Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
HELP!!!!
ok ladies, I need opinions. My mother in law and I have not gotten along for the past 14 years (as long as we have been together) She never liked me because I am not her religion and she things that basically I am sending her son to hell...ANYWAYS, after MANY fights and disagreements, we are at least able to tolerate eachother. Well, this past year has been very rough for me. My mom and dad both died from cancer within 5 months of eachother and I feel lost without them and I hate being left with my MIL. This past sunday, she decided that she wanted to go check outthe house for sale across the street and I panicked. My DH said not to worry and that shes all talk. Well, last night she put an offer in. Im sick... there are no words that can describe how incredibly mad I am, I asked my DH to talk to her and all he did was tell her that there was another house in the neighborhood for sale. I dont understand why he cant tell her its not a good idea. I told him it will be terrible for our marriage since we already fight about her, All he says is it is what you make it. SOMEONE ANYONE please tell me I am not being crazy! This is a terrible idea right??
Re: HELP!!!!
Sorry to hear about your parents.
You can't tell your MIL where to live or where she can't live. It's a free country and she has the right to buy the house across the street or even next door if she wishes.
But that doesn't mean that you have to let her in the house, talk to her, or be her friend. She doesn't get a free pass to just waltz over to your house and hang out like Marie Barone.
Keep the door locked and don't give her a key. If she rings the bell, don't answer the door ... or just open it a crack and say, "Now isn't a good time to visit. We'll talk to you later" and then shut the door. This may be what your husband meant by, "It is what you make it."
However, I'm getting the vibe that your husband just expects you to put up with his mother when she treats you badly. If that's the case, then it really doesn't matter where your MIL lives, because your HUSBAND is the problem here because he doesn't stick up for you. And if MIL is thinking of buying the house across the street from you, then I'm guessing that she believes that your husband will welcome her into your home whenever she wants.
what do you expect him to say? 'mom you can't move there because wife doesn't want to be near you'?
come on. you can't tell her where she can and cannot move.
Sorry to hear about your parents.
I totally agree with you. What the hell is she thinking?!
My mother and grandmother live across the street from each other and it is a horrible passive-aggressive relationship. I swear my father left because of it.
Talk to her. Talk to your husband. Express that you love her but explain that it is a bad idea.or YOU move
good luck
I mean, yes, it's true you can't tell her where to buy a house but I also believe you that it will be a huge strain on your marriage.
With that said, your H has to back you up and set extreme boundaires with his mother. No surprise visits, no ridiculous amounts of phone calls, etc
If that doesn't happen, it would be on your H at that point, not his mother.
Move.
Really. If can't control her, control yourselves. If you don't like living across the street from her, move. It doesn't have to be immediately, but you can move at any time.
But I have nothing to do with the folks across the street from me. I suppose they can see our cars arrive and leave, and the lights on the house - but we don't loose any privacy from the front windows.
I dont know how to help you but can tell you that would be my worst nightmare.
And I agree it won't be good for your marriage. My husband doesn't even like his mother, but there is still tension involved whenever she is around.
Has your husband never seen "Everybody loves Raymond".
SN: so sorry foe loss of both your parents. How awful and traumatic for you. HUGS
PS previous posters say you can't say where she can and cannot live. Which is true. HOWEVER, I would think that DH would not encourage this. Its not a good idea. You are already strained. And the PP who says don't answer the door, don't invite her over, that is ALOT of stress. It is going to make a strained relationship even worse.
S*cky situation all around. But I am with you 100%
I read this and the first thing that popped in my head was "Everybody Loves Raymond". haha! (sorry...I know you're freaking but I couldn't help myself!)
I totally understand your panic! For about 8 months I lived on the next street over from my Mom. She's not exactly my favorite person. But I act nice as she IS my mother. But being that close, she stopped by A LOT and I was a very, very happy person when I moved about an hour from her.
I hope this works out in your favor. I really do!
My thoughts exactly.
1 - You need to tell your husband that if your MIL does move into the house across the street, that it won't change how much you see each other. (For example, if you see each other once a month on a Sunday right now, that is how it's going to remain, or possibly adjust to twice a month, or a quick visit each weekend. But she is not to come over every evening at her whim.) Your MIL would still need to call first before coming over. (Her response might be: "The audacity my son had to tell me this!!" Let her stew.) It is common courtesy to call first before visiting anyone.
2 - Also tell your husband that if MIL does move in across the street, that you are willing to give it a try for a year to live this close to your MIL. If she becomes too overbearing by living across the street, then you want to look for another place to live.
Your husband is being very naive to think this will just all work itself out. He doesn't realize that his mom is most-likely going to cross boundaries repeatedly, and that there will be major stress with the pressure of continuously maintaining and setting boundaries. Your # 1 topic will end up being about his mother, at least in the first year.
And, no, you can't tell anyone where they can and cannot live. However, your husband could be using this time to persuade his mom to live elsewhere and provide a valid argument. Because he doesn't want to create conflict/argument now, he will end up with an even bigger mess later down the road. This is his chance to be diplomatic (and you to be diplomatic with him) to avoid a war.