Relationships
Dear Community,
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Second Chances
Do you believe in second chances for serious "relationship offenses" (i.e. infidelity, hiding debt, etc)? Part of me wants to say there should be no second chances. But in saying that aren't I really saying that people are incapable of change? There are things about myself I'd really like to change, so I hate to say I am capable of change but no one else is. How do you know whether someone is worth a second chance? Does anyone have any stories -- either successes or failures -- relating to giving a man a second chance after a major mistake?
Re: Second Chances
Depends. IF the offender is truly sorry and moves to make amends asap through counseling and being transparent with their spouse etc, yes there could be second chances. Both spouses have to be on board with the second chance business though, not just the offender.
Now any kind of abuse, I'm going to say no, there should be no second chances.
Too many things to factor to answer simply.
If married - infidelity, hiding debt etc. - yes to ONE second chance. Not third, fourth and fifth chances. And both need to be on the same page and willing to work on it together.
Abuse - No. Leave.
If not married - probably no to all of it.
I can think of exceptions to everything I said above but in general those are my rules...
I could not forgive infidelity. DH knows this. If he cheated I'd never be able to trust him again and wouldnt want to live my life wondering if/when it would happen again.
I am a firm believer that if you are not happy in your marriage you either 1) get help to make it better or 2) get out. Dont go looking to see if the grass is greener on the other side!
There is no way I believe in second chances. if you truly love someone you would not get yourself in a position to cheat in the first place.
I can't answer that because I've never experienced it with someone worth forgiving.
And then you have to define which serious offence because the deal breakers vary from person to person. If I found out that my H was in a ton of debt - ok, then we work, two jobs if necessary, to make it ok. If he cheated, I couldn't be that forgiving but I love him and I would find a way to get over it.
You marry a person worthy of unconditional love and that means no deal breakers; you get into it knowing the person and understanding that they come with faults and flaws - the question is, are you willing to tolerate them? My H is an alcoholic, past drug abuser/dealer who had some major recovery to go through before we even talked relationship. I got into this with both eyes open and I'm proud to say he hasn't disappointed - not once.
Abusive men did not become abusive overnight and if you marry an abusive man then get the hell out and never make that error again - but don't marry one and expect them to change.
Whatever the problem, you have to figure out if your H is worthy of your forgiveness.
I've seen people stay together and have something fairly mediocre, sure. But I've never seen a couple stay together after something big and be genuinely happy.
I think the reason is the deception. People start out thinking "oh, he can change if he wants to", and that is true. But then reality sets in, and they start wondering how they'd ever know the difference between him changing, and him just hiding things better, since they've been fooled before. And there is no way to know the difference, not really.
^ A million times this.
I think it depends on the offense. I've had a couple of these situations. My ex-husband used to lie to me about stupid things - i.e., dipping (yeah, I'm from the South, lol). He decided to quit... I didn't give a flip either way... he told me he had, etc. After we got a place together, I decided to plug in a lamp (don't ask) that I had been asking him to for days while he was gone.
In order to do this I had to move the couch to get to the plug. When I moved the couch, there was like OMG I don't know how many spit bottles from where he had been hiding them. When I asked him about them (I wasn't upset about him dipping, I was upset about him lying), he said he didn't know why he did. The first though in my head - and out of my mouth - was, "If you're lying to me about something this stupid & petty, then what else are you lying about or hiding?" Well, should have listened to myself... lied about many things for many years, including infidelity.
Obviously, he is the ex-husband now and from that point forward I followed my own "no-second-chances" rule and it has worked quite well... even with my friends. Story #2: I had been friends with... we'll call her Marie... for about 16 years. We went through our divorces at the same time... yes, most 20-somethings go wild during a divorce and we did, BUT she was always an excellent mother to her daughters. Several years ago she met and started dating a guy with a 15 year documented criminal history. She now has a child by said guy... and has picked up on his ways.
At first they weren't so bad, and I gave him the benefit of a doubt - until I found out they were obtaining their money in illegal ways. I caught her in a couple lies, and she came 50% clean about them. I, once again, gave her the benefit of a doubt and she continued to lie (poorly at that) and developed rapid speech and was always hot & sweaty (which definitely did not redeem my faith in her). We are no longer friends and have not spoke to eachother other than forced small talk (I work at a grocery store, have to be nice to customers) in about a year. I miss my friend, but not the drama that followed her.