Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Caustic/Argumentative Family- should I invite her to wedding?
We are having a small ceremony in October and both my Fianc?e and I have hardly any family still alive. My aunt, who has been like a second mother to me, is invited but she is often very nasty in the things she says and does. My mother passed away almost two years ago and did not include my aunt in her will- this has made an elderly woman even more bitter and spiteful towards me. I do love my aunt, shes helped me much over my life, but this day is SO important I don't want any negative energy or hateful feelings. However, if I do not allow her to come I will likely alienate her forever. Any advice??
Thanks! (hope this was a correct place to post this subject- of not- apologies!)
Tonya
Re: Caustic/Argumentative Family- should I invite her to wedding?
This is a tough one.
If she is divisive toward you it is likely she will be toward whoever it is she is seated with.
You could make the guest list smaller and include only very immediate family and a few close friends. THis would exclude you from asking your aunt.
Or you could invite her and if she gets out of line, have the maitre d or officiant escort her off premise.
I wouldn't invite someone to my wedding who is nasty, bitter and spiteful to me even is she was a second mom to me. Life's to short to purposely put yourself in a spot in which people are not nice to you.
How is anybody who is nasty to you "like a mom to you"?
I'm still trying to figure that one out.
If she was as bad as you say she is you should have ended contact with her quite some time ago. I had an aunt who was the same way -- argumentive, confrontational and just plain bad -- I finally decided enough was enough and that was it.
This goes beyond the wedding invite list. The issue is really what kind of relationship do you want to have with your aunt going forward.
Her being like a second mother would favor a continued, close relationship. Does she still act "like a second mother" or was that only in the past? Her being very nasty, bitter and spiteful would favor cutting her out of your life completely. It sounds like she is a toxic person.
If you don't invite her to the wedding, it is likely it will alienate the relationship. However, it sounds like ending the unhealthy relationship might be a good choice. Good luck.
Just curious, how old is elderly? Was she always a nasty old cow or is this a more recent development? I can't imagine my mother or one of her sisters pissed because a sibling left her estate to their own child. Seriously.
If you want the day to be stress-free, call it an elopement or running to city hall and leave her off the list.
I would invite her. Unlikely that a little old lady will ruin your day. Any guest that might hear an inappropriate comment will likely laugh at the "crazy little old lady".
Weddings are stressful because we cannot control every aspect of them. We want our day to be so perfect but the reality is that there is no such thing. Just do the right thing and roll with whatever comes your way.
My sister threw a fit at my wedding because her table only seated 6 and there were 7 assigned to sit there. Rather than just pulling up an extra chair she flipped out. A couple friends mentioned it to me afterward and thought it was funny. I know my sister is drama but I wasn't NOT going to invite her. People just laughed it off. No one cares.
So after your mother died, this aunt "was even MORE bitter and spiteful towards (you)"
And you want her in your life, why?
It's not normal to be angry that your sister left her estate to her child/spouse. Your aunt looks for trouble.
And, when you say "she is invited" - have you already told her she is invited, so you would be in effect un-inviting her?
Personally, I would not include her. Weddings only bring out the worst in some people, and I see this happening with your aunt.
This all depends on what you want your relationship with her to be. If you want this spiteful old lady to know you think of her as family, then invite her to your wedding. You likely will have little to no interactions with her on that day, anyway. Does she have enough manners to say "congratulations" to you during the receiving line (if you're having one?), despite her feelings? As others have said, if she makes other bitter comments, I'm assuming most of the people who will hear it will know the sort of person she is anyway, and just brush it off. It likely won't even get back to you after the wedding.
If, however, you are actually tired of having a negative person like this in your life, then don't bother inviting her to the wedding. If she asks, simply say, "you've never been warm to me, and I want only loving friends and family around me on this important day". Then she'll say something evil, and you can walk away.
The last thing I wanted to mention (or ask, rather), is whether or not she's always been like this. Her negativity and age could point towards dementia. It's quite common if this is an extreme personality change.