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How do you start over?
My husband and I have been married a little over a year and things have gotten really bad between us. I feel like he doesn't think about us in his decision making. He doesn't think about the family.
I have a daughter from a previous relationship and from the very beginning I made it clear that if he wanted to be with me he had to accept her. We were a package deal. He accepted and wanted to marry me. Well I got pregnant a couple of months before the wedding. At this point, I kept asking if he was sure he could handle all this at once. He has a step-child he had to get to know and develop a relationship with, nurture a marriage, and deal with a new baby. He said with conviction that he was ready and would work on doing better before the baby came. He even claimed that he wouldn't drink while I was pregnant. I believed him because he was going to be my husband. I had faith in him. We got married and for awhile everything was fine. It wasn't until the end of my pregnancy that things started getting stressful. He hadn't stopped drinking which didn't bother me at first, but then I noticed he was drinking every night heavily. I asked if he could stop or at least slow down because he can't do that when the baby comes. How are you going to hear the baby if you're passed out drunk. He claims I'll stop when the baby gets here. Baby comes home. Nothing changes which is even more frustrating because I have t get up every 2 hours with the baby because he's passed out and can't hear her. I talked to him about it. He says he'll try to work on it. He does the same thing with working out. He claimed he was going to work out with me after the baby and he flaked on almost every workout. Now at this point I'm annoyed but not feeling like there's anything serious. It's just like do what you say. (The drinking did worry me still but that's whole other story) So he decides he wants to buy a house. So now we're house hunting. Its about 10 months into the marriage. Baby is about 3 months. He asked me to go on his gmail and look for something that our realtor sent him and as I'm looking I see the list of emails that he's recently sent emails to. Some of them are Craigslist emails, so are click on them to pull up the email. He sent an email to some chick describing how he looks and was trying to set something up on his way into work. I confront him. He claimed that it was only one time. Nothing happened. I believed him that nothing happened but now the question was why did you do it. He doesn't kno. I don't buy it for one second. I'm overly hurt because I was in this same situation with an ex but he really did do something. I had shared this wit my husband so for him to do the same exact thing was not only disrespecting our marriage but disrespecting my personal feelings. Well a few days later I found different emails. Come to find out he had been emailing girls for months and some even had pictures of his private parts. When I ask why again he says its because the people at work give him grief about being married but he doesn't want to cheat. He thought it was a happy medium. He also felt like we were arguing too much and things were stressful. I understood where his feelings were coming from but why was his reaction that? He must have wanted to gain something from those emails. I'm hurt, betrayed and just confused. At this point I suggest counseling because I feel if he did this after one baby what happens when he have the next one? He never said he didn't want to do it but he isn't pushing for it either. We were doing some things to actively reconnect and fill each other's love tanks but when we went into escrow everything stopped. We'll work on it after we move. 45 days later nothing has changed but he's forgotten about the entire incident. He doesn't understand why I get so upset when he doesn't actively spend time with me especially after I ask several times. He basically used the time to forget everything. I actually suggested we not get a house because I knew it was going to more strain. He didn't want to do it. He wanted to buy a house.
The ultimate icing on the cake was when he decided that he wasn't going to a wedding that our daughter was in because his friends wanted to come over. When asked if they could come by the following day, he threw a tantrum. Now he knew about the wedding for months because we had been talking about it. My daughter was in the wedding for crying out loud. He tried to say that I just don't want him hanging with his friends and he never gets to see them. Now we have had many discussions about him hanging with his friends. I've told him to go see them. I even suggested he hang with them on Father's Day. He never does it. The second they call to come out he totally forgets any other obligation we already had. They could have came the next day but he didn't want to. Yet I always go with him with a smile on my face to visit his family even if I didn't feel like it or had something else to do.
Because everything has kinda piled up and nothing has been resolved. Not even minor problems. I just don't know what to do. He does things when its just us but when other people come around everything that we discuss goes out the window. He claims that he's trying but I don't see it. After the whole emailing incident, my first instinct was to leave. Not divorce or anything but leave the situation so I can think. I know every marriage has its ups and downs and its a constant battle but right now I just want lick my wounds so I can fight a little better because right now I feel like I can't move on because I'm just angry. He still doesn't get the severity. He answer to the emailing was I'll just stop. I'm like but why did you think it was appropriate to send naked pics of yourself to random females.
Sorry its so long and I ranted a little. I'm just hurt and it hurts more because he doesn't understand. He doesn't see what he's doing. I feel like he got in over his head and we moved way too fast. We only dated for about 6 months before we got married. We knew each other in high school though. So now the question. How do we start over when we're in so deep? I don't feel like I made a mistake marrying him. I just feel like we got married too soon.
Re: How do you start over?
Don't EVER stay with an addict. They change or they're replaced. Simple as that. If he can't change his addict-like ways, he cannot support a relationship or a family and it will only lead to more problems in the long run.
I had a step-dad that was an alcoholic... make that two-step-dads that were... and let me tell you, you cannot have a relationship with an alcoholic, and this is even more true if this is your father. A child will always know that a man that drinks is a worthless do-nothing. There are VERY few exceptions.
Your baby is developing very rapidly, and who that little person will grow up to be all depends on the emotions it is exposed to in the first two years. Babies need a happy family to be a happy person later on in life. Science has proven that they have raw emotions and they develop strong connections with their parents especially mothers, and they can sense the smallest amount of conflict. If need be take to baby to a relatives and then move out. DO NOT take the baby with you as "protection" from the man. Worst. Mistake. Ever. You need to be happy so the baby can be happy. And if your husband can't do this for you, you need to get out until he can.
This man sounds selfish and inconsiderate. Pretty much the worst two things a man can be when he "wants" to have a family.
You have to perfect the relationship to the way you see fit. If the problem in the relationship is the man he has to change. If a man won't do that for you, then he is not the one. People often think changing a man is wrong, but I believe that is wrong only if you are trying to change his personality or looks. A man's habits can change and he can stay the same. Sometimes people don't "fit" in every way. Relationships take time and work.
He is drinking because he is stressed with his new responsibilities to you and the family. His life isn't over, it's just beginning. If he doesn't see that he should get the can. He is messaging other women because deep down he probably knows he isn't good enough nor ready enough to start a family. He most likely has psychological issues.
Let me stress this. You do not need relationship counseling, HE needs counseling. Again, if he is not willing to better himself to therefore better the relationship he does not care about you.
Getting someone you love to understand this is difficult. I don't suggest ultimatums, but most likely your efforts will come down to giving him one. It may be best for you to explain how his behaviors affect you and what you expect him to do to make the changes. Be VERY clear and straightforward. Another suggestion is to run away, but productively. Perhaps there is a friend that needs you or family member? A couple of weeks taking care of the family on his own and with little communication or help from you just might be the medication he needs to respect you. Last chance to keep the relationship together will most likely be an ultimatum. Going to counseling and an addiction class might be the best. You can't lie to a therapist... oh yeah... make sure she is female! Once she tells him how fucked up he is you will look like a saint! **BONUS**
I'm glad you understand that the relationship isn't the problem, but most likely the marriage. For a man who isn't ready, it can bee so life changing in a way they weren't expecting that they may become someone else.
FULL DISCLOSURE: I'm no psychologist, I don't know your full situation. I'm quick to offer my opinions as well as kick a man to the curb...
The second you found out he was an alcoholic you should have run like hell. And taken your kiddo with you.
What I also find disturbing: you said that you got pregnant right before the wedding and he also had to work on getting to know your daughter. "Getting to know"? I am hoping you mean that as in it's an ongoing process and not that he didn't know her at all.
When there is a child involved, you need to go slowly. I don't know how soon after you met that you decided to get married but the time frame of the whole process should have been slowed down. To me, a bf/gf doesn't meet your kids until it's at least 8 months into the dating relationship; kids have attachment issues, plus you want to make sure that the person you're dating has staying power.
And after he's met the kiddo at the 8 month mark, you go even more slowly from there. I'd say looking at a 3 year time frame is realistic and smart. And when those 3 years are up, you evaluate how he's handled things and if it warrants, get married.
You probably moved much much too fast --- remember, your relationship is developing, also.
I am guessing that he was never ready for marriage, not even to a woman with no kids at all -- he is a failure for marriage, based on the fact he's a drunk. You don't date drunks and you do not marry one.
That said:
End this marriage.
See an attorney and look into having this marriage annulled in a civil court. He's a drunk -- that is grounds for annullment -- it is an addiction --- and there's also adultery and who knows what else that's involved.
Life with a drunk is no life at all -- not for you and not for your children --- and what's horrible too is that the youngest one also has addictive tendencies that were inherited, thanks to dear old dad.
Get yourself and your kids away from this loser. He needs AA and possibly rehab and you need AlAnon -- wow, are you ever in denial. GL.
PS: and there is a third kid coming into this picture. WHYYY did you get pregnant, knowing your marriage was shaky and you had problems up the yitz, thanks to this drunk and adulterer???
Attorney and an annulment. Get the eff away from this drunk ASAP.
And get tested.
No decent and happily married man sends photos of his privates to anybody at all --- doing this for gratification? No, he's doing this to CHEAT. And if he hasn't done it already, he is thinking of it. THis is a deal breaker in itself, even if he's as sober as the proverbial judge.
Leave him.
THe PP is partially right:
He is drinking because he is stressed with his new responsibilities to you and the family. His life isn't over, it's just beginning. If he doesn't see that he should get the can. He is messaging other women because deep down he probably knows he isn't good enough nor ready enough to start a family. He most likely has psychological issues.
I say he's been a drunk before he met the OP.
The OP can confirm this -- and no matter what the reason he is drinking:
Who the eff NEEDS a drunk???
Leave him.
He's messaging other women because he CAN...and also because he was never ready for a lifelong committment.
The whole pregnancy/infant with an alcoholic worked so well last time you're trying it again?!
Moving, on: DTMF. He's a man-child who doesn't want responsibilities. Do you really want to raise 4 children (your 3 and him)? He's telling you in every way that he doesn't want to be in a marriage with you. If he was at least willing to try AA and take responsibility of things in your house I'd say differently. He's not.
I'm so sorry.
There are two options:
1. couples counseling and 100% abstinence on his alcohol use
2. either he leaves the house or you do
Do not under any circumstances have another baby with him! He is an alcoholic and he's making excuses to drink and to cheat on you. It's harsh but it's the truth.
You can't ever really start over. There may always be trust issues. But the best step would be counseling.
Your husband hasn't been working to fix the problems you're having because he doesn't want to--alcoholics never discuss problems. They live with a "don't talk about it" mentality.
Ultimately he still wants to be a single man, hence the Craigslisting and e-mails to other women. He probably only wanted to buy the house because he thought it would make you happy and it would fulfill his husband duty to you. A lot of men have a mentality that says "If I take care of my wife's material needs I'm fulfilling all of my duty to her, and what else could a woman want besides a house?" The house gets him off the hook for your emotional and relational needs.
The other women are right--if he's doesn't want help, nothing you can do will fix it. Marriage is a two person thing. I would never advocate divorce except in the case of abuse, so give him a chance, but if he knows his life with you and your family together is at stake and he does nothing, well, you know what you married, and it's up to you to decide how much you're willing to put up with. Try counseling or therapy. I'd also recommend going with your kids to a church or something--you may find some support and your kids will have some good influences.
I really hope you two can get into counseling and that he realizes his wife and family are amazing and worth working for.
You know as crazy as it may sound but I never looked at him as an alcoholic. Yea I saw a problem but it didn't process in my brain like that. He has slowed down but he still drinks everyday. He always has and I never thought much of it because my own dad drinks everyday. He doesn't get drunk every day but drinks. I will bring it up and maybe he'll get help.
Thank you for all the advice. It makes me feel better that I'm not crazy and just seeing things. I'm gonna try to push counseling for us and him. I'm not ready to throw in the towel but like everyone said if he's not willing to his share then I have a decision to make.
I am so sorry to hear about your problems and I really hope your husband goes and gets some help. But remember he has to do it because he wants to change, until he sees he has a problem counseling will not help. Trust me I was married to an alcoholic for almost 10 years and he would change for me and the kids for a while but he always reverted back to drinking. I would say if your husband doesn't go and get counseling you should go for yourself and your children. AA has wonderful programs for spouses of alcholics that help you understand their behavior. I wish you all the best.
YOu didn't see him as a drunk?
Nobody in denial sees the alcoholic as a drunk.
YOu're a fool to stay with him -- he needs AA and a sponsor and possibly rehab, not just counseling.
YOu've had enough. stay with this guy and he'll bankrupt your savings and whatever little is left of your self esteem.