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Bringing the family bloodlines to a complete halt
I saw the other post on no grandbabies for Mom but didn't want to dump my concerns there. I guess I'm trying to spell out my feelings so I can understand what my real problem is.
I'm mostly having an 'OMG hubby's vasectomy is next week how do I explain this to family?' panic.
We have both repeatedly discussed children, and both of us are pretty certain we don't want any. I admit I like babies, but only until they learn to talk, and then there's this gaping hole of misunderstanding and awkwardness between us until they hit their late teens. My husband finds babies creepy but gets along with children once he can 'reason' with them. We have nephews and a niece to play with on both sides of the family.
Neither one of us are good with needles or doctors or hospitals, and I'm particularly bad, having proven this after passing out twice while merely waiting for my husband to be released from out-patient surgery last year. I don't think we'd be able to handle pregnancy or childbirth.
My husband is only in his third year of cancer remission, and anything could still happen. Widowed is bad enough, but being a widowed mother does not in any way appeal to me. We also don't know what chemo has done to him and his sperm physically. It's possible we can't have kids anyway.
We both have a myriad of physical and mental issues, including severe food allergies, that I wouldn't want any child to inherit. I have a vision of ending up with a child genius with bipolar issues forced to live in some sort of bubble on a an extremely limited diet due to severe allergies. (Severe anxiety runs in the family. Can you tell?)
I feel our reasons are perfectly valid and logical and unarguable, but I'm still a bit antsy about this whole vasectomy thing and the family reaction. They're bound to find out because my husband has no concept about verbal filters and will tell anyone about anything, and I'm likely to need someone to go with us when I take him to the procedure, given what happened LAST time.
I also feel a little guilty asking him to do this. "Dear, will you risk random sexual complications to permanently alter your body to prevent babies rather than me doing it? I just don't feel being on the Pill is preventative enough." Given the way he jumped at the opportunity when I brought it up, I know he's willing and ready, but I wouldn't have been able to agree to tying my tubes. (I'll still be on the Pill afterwards due to my extreme irregularity and horrible periods.)
Mostly I just want someone to pat me on the head and say "You made the right decision. It doesn't matter what your families think, or if people accuse you of being selfish or sacrilegious. It's more important that you not reproduce. Ever. We don't want to deal with you doing that."
Re: Bringing the family bloodlines to a complete halt
This is a huge decision, particularly the vasectomy part.
And you need NOT explain a thing to anyone. No kids will be in the picture and only the gauchest and most tacky, and not to mention the nerviest SOB will dare to even utter the words "How come the 2 of you do not have kids?"
It's none of their business whether you have zero kids or 10 or 15.
I am certain they will not even ask.
YOu and he can put the vasectomy on hold until you both discuss the issue throughly. Vasectomies are reversible and there are also the kinds of vasectomies that involve no surgery. I have forgotten what the trade name of it is but it is similar to that plug that they insert into a Fallopian tube to tie a woman's tubes.
It's an in office procedure and is very very minimally invasive.
There is also a board here on the Bump/Nest called "Babies Not on The Brain." You might want to take a trip down there, also.
You and he are childless by choice. I myself have never borne a child and nobody ever dared ask me why I have no kids. Nor did they ever ask me and my then-H why we had no kids.
Wishing you luck; also wishing you health and happiness. Take care.
So, why don't you do a simple check of his sperm and get a sense of his fertitily options? It seems like a reasonable step before a surgery, right?
As for the V itself, it's not even comparible to the invasive surgery needed to tie your tubes. So, in a committed partnership, it's not even a close call - he gets the surgery for a mutually agreed goal.
As to not having children - your choice. No explanation necessary to family or friends. You can always freeze his sperm if you can afford it and really want to keep that option open. Or just buy new sperm if everything changes and you really want to get PG. Doesn't sound likely.
Even if they do a semen analysis and the doctors say he can't have kids naturally that doesn't mean it is full proof especially since they don't want kids. The doctor told us we couldn't have kids naturally and that we would need IVF and I got pregnant naturally. You can't always count on that.
*nod* This all really started when I discovered that OTC sperm count tests existed and asked him to take one, and then we'd proceed from there. It actually wasn't very informative, but there was a very, very faint line indicating 'normal' sperm counts. Considering how quickly he and his hair recovered from aggressive chemo we figured that line would just get stronger over time. I was rather surprised the urologist didn't request a sample, although he did say he was a 'good candidate' for the procedure.
BTW, I had the same 'OMG permanent change' panic when I got braces and had my ears pierced. It's just something I can't stop myself from doing. Strangely, I didn't when I got married. That felt more like fussy repacking before heading home after a rough trip.
Dramatic much? If you have nephews and a niece as the result of siblings breeding, the notion of bringing your families' bloodlines to a halt is histrionic.
And then there's this-
I'm mostly having an 'OMG hubby's vasectomy is next week how do I explain this to family?' panic.
On what planet is what goes on between your husband's or your legs any business of anyone other than yourselves? You don't have to justify your choice to anyone but each other. Not sure of the nature of your menstrual issues, but ablation is sometimes used to improve heavy flow and would have the side effect of rendering you infertile.
You guys are being amazing about it. I think you are just flipping out because it is a BIG decision and change. I honestly think there needs to be more people that have this mindset. There is a website called imperfect parents or could be imperfect parenting. Either way if you go to this site there will be articles upon articles that just make you question why in the hell did these people even keep their baby. It's a pretty depressing site. I read about 3 articles and couldn't take it.
I actually think it's more selfish for people to expect you to bring a child into the world b/c it is what THEY want, even though YOU / H will be the ones shouldering the responsibility for its care.
I don't mean this to be insulting (although I'm sure it will sound this way), but if you are so high-strung about a theoretical child, I really don't think you will be able to handle a living, breathing one.
You don't need to explain anything. Even if your DH blabs, I would just say "we gave a lot of thought into this highly personal decision."
If your family is one to ask "why haven't you had kids yet?" They will probably do so surgery or not. I agree, it is 100% your decision, and there is no rule that married couples must have babies! But it sounds like they will ask, so it doesn't hurt to have a plan as to how to respond. Will they understand, maybe not, but you can't have kids to make them happy, that's unfair to you and the children.
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I've never been very good at message titles ;-)
I checked out ablation, too, since it was new to me. Wow! Not sure it would help with my issues, though. I'll see what my doctor has to say about it on the next visit.
We're in our mid 30s, have known each other for nearly 11 years, married for 3.
My sister did the same as you, and boy was my mother in a giddy daze for weeks after she got the news!
Personally, I think you're making the right choice. You have to be 100% ready for kids (or at least be willing to be 100%), and if you don't think you can do it it is better not to take the risk, especially if you don't want them and don't think you will. I commend you for being so responsible!
It's nobody's business if you're having kids or if you even want them. And if someone is rude enough to ask, you can say something like, "Thank you for your opinion."
It's none of your family's business.
Would you consider freezing some of his sperm - just in case? My only concern is if you change your mind - although vasectomy's can be reversed, it's not always successful. Make sure that what you want to do - and if you're both comfortable with the decision - then you guys are grown ups - do what's best for you.