Married Life
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Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Newly Married and Need HELP
I recently have gotten married ( May 2012) and up until then everything was perfect in our relationship. We lived together for 2 years prior to getting married and have dated 3 years. We are always together and have been apart. Now all of a sudden he is saying he needs his space...But why now?? after getting married i figured we would be closer then ever now it feels like we are just another couple dating. We are both in our early 20's . Also it's not like we are together 24/7 , he works nights and I work days ( he even sleeps on the couch so he wont wake me) . But now he wants to "schedule" weekends where were aren't together. I understand we need our own time apart but we NEVER do things together... Please HELP i am soo CONFUSED !!
newlymarried2012
Re: Newly Married and Need HELP
You've heard what I've done, not what I've been through.
If you were in my shoes, you'd fall the first step."
I, too, went through this, and it may sound mean but I just started to schedule my own things at these times he wanted his me time. It was absolutely amazing how quickly this outlived itself. My first weekend in San Francisco with a couple of friends was a killer for him. I didn't make a huge effort to pick up the phone (which seemed like it was ringing constantly) I just sent a text that I was having fun and I would call sometime later that evening when things slowed down. His me time started being less and less, and now he doesn't even want to go do things when his friends ask, and now he always asks me to go.
The best thing you can do is come off like you need your time too, which I do at times, they are like kids the more you say no the more they want to do it.
The first thing you need to do is change your nest name. Really? You're using your real first and last name? Dumb.
So, to recap, you H works nights, sleeps on the couch, says he needs space and wants to schedule weekends apart. Aaaaand you're both young. Like REALLY young.
He's either thinking of cheating or already cheating. Sorry, but do you know for sure he is even coming home after work? Why does he suddenly need planned weekends apart? Being married doesn't include weekends off. No, you don't have to be together all the time but it sounds like he doesn't even like the little time you guys are actually together. Have you asked him why?
So, really, I think you need to look at YOUR expectations and why things seem "different", when I'm wondering if they've really changed, or it's because they DIDN'T change that you're upset.
And I' mgoing to stereotype here - but most guys in their early 20's really don't tend to WANT to get married and "settle down". This could also be him realizing he wasn't ready for this step.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
It sounds like he's suddenly realizing just how big of a commitment he's made and he is freaking out. If it were me, I'd give him some time and space, but I'd also be concerned that you aren't spending much time together. Perhaps he could schedule some time out with the guys, but also schedule some dates with you? Married people need dates, too.
If this continues and he's still not sleeping with you, I'd suspect something more is going on, particularly if he wants to spend whole weekends away.
Either way, I don't think counselling would hurt!
After getting married, I think it is normal to develop a fear that you will never ever ever be alone again and that you cannot do the things you 'used to do." Hopefully, when you settle down a bit more, you realize that it is not true. I think like all relationships, in a marriage, it is a good idea to give some space to both parties.
If by a week you are not feeling secure in your relationship, you can voice your concerns and talk about what your expectations are. I am sure you can find a mid way...
I went through this when we first got married. We got married at age 30, dated for 6 years but never lived together. I never had to share a room with anyone for 29 years, and now I had to share my room and whole apartment with my husband? And if I didn't like this new "roommate", I couldn't do like I had done in the past and move - I was stuck with this one for life! I really missed my space. I missed doing my "secret single behavior" things like watching TV with the closed captioning on or leaving my dishes around for the week and doing them all on Friday. Instead doing those seemingly harmless things we did when we were single were now causing us to fight. Joining our finances was upsetting me as well as we didn't agree on what to do with our money - I am a saver, he was a spender.
I wasn't having an affair or thoughts of an affair, I literally just needed space. We didn't have a second bedroom where I could just go and be by myself. Leaving the house for a walk didn't help because I still had to share the space when I got back. I kept telling him I felt like I needed space and he didn't get it - another fight. I was depressed and eating my feelings. It took hard work on both of our ends to be able to calm down and adapt to a lifestyle where we are both happy. Now we've been married two years and it is much better. I still cherish those rare weekends when my husband is out of town for a bachelor party or something and I get the whole apartment to myself, but I don't feel like I am suffocating anymore.
Why do you suppose you got married when you did? Because you and he were ready or because it ws the next thing to do and it was expected?
He shouldn't be sleeping on the couch. Intimacy is everything at this stage of your marriage and hey, if you wake up, you'll go back to sleep.
Very difficult to tell why he said what he said.
Give it a week and then you and he sit down and discuss what he said. Let us know what happens. GL.
PS: you and he should be doing things together, even if you are on 2 different shifts. He owes it to you to spend time with you and do things with you, even if it's something as mundane as taking a walk together.
My first instinct here was that he had the "holy sh!t I'm married" thing run through his mind. And now somehow he thinks that spending time apart will help. I couldn't disagree more. You need to have a conversation with him, SOON, because this isn't good.
Also I hate to ask it, but is it possibly that he's cheating? With the amount of time that you're already down to, and the fact that he wants to spend EVEN LESS of that time with you- there's some major red flags there. At least for me.
This for me too. Taking some time for yourself and being away really makes them see how much they miss you.
I was feeling quite taken for granted, and left for a week to visit family, and was much more appreciated as soon as I got back.
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