Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Not sure where to ask this...
Hi so I saw a few somewhat similar posts so here I go. I am about to be married I'm 30 my fianc? is 39. My clock is not only ticking now the alarm has been going off lol! my fianc? says he wants children but when he says it, it's like he's seen a ghost. He says the thought absolutely terrifies him! He lets me know it's not enough terror to keep him from having children but he really makes this fear be known loud and clear.My question is just out of curiosity how many of your husbands were absolutely thrilled at the idea of starting a family and how many were like mine? Should I expect that any man would jump up and down with joy at the idea of having a child lol?!! or should I just expect to drag him kicking and screaming all the way to the delivery room? lol! I just want to make sure I give him the time he needs to mentally prepare but I don't ever expect him to come to ME and say "ok let's have a baby". Or should I expect that and wait for that moment?
Re: Not sure where to ask this...
Sorry, but I would put some real pressure on him to get to the bottom of it.
I'd ask him if he really does want to have a child, if so, when does he see "us" as having one? Then I would also ask him if he would prefer not to have any children, but doesn't really want to admit that because he could potentially lose me?
And what on earth "terrifies" him about having children? Depending on what his issues are, you might have to consider he's not going to have children. He may not have any interest in raising kids, and maybe that "terrifies" him.
My husband was also terrified to have children. It's normal. I agree with was Zoey said. We ladies become moms right when we find out we are pregnant, while it takes men much longer. My husband and I recently started trying, and he still purposely leads me away from the baby swings and bouncers while we are our shopping, especially at our Target where the baby stuff is across the aisle from the men's clothing.
I would also get to the bottom of his worries. Is he worried that he won't be a responsible dad, does he worry that he will loose himself when everything changes, does he worry that he will accidently hurt the baby... just find out why babies terrify him.
And just remember, are any couples really really 100% percent ready when they find out they are expecting. Most couples I know aren't. Luckily, we have 8 months after finding out that we are expecting to get ourselves (and our husbands) ready.
Maybe once you do get pregnant, and he sees the sonogram it will hit him and he'll become less terrified.
Don't hold your breath.
My ExH told me for years he wanted kids. When we finally had a serious "talk" about me getting off BCP he told me he didn't want kids and never wanted them (WTF??) I was crushed as I always wanted kids. He eventually agreed and we were pg within 3 months of TTC. When I told him we were pg he cried. He still did not want a child! I would have never married this man if I knew this about him not wanting kids!
During my pregnancy ExH spent every dime on himself that we had and went into a selfish mid-life crisis (He is 7 years OLDER and in his late 30's). He was no help at all during my pregnancy and eventually walked out of his job to sit at home and play on youtube all day while I looked for him a job.
After DD was born, she pretty much was mine and he hardly wanted to spend time with her. If it didnt benefit HIM why should he bother? He only put on the "I'm a great daddy!" when we would go out in public and to his families house.
So for all of DD's life from pregnancy up until the day I left him I had been a single mom and continued to do so until I reconnected with my now-fiance.
This situation may not happen to you - but please communicate and look at the big picture! If kids is a MUST in your life and he does not want them, rethink your engagement.
My ExH does not see DD and does not pay child support and to this day has no job that I am aware of. I'm hoping to get a lawyer soon after child support serves him so I can try to get his parental rights revoked. After 9 years of being with my ExH I sure did learn a lot...I married a "winner". WTH was I thinking??
Good luck and I wish the best for ya!
Should I expect that any man would jump up and down with joy at the idea of having a child lol?!! or should I just expect to drag him kicking and screaming all the way to the delivery room?
I think you should expect a normal "yes, I want kids" response w/o there be drama on either end of the spectrum.
HOnestly, at the age of 39, if he really can't say "Yes, I want kids" w/o looking like he saw a ghost, then he probably really doesn't WANT kids.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
H and I both want children. A few months after we got married we had a pregnancy scare (AF is crazy and likes to screw with me). We were both terrified! I cried. It was bad. This past May AF was super late because again it likes to screw with me and we both were okay. Not thrilled, but it would've worked out and we would've been just fine.
My point is, it sounds like he is not ready yet. At 39 years old maybe there's something holding him back that you and he could talk about together. Maybe he could see a counselor if he thinks it could help. Or maybe he's never going to be ready, but wants to be/keep you so he says he is ready. Communicate.
"Normal" is on both sides of the spectrum, and everything in between- my husband has always wanted to have kids, and has been prepared for years. We started trying when I was 28 and he was 26.
I hate it when people generalize about men and assume that they all are afraid to have/ not enthusiastic about having children. Does every woman want kids? No. It's ignorant to judge all of a specific group by your own experiences.
OP, it really sounds like your man doesn't want them. You'll want to have a serious talk and decide where to draw your line.
I don't think you all are on the same page about this and I think you are glossing over it. We do not have kids but several of our friends do and for all of them, it was a mutual decision that both people were excited about. For most of them, caring for a child has put a big strain on their marriage in terms of time and energy to devote to one another and quibbling over money or household responsibilities. I would not have a child and make that sort of commitment unless both parties were fully on board and excited. Otherwise you might be stuck doing all the work with someone who is very resentful.
it sounds like you're in such a rush to satisfy your biological clock that you aren't truly considering what your partner wants or the health of your relationship.
Update: Had a wonderful converstion with FH last night about this issue. Im so glad that I did. I think at first we just really had trouble communicating on this issue! We were not speaking the same language. He really eased my mind and let me know that we share the same goals for our future and he knows what I want (since i voice my opinion so much ha) and if he didnt want the same things too he would have never asked me to marry him. He mentioned something that really grabbed my attention. Some of you mentioned that women become mothers much sooner and it takes men actually holding their child to realize "oh hey Im a daddy!" He said " I dont see how you get so excited about something that isnt even here yet" Which really made me realize he's just one of those men that can't process it all yet and needs to take things one step at a time. I wanted to thank every one for their reply. Your responses really helped me collect my own thoughts! We're now on the same page and both realize we need to work together to prepare ourselves for a family soon!
I'm glad your talk went well!
My husband was terrified at the thought of kids. He knew he wanted them. But when it came time to actually do it, he dragged his feet. He sort of existed in a state of denial the whole time we were TTC and it actually lasted up through the first half of my pregnancy. Then we found out we were having a boy and the baby started kicking enough that DH could feel it and it started to become real to him. He was the first person to hold and feed our son and the two of them have been glued at the hip ever since. So just because he's scared doesn't mean he won't be great dad when the time comes!
I had to have this talk with my H before we got engaged. He was very terrified of the idea of having kids. His main reason was because his parents are divorced and his Dad wasn't much in his life when he was young. He is afraid of doing the same thing to his kids and wanted to be sure we were secure in our relationship.
It also helped with us that he got to see our friends have kids first. We volunteered to babysit and that made a big difference to him. He saw how I was with kids, which was a relief to him and he got to have some experience with kids.
We are TTC in August and it is a decision we both came to, though I will admit it was me that initiated the conversation. But he does often bring up the topic of potential baby names which tells me he's thinking it more than he lets on.