Relationships
AnthaMayfair
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
location conflict.
It's pretty simple. I hate living in New York and want to go back to the West Coast (where I am from) ; his job is fixed in New York and he loves it here and really only wants to be in Manhattan.
I love my marriage, I hate my current location and job. I have been here for 4 years and despite my best efforts, cannot seem to love this place.
We have discussed the possibility of being bi-coastal, and I am looking for job opportunities.
I guess I am posting to see if anyone else has ever been through this. What was it like? Any tips or ideas?
thank you in advance.
Re: location conflict.
I fly back and forth between San Francisco and Portland OR for work and to see DH, and find that pretty difficult, even though it's only a 90 minute flight, and it's only a 15 month contract.
I think you guys need to have some serious discussions about how often you would each travel, how you're going to handle the expense of two households and a bunch of coast-to-coast flights, how much you want to plan to talk on the phone, etc.
Do you plan for this to be forever? How do you feel about never having a live-in spouse relationship again? How does he feel about that?
Do you want to have children?
My best advice is to talk it all out in advance so you both know as much as possible what to expect. You don't want to be fighting over how often to talk on the phone on the phone. You don't want to find out after you move that he expects you to be the one doing most of the flying back and forth for some reason. Etc.
I empathize. My H loves Seattle and has dreamed of living here since he was a kid (he grew up in AK). I hate the weather here; it's July and not even 70 degrees. Plus it rains for 9 months of the year. Ugh. Plus I've had a terrible time finding a full time job.
I do know that we'd never do a long distance marriage. We were long distance for a year and 2 months before we married and it was hard. I agree with the previous poster. Have a serious discussion about the implications living apart would have/bring. Figure out your future plans/goals and how they'd fit in. Find a compromise so you can both be happy. GL.
I know what you mean. I am in the same situation with my husband where we live on the west coast but I'm dying to move back to the east coast where I'm from. Neither of our jobs are very fixed. We could end or lose them at any time. He is not from where we are living and I would like to be close to my family and raise our kids here when we have them.
I don't really have any tips except to just tell him your reasons. I need to bring up the child/family factor with him. I just think living near my family would be better for us and that St. John's would be a better city to raise our kids in than the one we live in currently.
We're going through similar- the places where he wants to live and where I want to live aren't on opposite coasts, but the distance is substantial. When we got married, I moved to my husband's preferred place and have, like you, really tried to love it, and, like you, five years in I really don't.
What has helped us the most has been to be honest about priorities. There's nothing inherently "wrong" or "better" about prioritizing being near a job you love over being a 15 min. drive from family, or prioritizing being on the coast over being in a city. It's just what you prioritize, and having it all on the table makes it easier to figure out what works for the two of you. If you look at both of your priorities and being bi-coastal is what works best, then that's what works best.
The other thing I'd say is, making incremental small changes before deciding on a big change is worthwhile too. My husband and I are thinking seriously of moving, but in all likelihood, the soonest we could actually accomplish it would be in the next year. The level of unhappy I was couldn't wait a year, so I ditched the job, stepped up my social life, and put some more work into our house. This still isn't where I want to live and I still want to move, but I'm happier than I was, and that helps me think a little more clearly about relocating and timelines and making the decision that's best for us, instead of making any decision that alleviates my unhappiness.
Good luck!
I got divorced for this exact reason from my first H. We were together for 5 years got married then a yr into our marriage he decided his one and only dream was to live in HI. I didn't want to get divorced bc of location so we sold our house, I quit my amazing job and we shipped our dogs and every belonging to HI and bought a house there. I lived there for 2 years and was truly miserable. I feel like i gave it every try I could and it got to the point where I would wake up and just not even want to face the day. I tried and tried to talk to my ExH about i and when he refused to EVER consider leaving, I left that day and moved back to CA with 2 suitcases. I have never regretted it. To me if someone who was supposed to be my partner in everything saw i really tried and wouldn't even consider another option, we had much bigger issues.
If he is willing to at least try something else, I would try everything you could before giving up. But you cant live your life truly unhappy with everything but your relationship.