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Is it time to confront my MIL?
Hello everyone,
I've been with DH for over six years now. We've been married for one year.
Since I met my MIL, she's been a nightmare. She does not like me for the following reasons (and has clearly expressed them)
1) I'm Canadian and DH is American. We live in the states right now while we finish grad school but plan to move back to Canada once that is done. She thinks I'm using him for a greencard. (note: I miss Canada too much to ever do this)
2) I don't work, but attend school fulltime. My husband works fulltime and attends school part-time. We agreed on this arrangement because his work fully pays for his school, and it makes way more than I ever could. It works for us, and he has no problem being the only working person - My MIL doesn't like this.
3) Thinks I lie about things, and keep DH away from her. It's true that we do not go over there often, but that's because of how she treats me. She refuses to talk to me, makes nasty comments and just generally doesn't care.
4) I took a trip with a friend, and she thinks I'm selfish for that. We split a tiny portion of wedding money we got, and each did what we wan with it. My husband bought some stuff, I took a trip. Simple, yet she didn't like it and still complains.
DH has had to deal with her many times. She's asked to take control of our accounts because she thinks "I'm spending our savings away". She doesn't invite us out (but invites out DH's sisters and their husbands).
Recently, DH's younger sister got married to a man she has known for less than 6 months, and married him two weeks after their engagement. She loves him. She parades around on FB and in real life how happy she is to have a great new son-in-law. It's extremely frustrating to see this happen but I've been with DH for so long and never did anything to her.
So I guess the question is - Is it time to confront her? I feel like it may be time, but I don't even know how to approach this situation. Do I go out for lunch with her and deal with it? She doesn't realize that she's pushing her son further and further away (and myself). He's tried to talk to her, and nothing has been changed.
Sorry this was so long!
- Heather
Re: Is it time to confront my MIL?
This woman doesn't like you and isn't going to hear anything you have to say. So yes, it's time to confront. But not for you to do it. Your husband needs to do it.
He needs to stand his ground with her and explain that he is a grown man, capable of making his own decisions. He needs to explain to her that he will not be around her if she can't at least be civil to the woman he's chosen to spend his life with and that where you choose to live, who chooses to work and how you spend your money are all none of her business.
I'd probably also point out that she is pretty unsure of her own parenting abilities if she thinks her son is this easily duped by a lying, selfish woman in search a green card. I'm not sure that would be productive, but it would be very self-satisfying to point out
What does "he tries" to talk to her actually mean?
I think you all need to stop sharing details of your lives with her, and I think that ANYTIME she is rude or negative about you, your DH needs to FIRMLY tell her that her actions are unacceptable. You are his wife and if she can't treat you w/ resepct, then she won't see EITHER of you.
THEN he needs to follow through.
I'm not saying "cut her out", but to get it through to her, action needs to happen. SHe's rude? You all get up and leave? She speaks negatively about you? He hangs up the phone/ you all get up and leave.
She does this partially because she gets away with it. And I side-eye his "trying" to tlak to her. It's not hard to say "SHe's my wife- treat her w/ respect".
But is he not willing to say that? Is he not willing to leave her house or hang up the phone? As long as he doesn't FIRMLY take a stand, she will continue to act like this.
And to answer your specific quesiton - no, YOU should not "confront" her. You're already the bad guy. YOU talking to her iwll get you absolutley no where and it will only give her more reason to hate you.
HE needs to step up and put an end to this. even if it means not seeing her for awhile.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
If you have been together for over 6 years I would imagine you already knew she had issues with you and you still chose to marry your DH.
I really think you need to just move on and accept that your MIL doesn't like you and that is fine- there is no rule that says she has to be nice to you.
Why can't you just be civil to her when you are required to spend time together (family event, holidays) and just do your own thing with DH the rest of the time?
As long as you and your husband are happy together I don't see why you *need* her to like you?!
I hope for your sake and sanity you don't follow through with any plan to confront your MIL; it may seem like the logical and satisfying choice to have this conversation with her and get 6 years of frustration off your chest but in the end, it's just probably not worth it.
I've had a MIL like this from a previous marriage and I'll tell you from experience that this will just give her more ammo and likely more reasons not to like you. It's not unreasonable to want your spouse's parent(s) to like or love you, but it's not always the case.
I would leave it alone; she already doesn't like you and apparently isn't ready and/or willing to work on this relationship. I would still encourage you and your H to stay in touch with her but if she's negative, end the contact and move on; if it's too much over a given period, just take a break from her. GL but seriously, don't add fuel to this fire.
When you found out she disliked you this intensely, you should have moved on. Presumably that event occured when you were only dating the guy. If it walks like a duck, it's a duck.
Why do you want a relationship where it is clear the boyfriend's mother doesn't like you? You should have moved on...but that did not happen.
Your H needs to step up to the plate and tell his mother once and for all to treat you civilly and that is with no questons asked.
If he will not take your side, bad news. This is an H problem, not a MIL problem.
This. She doesn't sound capable of reason or of hearing your side. You might feel better for a day for doing this, but it will create more strife in the long-term. Keep communication with your DH open about this topic. Be sure you two are consistently on the same page and then, live your lives. You will never be able to please everyone. It stinks that MIL is one of these folks. I have to laugh about the U.S. vs. Canada thing. Really? LOL. Find the humor in it.
DH has stood up for us many times, and continues to. I didn't mean to make it sound like he doesn't. A few years ago his mother called him over saying she needed help with someone but really, it was to corner him with a "family meeting" about dumping me. He stood up, and left. We made a deal that if she ever acts rude while we're out or over at their house - we leave. And she knows that. When we have, she then plays the whole "you're keeping my son away from me" card. It's ridiculous.
We didn't attend any family events after that for a long time, and I'm still not 100% comfortable going, but we go to see my SIL and my nieces/nephews. I remain civil with her, and don't talk to her unless I have to.
MIL has ruined her relationship with her son at this point. Again, we go to family things to see other family members and our nieces/nephews. He won't return her call or go over there unless it's an event.
I think what you all have said makes sense and confronting is probably a bad idea. I knew she'd most likely just get pissed off if I did it, but in the end it's just annoying that she can't get over her issues. 6 years is a long time to act like this, and i'd be embarrassed. DH's older sister keeps saying how she wants the family to be close, but she knows MIL will always prevent this.
thank ladies!
Why can't you be close outside of everyone relationship with MIL? Can't you get together with SIL and family without MIL there? It would be sad that everyone misses out on something they all want due to one individual's behavior.
If she is this horrid, you and he would be better off eliminating her from your lives. Dump you? Dreadful... I had a mother who'd do that pretty much every time without fail when bro got a new gg.
Why in the world should she have broken up with him just because his mother didn't like her?!? The trick is to deal with it in a healthy way (as others posted- leaving if there's an issue, having DH stand up to her and be firm, keeping boundaries, etc.) not end a relationship because of someone else's bad behaviour.
I mean, seriously. Someone's a little break-up happy, and ::major side-eye:: to you because of it.
There's a big difference between her not liking you and being downright rude. I could give a rat's ass if my MIL liked me, but I expect that she treats me with respect. That's just common courtesy between human beings, forget the fact that you're family.
If she is making these nasty comments directly to you (versus hearsay), I see no problem with addressing right then... "that is rude" or "please dont' say that, it's quite inappropriate" then immediately change the subject/leave the room/hang up the phone.
If you and your husband want to see the rest of the family without her, then do it, and don't feel bad. She's creating this problem, and she will have to live with the consequences of people not wanting to be around her.
Regarding his relationship with her, specifically her "pushing him away"...that's his dilemma, so let him handle that. You're forunate to be on the same page as him. As long as your (you and your hubby's) relationship isn't suffering as a result of her nonsense, then carry on happily. Happiness is the best revenge!
Not that I don't think that your MIL is out of line, but just thinking about it from a different perspective -
1. The green card thing. I work in immigration and see this all the time. Did you guys get married sooner than you had planned for immigration purposes? A lot of people do this, but if you did, I can understand why she could possibly think that you are after her son for a green card. My sister married an American (we're Canadian) and I'm sure that at one point his family thought that too, because they rushed the wedding so that they could get on with her immigration paperwork and they could live together in the States. If that is anything similar to your situation (and the situation of loads and loads of couples of differing nationalities), the only thing that is going to change that is time. The longer you are together, the stronger your relationship, the more people will back off and it will just be a lighthearted joke at some point.
2. Of course your MIL doesn't like this. She feels as though you are living off of her son and not contributing. My husband is a SAHD, and people in our family have made similar comments. And if I'm being brutally honest, I would not like it one bit if my daughters married someone and then were the only one working in that relationship, especially if they didn't yet have kids. Fighting her on it by trying to justify what you do, what the value of your housework is, that you had agreed on it as a couple, etc. is not going to help. I'd just let it be, and if it is brought up I'd brush it off saying that you two are doing what you feel is best. Change subject.
3. Of course she thinks that you are keeping her son away from her. It's uncomfortable for you around there so you don't go, he doesn't go without you, that's your fault, the cycle continues. This leads her to believe (not just think, she has justifiable reasons to fully believe this) that you are controlling and keeping her son away from her, away from the family, etc. A lot of wise posters on here (some left) recommend going to MIL's home when invited, but as soon as she turns nasty or rude you both get up and immediately leave. Every time. This way, she will learn that it's not you keeping him from her, it's her behaviour. Just a thought.
4. I can see how she might feel upset by that. You're living off of her son without working or contributing financially, and when you do have some money, instead of contributing to the household (and yes, she may view buying things for the house - even toys - new TV, computer, whatever, as a household contribution) or with bills, debt, groceries, savings - that you spent it on a vacation. Without your husband. With your wedding money. Even I find that kind of strange, but whatever.
I know it seems harsh, but my point is that if you look at it from her perspective, you very easily can come off as a green card freeloader on her son. 1 and 2 can be fixed with time and patience. (don't write her off, she's his mother. Be the bigger person here and let your relationship with her develop without forcing it or fighting these points with her). 3 can be fixed with consistent action from yourself and your husband and 4 is strange to me, but whatever. It's over and should be water under the bridge, don't address it with her, don't engage her about it, it's done.
Best of luck, and keep in mind that even though America and Canada are very similar culturally, there are still some major cultural differences that you are encountering, such as her green card marriage comments.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
My MIL was nuts and rude and was always talking about me behind my back.
DH told his mom if she didnt call and apologize, we wouldn't be seeing her again until she did. We have two young children, so she did.
She hasnt said a word about me to him again, mainly because she was so embarrassed that she had to call me and apologize.
Sorry, the board is dead and #4 is still really bugging me. People gave you money at your wedding as a wedding gift - meant for the two of you. This is in lieu of like, a blender or something. If I were to give someone money instead of a gift at their wedding I'd assume it was going A: to contribute toward setting up the new couple in their new home/lives together. Like a blender. or B: your honeymoon, or a trip together, or anything that you two would do together that you would enjoy.
If I gave someone money at their wedding and then found out that they divided it evenly and one of them went on a holiday with a friend instead, I'd give that the side eye. Your husband's family probably gave that the side eye too, and brought it up to his mother, who has been embarassed by it.
Even if that wasn't the case, I still think that number four is strange, and looks money grabby.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
Your wedding money is your business what you do with it. I do not care what someone does with their wedding money as long as they do something for themselves I am fine with that.
your mil will only get satisfaction that she is getting to you. just do your best to be the bigger person ( I know this is hard) and you will come out feeling so much better.
JennyB's Contact!!!
While I don't think confronting your MIL is at all worth it since it will just add to your drama, I am baffled as to why someone would try to defend her behaviour (namely poster above).
You are Canadian. Canadians have no need to marry for a green card unless you actually (gasp) want to be with your husband in his country. She seems highly uneducated.
Your money is your money. If you work, if you don't, if you throw an orgy with it, as long as the two of you agree (and aren't using up taxpayer money to party), it is nobody else's business.
If I give somebody money as a wedding gift, it's theirs to spend however they choose.