Relationships
tamararachel2
member
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
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Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How much is too much?
I've asked a few people I know this question, but it still sticks in my head...how much should you really know about your SO's past? My ex-husband and I knew just about everything...we knew how many people each other had slept with, who each other's firsts were and even how we felt about it. We started asking each other these questions after our first year together. Even my first boyfriend after my ex and I split up, we had our past out in the open. Our pasts were pretty similar and there was no judgement there. Now I'm engaged to the most amazing guy I've ever met, but he wants to keep our pasts in the past. We know enough about each other's past to know the gist of things and seeing how he's reacted to things, I know that a lot of things in my past he would be upset over. However, I know more about his than he thinks I know. When I started staying over at his place over a year ago, he didn't exactly do a good job of completely getting rid of past ex's and hook-ups information or whatever you want to call it. I have asked some questions and he gets really upset with me and when I ask why he gets upset he says it's because he was a different person then and that he wasn't necessarily a bad guy, but that he just didn't treat girls the right way and that he doesn't want me to know that side of him. I respect that and all, but I'm just curious as to how much is too much? Should I know how many girls he's slept with? I really don't want him to know my # so I don't ask because that's a question that gets reciprocated. I feel like if I'm going to marry the guy (and we're expecting) I should know everything, but then again I feel like I should look at my last marriage and see that that didn't exactly work out. So what's other people's take on this?
Re: How much is too much?
My husband and I shared everything. We both want to share everything and neither of us really care to hide anything. We see it as that part of our lives is over..we grew from whatever it was..and we want to share that. And what is cool about memories is current experiences will bring up memories that I never told my husband because I forgot about them. So even though we are married he still gets to learn things about me. For us it keeps it fun and interesting. In my opinion it's part of communicating.
At the same time my take is that every couple should just do what works for them. Some people truly believe that their past has nothing to do with who they are now so they don't feel the need to share as much.
I know who my husband's first was, and I know about each of his "serious" girlfriends from his past. But I don't know how many women he slept with in the past. When we talked about it he said that made him uncomfortable and I respect his right to keep that information to himself. Although I am a curious person that is information I don't need to know.
He came to me disease free and he shared with me the information he felt comfortable sharing. That worked for me.
If I were in your situation I don't think I'd want to know everything. Leave it be. He tells you what he's comfortable telling you. If you trust him, put a period and move on.
I know basic information about H's more serious exes. He knows little about mine. Neither of us hide information, and would both be honest if asked about it, but it's just not a big deal for us to know I guess. It's probably different for everyone though.
If you are uncomfortable giving him full disclosure, and it sounds like he doesn't want to tell either, I see no harm in letting it be.
This is us too. We know basics but felt no need to discuss specifics. If he asked, I'd tell him whatever he wants to know. But I felt no need to throw it all at him like a disclaimer.
I think it's fair to want to know some stuff but at what point is it snooping? I'm guessing that there's some stuff you're curious about but he should also be able to veto some stuff based on the fact that you trust him. If something comes up that directly affects your health, safety or well-being he should be absolutely willing to share - don't get me wrong. But at the same time, if it's just your curiosity getting the best of you then leave it alone.
It also depends on what you want to know...is he disease free? He should share. How many women has he slept with? Let it go.
Give him some space to have some level of privacy; it's exciting to learn about our partners but badgering him and making him uncomfortable isn't going to improve your relationship.