biggest problem I see with him though is that he is constantly emotionally abusive. He never seems to actually acknowledge what is wrong with his behavior or that he should change it. Most abusers will say "I'm really sorry I hit you BUT" and he doesn't seem at all remorseful. It doesn't make him a sociopath but it does make him scary as hell and not worth being with. Your kid absolutely will learn from and pick up on his behavior.
Holy Smokes. My ExH and your H have a lot of similarities! I swear mine was Bi-Polar and a sociopath as well (my psychologist agreed).
I ended up getting a lawyer and getting a plan together to leave him. My daughter was around 14 months at the time...BEST DECISION OF MY LIFE!!!! Not only for me but my daughter!
This situation has been going on for a long time and you have sstuck in there. Ask yourself if you want to live like this the rest of your life?? Do you want to be unhappy? Will it EVER get better?
There ARE SOOOO many great men out there that would not treat you like this! I have been in your situation and I will never regret leaving that monster behind!!! He needed help and refused and did not want to put an effort into our family, career, family, bills...
Good luck to you and we are here for ya! There is a "Single Parents" board on The Bump I visit alot and there are a lot of single mamas on there if you need more advice/inputs.
Thanks everyone... This is so hard.
Partly because... This is my second marriage. My first husband? Sexually confused and likely gay. He's not sure.
And so I married someone who was polar opposite. Being divorced twice? It would just be so embarrassing. Gosh, what I have gotten myself into?
Just leave hun. As soon as you can, with your child. Do not worry about the divorce right now - just get yourselves safe. I have been there, and it will not get better with counseling. (You were describing my exH's and my marriage in your post).
There is nothing shameful or embarrassing about being divorced twice. It happens. I wish you the best.
I've been there- locked out in the rain (in a section of town where there were an average of two shootings a week. Let's not get into the other violence), sleeping on the couch, the blame. I won't even discuss what happened with appliances. I didn't have a child and I did have my parents willing to help me.
I know how hard it can be to leave, that feeling. He only thinks he wants to change. We both know that he really only feels that way right now and it will change again.
Please leave. You can contact local groups who can help you and your child leave safely. Your child may be two, but is already forming ideas of what constitutes acceptable interactions.
I left. I survived. I still have a recovery journey, but I formed a great support group. Without friends who showed me that normal existed, my family to support me, and my fianc? who has helped me grow and explore what a healthy relationship is and means, I don't know where I'd be. But first, you have to get the help.
I have not read through all comments but did read your post a few days ago and really wanted to reply in the hopes you take my advice seriously. I was married to a verbal abuser for 10 years and finally left 5 years ago. He was mean. Like you state, he would make me ball my eyes out and it seemed to have zero impact. My advice to you as you go through this is:
* Keep a journal of events that occur. It doesn't have to be long and can be just the facts but you will want it at some point to be able to look back and see that no, you were not crazy and didn't imagine all of this.
* Expect either a complete hell storm if you leave or a complete cold shoulder. Either way you will be told you are crazy and this or that didn't happen. This is where the journal comes in.
*If you leave prepare yourself for a hell storm. Be in good condition and have a support system in place. Leave suddenly and without warning and cut communication.
Note how I'm only talking about leaving because that is what you should do. The issue is that these people are incapable of even seeing they have an issue to even begin working on it. It is good you have a counselor that called him out but counseling should be just for you. Couples counseling does not work with these guys. They are manipulative beyond belief. Please read some books on verbal abuse. There is a site called DailyStrength that has a verbal abuse support group that was my lifeline.