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Texting another "Woman"
First off I say woman in qoutes because she is more like a girl based on her actions. No woman worth respecting would do what this girl is doing. My fiance recently started a new job (after being laid off since November). I really was starting to think things would be looking up in the romance department (see earlier post.) Well because he has hidden things from me in the past I am now in the habit of randomly searching through his email and phone. For the most part I don't find anything and what I do find could be taken in other ways. I went on his gmail and checked his web history and found that he spent a lot of time last summer looking at pornography on the web (while I was pregnant with our daughter). I have not said anything about this but I then went onto our phone bill online and was able to see numbers that he texts or calls. I found one that I did not recognize and proceeded to go through his phone. (Please keep in mind that this is not like me at all but things have been off between us and not for lack of me trying (I own nothing but Victoria's Secret nighties and undergarments) he just has no interest.) The number was from a girl at work. He initiated the conversation and was just asking her about the new job as they met in class for the job and then proceeded to be sent to separate job sites. After a few texts she mentioned that they should "get together" on their day off together (Tuesdays). He said "Cool" then sent another text saying "Yeah my house is pretty cool...blah blah blah". I was upset that he didn't turn down hanging out with her but I figured I would wait and see. Nothing was texted for about a week then they had to return to class again for lecture on Meds. After the first day back she texted him again so I finally called her (maybe a step too far?) She seemed to understand why I was concerned and said that in all actuality she would have been treating the other woman much worse than I was treating her. Shes also said that all he does is talk about me and the kids and that it's just a friendship. At the time I was too nervous to really think straight but I asked her to please not tell my fiance that I had called as it would just cause problems. First thing she does Monday morning is tell him that I called her. Well he flipped. We have spent the last two days arguing over this because I really do not see the point in this "friendship" with her. According to him they have nothing really in common. But it makes me wonder why he would even try to get her number and text her in the first place? And all she is proving to me is that she has no respect for my relationship with my fiance. To me texting another woman's spouse is crossing a line unless it's absolutely necessary, but talking about getting together is definitely crossing a line. I am offended that she would even think that that's okay and that instead of clearly stating "no" or "Maybe we could double date" or any other number of possible ways of making it clear that I should be included he just said "Cool". It's as if he was leaving the door open for the possibility. And if he didn't really care about this girl the way he says he doesn't then why would he want her number? We have been arguing over her and it's putting a huge amount of stress on our relationship. He has become someone that I am completely unfamiliar with. He has said things that are hurtful t me which is not in his normal character. I apologized to him this morning and he said that he accepted my apology but did not offer one of his own for being so careless of my emotions. He is usually so sweet and tender and I just do not know what is going on in our relationship right now. I am so hurt and confused. The best part about all of this is that she LIVES in our complex. So it's not like they would have to go very far to meet up if they wanted. This entire situation has made me extremely uncomfortable. What should I do?
Re: Texting another "Woman"
The "woman" is not acting like a little girl with no respect for your relationship. the onus is on your fiance. I don't have any expectations for complete strangers, but I have expectations for the poeple I love and who love me back. If it were me, and my fiance responded to that text with "Cool" there would be hell to pay. So get that part straight - HE is the one with no respect for your relationship.
Frankly, after him "hiding" certain things from you (which resulted in you not trusting him to the point that you look through his phone, call other women, etc) I don't understand why you would agree to marry him and have children with him. Nothing you can do about the baby now, but you don't have to go through with marrying this guy.
He's "so sweet and tender"??? Bull.
He really sounds like a jerk, he has no regard for you, your feelings, or your relationship. And he is the father of your child (children, more than one?). Personally, this is behavior I flat out would not tolerate from someone I call my husband. Going to parties with other women, implying that he is available for a date with this girl, etc...
Damn right, you should NOT apologize. I think he is seriously taking advantage of you. Even if he isn't outright cheating (i.e. sleeping with other women), his behavior in INAPPROPRIATE, bottom line.
This is your relationship and you better than me or anyone else on this board. YOU really have to assess this and see if this is somthing you are willing to tolerate for the rest of your life with this guy. Can you really commit your life to someone who treats you this way? If yes, and you're willing to work through this, you need to communicate to him that this will not be tolerated - "If you pull a stunt like this again, and continue to disregard my feelings, I will not hesitate to leave you." Put it on the line and make his sorry ass crawl back and apologize.
He is "gaslighting" you -- making you think that the problem is with you, not his own actions.
Go to www.survivinginfidelity.com If you read the forums, you will see other people in your same boat. It never works out well.
Yup, ditto on the gaslighting. And the fact that you seem to be more pissed at HER is hysterical. She owes you nothing. HE owes you everything. And you're the one apologizing to him.
And he's "unfamiliar" to you? He's done this before! You're w/ a m an, and having kids w/ him, no less, who you do not trust and who shows no respect for you. He's done this before, he's doing it now, and he'll do it again.
This is really who you want to spend you rlife with?
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I always had a problem with people who said that men and women can never be JUST FRIENDS.I could never really grasp that idea because I grew up as a huge tomboy and my best friends were always guys. It wasn't until the past few years that I could see what these people were talking about. The truth is someone, whether it's the guy or the girl or even both, always has an ulterior motive. It might start out as a friendship, but when it becomes a relationship that texting or talking on the phone is involved, someone is ALWAYS interested in the other. What's funny is that once I realized this, I looked back at all my best guy friends and although I never saw them as dating material or even someone I would hook up with, I can distinctly remember instances when they DID want something more whether to date or just hook up. It wasn't until I was with someone that I TRULY did care about and love that I started respecting this truth. My FI and I don't have friends of the opposite sex that we regularly talk to. I'm not saying we don't have friends of the opposite sex period, but we really only talk to them on special instances. We both even deleted our FB pages so that unwanted people couldn't get a hold of us. We did have a instance early on in our relationship with FB where an "ex" of his messaged him out of the blue when she hadn't talk to him 6 months...so that led to the deleting of the pages.
So if this man is really the one you want to spend the rest of your life with, you need to discuss this with him. And if he can't see and understand the problem, then just coming from experience, the relationship will never work. GL to you!
I would have done the same thing!!!!!!!!
You're already sh!t out of luck with him because of this:
Well because he has hidden things from me in the past I am now in the habit of randomly searching through his email and phone.
Texting another woman?
Show him the door.
This is an affair, plain and simple -- and no guy who is a happy engaged to be married man does something like this.
End this relationship, cancel the wedding -- and get therapy. You seem to think it's fine to stay with a guy who pretty much doesn't want you. Why do you want a guy like that? He's not ready for a lifelong commitment.
How old is everybody involved?
Willing to bet you are all under 21 years of age -- nearly no 21 year old guys are ready for marriage -- and if he is older than that, he's not only immature but a jerk.
Leave him. Don't marry this guy.
a) If he is your fiance, he is not your spouse. You are not married.
b) If my partner was stalking my conversations and being clingy like you are I would be finding it a turn off, too.
c) What do you do? I think if you want to salvage things you need counseling. Obviously, the two of you are having a communication breakdown.
I totally understand what you're going through, I went through similar situation with my husband.
If you want my advice I would tell you to relax sit down with him and talk about where you guys feel this relationship is going.if both of you are willing to work on things to get better then I think you should look for professional help. I know it's hard but I think theres a lot of issues in this relationship.the fact that you don't trust him is one of them and I know there a lot more going on.be honest to your self,respect yourself and let no man walkover you.
And remember you are not married yet and things are like this,getting married would only make things harder.it takes a lot of mutual love and respect to keep a marriage.
Work together on you're relationship and I really wish you the best!
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Check out my blog!: From Pinot to Parenthood
What does a guy 5 years away from FORTY want with a 22 year old GIRL???
Get rid of this piece of deadweight. He is only a FI, not an H -- and this saves you a pricey divorce retainer and a divorce.
See an attorney, though, to get child support settled.
He is bad news. The sooner he is gone the better off you will be.
I'm having trouble reading the giant wall of text but did skim.
She is not the one with no respect for your relationship, he is. You have to search his phone sometimes because he lies? You have to call the other woman behind his back and tell HER not to see HIM because you can't just have that relationship with him. This is utterly pathetic and it makes me sad that this is the relationship you're modeling for your child. Have some self respect and find a real man.
There is nothing wrong with poeple of the opposite sex having friendships but this was obviously not the intention here. From the tone of your message it appears that the issue is that you don't trust him and with good reason.
This girl does not owe you anything and the immature behavior was on you contacting her as opposed to speaking with him about this. Stop blaming her for the issues in your relationship - she is not a part of it.
For the record - is he worth all this work? To keep tabs on someone, snoop through their email, check their bills for discrepancies and peruse their texts sounds like ALOT of work...I don't have that kind of time on my hands. It sounds depressing.
Your relationship will not improve if you don't work on your trust issues - counseling, communication, therapy - however you choose to do it. Just focus on the real issues here instead of making excuses for this guy's actions.
Although I understand that it may have been immature to call her and *** her out, I did not do that. I called her and asked her what sort of impression she was getting as it seemed she thought that there could be more. I was very adult about the entire ordeal if you ask me, I handled it better than most would have considering. Never once did I raise my voice to either of them and I just expressed my feelings about it. If I spoke to him about it I really don't believe that if he was doing anything he would be like "oh yeah, I want to sleep with this girl". Most cheaters don't come right out and say what they are doing if they can find a way to cover it up. My issue with her is this: she knew about me, in fact even said that me and the kids are all he ever talks about and SHE is the one that told him that they should "get together". Which makes her an issue because she is looking to start something, if it was not started previously. So yes, I am angry with her for attempting to hang out with him but I am angry with him too for not sticking up for our relationship. I think both are pretty reasonable sentiments...
You have to leave him for your own sanity.
Do you know that sick feeling in your stomach that makes you check his phone and email? That isn't supposed to happen. I know, because I was in a relationship like this. The fact that you check is phone and see things that make you upset is completely and utterly wrong.
A relationship should always make you feel safe, secure, and loved completely. It shouldn't make you want to check his phone bill to see what numbers he is calling because you know he deletes them.
Even the fact that you reached out for help shows that you know something is wrong. I know it would be very difficult because you have children, but they will be much better off when you find someone worth your love and attention.