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I've got the MIL blues... help!
I've had issues with my MIL from Day 1, and I hope you all can help.
There have been many other bumps along the road, including me catching his mom going through my closet looking at the sizes of my clothing... weird. We eloped for many reasons, (the biggest one money) but also because she doesn't approve of the marriage. She burst into tears and had a panic attack when we told her we were engaged. Hubby and I both know she has her own issues.
The latest thing that has happened involves hubby's friends. Since we eloped, he never had a bachelor party. One of his more immature and inconsiderate friends decided to throw him a bachelor party in Vegas... 4 weeks before I'm set to give birth. While I'm not at all against him having a party and seeing his out of town friends, the timing just could not get worse. We recently moved to Texas and I know about 3 people here.... if anything happened while I was about to give birth... well let's just say hubby could stay in Vegas 
Hubby didn't even consider the party and quickly told his friends to grow up. Recently, he mentioned the party to his mom.
Yesterday, we got a card in the mail that was addressed just to him from his mom. It was a blank cad with no writing on it, with a sealed note with his name on it inside. Inside was a detailed note about how he SHOULD go to Vegas while I'm 8.5 months pregnant and that I shouldn't "control him and and everything he does". He was furious and immediately told her to not meddle in his life, he's an adult, there's not way I'm going to be "that guy", etc.
Obviously, the mature thing to do would be to put on a brave face and smile and be a wonderful hostess when they fly to visit us in 20 days. I just don't know how to deal with this woman! How do you all deal with crazy mother in laws!? And please tell I'm not crazy for not forcing my hubby to go to Vegas when I'm about to pop.
Re: I've got the MIL blues... help!
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think I just broke out in hives reading "for 20 days"... it's only for 4 days but in about 3 weeks. Small miracles!
Not to sound naive, but if he were your husband, what would you tell him to do to stand up to her? Threaten her? Stop answering her calls/texts? Tell her she won't be able to meet her grandson? Both my husband and I are new to married life and still navigating the waters a bit.
Say thank you for nice things and be sure to recognize them, but don't cower from the issues that bother you and be sure you and your husband are standing your ground together. "Hey that was a really nice card and gift, I very much appreciated it." and "Why would you say something like that, it really hurt my feelings."
Honestly though, I feel like something is missing her, as there aren't a lot of items listed to base a true opinion on from the outside looking in. Sounds like a typical MIL getting used to the fact that her son is now married, and not wanting him to have to "give up" his life. He sounds like a good DH though, and is understanding that it's not giving up, it's trading for new, i.e. drinking with friends in Vegas vs. spending time before baby arrives.
Ooops. Reading comprehension on my part. 4 days isn't nearly as bad! Sorry. In re-reading everything and your updates - I'd probably put up w/ a 4 day visit too. WHen I thought it was 20, that's INSANE for someone you have issues with. But 4 days is manageable. At least based on what you wrote about your MIL.
O.k. - a few things as how to create boundaries -
To her going through your closet, that's absolutely a "if you ever snoop through our things again, you will not be welcome in our house" situation in my book.
The party - DH did tell her about it, so a part of this is HIM learning what to tell his mom and what not to tell her. But her sending that note? I actually think he handled that in a good way - he told her to back off.
All in all, I do agree w/ the other poster - some of this might be her simply getting used to the idea that her son is grown up and married, and I'm sure that he moved away is playing a role in this too.
I think moving forward, though, when she gets pissy and if she blames you for anything, your DH needs to speak up and remind her that HE is a grown man capable of making decisions for himself. This isn't about you controlling him and he actually finds that insulting.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I think you and H sound like you're both on the same page with being aware that sometimes your MIL does things that are inappropriate, and with the party situation he took the lead on his own to tell her she couldn't meddle and why. I think going forward, the key is to continue thanking/ appreciating the good things she does while drawing appropriate boundaries when she oversteps.
I'm lucky to have very good ILs, but I've worked with/ for people who would do some things that were unstable/ inappropriate, but would also do some things that were very nice and appreciated. Something that helped me was to focus on responding to just the moment or incident at hand- when I tried to wrap my head around how someone could do something so nice one minute and so off the wall the next, I would just get confused and not respond well to either incident, because I was trying to balance the nice vs. the not nice. It helped when I adopted the ability to focus solely on responding to what was going on right then- thanking and appreciating sincerely the nice things, drawing a firm "Please don't do x" boundary for the problems- and then emotionally, letting it go, because it had already been responded to.
That said, if any kind of recurring theme pops up- she snoops whenever she's in your home; or she bursts into tears and panics whenever you share "big" news, like marriage/ moving/ pregnancy/ new job- then you take that and calmly discuss with your husband that you need to consider how to handle a similar situation in light of the way she tends to respond. I.e.: "The last two visits, we had to speak to MIL six times about not looking in our closets and drawers. For this next visit, I think we should consider asking or paying for them to stay in a hotel, because she has this habit of looking through our things."
I get that the overly dramatic gesture of mailing a card and sealing a long note inside seems to necessitate some response by you. It doesn't. He declined her advice. There really isn't anything left to talk about.
As for the visit. This is a stressful time already. You don't like her, she doesn't like you. If you're doing this to be nice b/c they are grandparents, realize that this is something that will be hard. And it takes 2 people to argue. She gets more out of a rift than you do.
No one would fault you for leaving most of the entertaining to your husband and to simply leave the room when stressed. If you find yourself locked in bind with the MIL, simple call over to your DH with something like "DH, could you come talk to your mom? I have to take the baby now. Thanks." Leave. Repeat as necessary.