Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Sunday FFC
So this is going to make me feel like a super ungrateful snob but here goes...
D and I are coming home to OK in 2 weeks for a vacay and to introduce baby E. I have not really talked to my father much in several years...long story but he did some not so nice things and I ended up sueing him. Anywho, I have started talking to him a little since E was born...a few emails here and there, how's the baby type stuff. Well iHe asked when we were coming home and I told him when and said that we were driving because flying and then renting a car for 2 weeks while we are there would be too expensive. He then writes back and offers to fly all 3 of us home and get the rental car. I was pretty shocked by the offer. After much discussion with D and 2 of my SILs we decided to take him up on the offer.
Now I know since he is paying for all that I am going to have to spend some time with him. And I guess we are okay with that but the real issue is that I do not want to see step mom. Like have no desire what so ever. She just rubs me the wrong way and frankly is full of sh!t. She tries to make everything all about her and she lies about everything. She is a FB friend and I wish she wasn't. She comments on EVERYTHING that I post and it's just so....fake. She was not nice to me when I was younger and I had the nickname of Cinderella from my friends if that gives you any indication of how she treated me.
So does it make me a bad person to not want to see her when we go home? I feel like I should feel guilty about it since my dad is flying us home, but she is crazy and I just don't want to see her. Not to mention I don't want to see my half sister either because she is crazy thanks to step mom. Ugh....
Prince Charming stole my heart and we rode off on his white horse...
"A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous."
-Ingrid Bergman-
Check out my Etsy shop: www.etsy.com/LemonDropDesignShop
Re: Sunday FFC
Do you think your dad is doing all the stuff because he's trying to mend fences? Is there a way for you to see your father without seeing stepmonster? Or do you feel comfortable telling your dad you'd like to see him but not her?
First, I feel your pain. I'm sorry about the situation!
However, since your father is trying to mend fences and is spending what I presume to be a fairly substantial sum of money, I hate to say it, but you might not have a choice but to see her and put up with her for a little bit. Maybe you can meet on neutral territory and take her and your dad to dinner as a "thank you?" And then figure out a way to see your dad again without her present (see what her schedule is like and purposely plan something while she's busy maybe?).
Good luck!
my bookshelf!
Bloggy
If your dad is paying for that stuff, you have to see him. And obviously, he wants to see you because he wouldn't be paying for that stuff if he didn't.
The stepmom stuff really bugs me. I guess what I would do is tell him that you want to spend some time with him so he can meet his grandchild but because of some things in the past, you are not ready to deal with step mother. I would make some comments about how you and your husband have family rules about how one should be treated and given she can't seem to follow them, she isn't welcome in your lives right now yada yada.
But...I would like to point out...my parents are still married and have been for nearly 40 years. My mother is my biological mother and is a total nut job as you all are somewhat aware. I get frustrated with my dad too, because he doesn't see how she treats me or if he does, he chooses to ignore it. Being married for nearly six years now, I understand that you have to chose your battles and my father has chosen to stand by his wife, which, technically, is how it should be given I always stand by my husband even if I think he is wrong. Being a step mom myself, I get a little high maintenance about situations like this because kids seem to think their biological parent should chose them over their step parent (their biological parent's spouse) and that just isn't how it works. I am sorry she is horrid but even if she were your biological mom, he would take her side. Of course, you have no idea what is being said behind closed doors either.
Is there anyway you could see him when she isn't around? Does she work or something and ya'll could do lunch during the daytime when she's gone? Spending time with him away from her would be ideal it sounds if possible.
My dad was this way with his new wife before he died. Unfortunately he chose her over us and it cost our relationship in the end. He knew that we loved him and wanted/needed him around but she refused to allow him to see us without her, he wouldn't tell her otherwise and it cost his children in the end.
I don't know that I necessarily believe in choosing a spouse over a child. My dad was not good to us growing up and my mom had no problem kicking his a** to the curb for it. I can honestly say that if DH was not good to sweet baby I would do the same.
You shouldn't have to take second place in your Dad's life and it sucks that he has allowed that to happen.
I guess I disagree. My husband and I will always be first to one another, just as my mother is first to my father. I have gone back and forth with one of my girlfriends about this - she puts her husband before her kids - but her father is not allowed to put her step mother - HIS WIFE - first. I don't see what the difference is? If you always put your kids before your spouse, what happens to your marriage when your children grow up and have lives of their own? I just don't think that is healthy at all but I am probably in the minority on this one. I guess my point is, regardless of it being her step mom or her biological mom acting like a douche, her father would put that person before her, because that is his spouse.
EXACTLY!!!!!!!!!
I think there's a balance. Obviously, you have to protect your children and not slow them to be abused, I don't think anyone would question that.
I think to me it boils down to neither is first. I will not choose between my spouse and child and I shouldn't have to. If my spouse is acting ridiculously, I would tell him so (privately). If my child was acting ridiculously, I'd tell him so too. I'll decide how I feel about a particular situation, but that doesn't change how I feel about both of them. Loving your spouse and child aren't mutually exclusive.
Also, pink label, I think you're projecting wayyyy beyond what's actually been posted in this thread about their relationship.
I don't mind seeing my dad. I do think he is trying to repair the relationship. But with the way step mom treated me when I was you get to the way she acts now, I find it difficult to want to see her. Part of the back story is that my mom died when I was 9 and dad remarried 10 months later because step mom was preggo. She then wrote a letter to my gma (mom's mom) telling her that I was her daughter now and that she was to have nothing to do with me an she was not allowed to contact me any more. I have seen the letter because my gma waited until I was 18 and contacted me.
That is just one reason I don't want to see her. My dad doesn't really take her side per say, he is just the type of guy who doesn't care. If I were to bring it to his attention he may say something but I just don't feel like all the drama.
I don't think there is any way to avoid seeing step mom ( they are welcoming us at the airport) and she doesn't have a job so I can't see him unless she is around. I do plan on telling him that we will only meet on neutral ground based on the previous things he has said and done to me at his house after I sued him.
This is definitely a hard situation. I do think you need to take control and notify him of some ground rules BEFORE you see him. Does your stepmonster know that you know about that letter? Does your dad know about it? What an odd thing to do. I do think this is something you should talk to her about and what do you have to lose by having a sit down with her about it?? I find it odd that your grandmother DID, in fact, stay away?!?
I don't want you to think I am beating you up, btw...my SD is only six and the crap her mother tells her...I am just like OMG. I have saved every horrible email and text she has sent to my husband - because some day SD will confront me and I will want her to know exactly why we have done the things we have done. And even if it is DH's idea to do things one way or another, it WILL be ALL MY FAULT because I am the step mother, but SD deserves to eventually know the truth - two sides to every story and all that crap. I think you should talk to her about it. Not CONFRONT her, talk to her.
I also think that before you come into town, it would be a good idea to talk with your dad about the stuff that happened in the past. That way, when you get here, you can have a more meaningful discussion about it, but hash out the really emotional stuff from a distance. If you want to meet somewhere neutral, fine, but tell him why so you can discuss it.
Can you tell I prefer to overcommunicate in my relationships?
It seems like maybe your anger is misdirected a little. It sounds like you're angry with your stepmother because you feel your dad got involved too quickly after your mother's death. If anyone deserves your ire for that, I would think it would be your dad. Though really, two decades later, I think it's time to accept his choice of a partner.
I am also struggling to understand how your dad didn't know / notice your grandmother disappearing from your life at her direction. I think I'd personally hold him at least partially accountable for that too. I would need to understand his role in that and make sure they both knew that it was unfair and inappropriate to take that relationship away from you. Either way, I hope you guys can talk through these things and either resolve them or you can come to peace with their lack of presence in your life.
I agree with this. I think there is a lot of blame being shoved on one person when there are quite a few parties involved in this mess. At the same time, some of this is on you too. Seriously, I can't imagine finding out my step mom wrote a letter like that and not confronting her about it immediately.
I do not blame just one party for the problems with the relationship. And I do believe my dad knew about the letter to gma. They are not each others biggest fans to say the least. I did not know about the letter to gma until after my relationship had dissolved with my dad. I am not a big confrontation person, but I am at the point now that if it gets hairy when we get home I have no problem telling her off. Sorry if it confuses some people...it is a pretty hairy situation. I just don't know if I should feel guilty that I have no real desire to see her.
Bottom line, no you shouldn't feel guilty about not wanting to see her. She hasn't treated you well in the past and you shouldn't feel guilty for that. Hopefully she has grown as a person since you last had to deal with her and she can act civil towards you now.