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no longer wish to be married.....
I'm sure I am not the only one who has posted something like this...but I just can't take it anymore....I have only been married for 9 months and I suddenly don't want to be married anymore...I don't know what has brought this on...I have talked to the hubby about my feelings and now I just feel guilty....I cant leave now because he gets all sad on me...I'm just all confused now and then I feel like I need to just stay because I don't want to be looked at as the girl who married too young and is now divorced...I really want to make it work but I don't want to stay so long that we end up having a kid and then I have to stay for the kid....This is just so hard....I sure hope you guys can help me...But this is how our relationship started....
It's almost the end of 07 and I just got out of a relationship with the man I thought was the love of my life....and I started talking to my now hubby and by new years rolls around I'm in another relationship....we were together awhile before he proposed...that happened in 2010.....September 2011 we got married...and I was happy...so I thought.....but now I don't know what happened....I don't know if it's the pressure of being a newlywed and seeing all my married friends happy and preggers or what? But this is just so stressful for me...I don't want to hurt him but I don't want to go through this marriage as like a zombie.....and I definitely don't want to bring kids into the mix as much as I want to...Please help me sort through these crazy feelings.......
Re: no longer wish to be married.....
It is very very difficult to tell what could be happening here.
Maybe it's a simple matter of you and your friends being at different stages of your lives. They are ready for kids; you and your H are not.
And don't think their marriages and relationships with their kids are perfect and problem free; impossible; all couples and families have their issues and problems and other troubles. This is normal.
Maybe you've read too many things about newlyweds and how everybody's off humping like rabbits and life is nothing but perfect and wonderful (the first year isn't like that at all. Everybody is different; bear that in mind and do not believe what you hear or read)
I don't know how long you were involved with the other guy or if you got closure for the relationship ending -- a lot of times you don't; many of us have had relationships end out of nowhere (guy never called/dated you again; he took off and he was never heard from again, etc -- it happens) or if you simply got involved too soon with dating again.
This is why I advocate taking a good long while of a moratorium from dating if you were in a very long term relationship and it ended.
Jumping into something too soon makes you too vulnerable to making mistakes and maybe dating the wrong guy.
It is way too early in yoru marriage for kiddoes. Marriages need legs to stand on; 2 or 3 years into a marriage would be ideal.
Maybe you and he have also hit some kind of marital rut.
These are only my guesses. It's very difficult to tell what is in the mix here that is causing you to feel this way.
What I suggest:
See a counselor or social worker on your own. Tell this person what you told us -- get it off your chest and see what kind of input the counselor/social worker can give you.
Let us know what happens. What you are feeling can be temoporary or maybe not; again, it is very hard to tell. GL.
thanks for that...i would go see a counselor but after an experience I had when I was younger I do not wish to go back...and me and my ex were together for like 2 years...he was a marine so that was hard just in general...I finally got an answer from him this year why things ended and it still didn't bring closure... now that he's out I wonder what would have happened had I not hung up on him because he did dump me over the phone...bastard...but oh well....and I haven't really read anything about marriages being perfect the first year in fact the complete opposite...and I think I did get involved too soon but I'm like my sister...we do not like to be alone....I had a fling before I met my now H but of course that did not last long...and I've noticed when I drink my emotions are so much stronger but I've been an emotional wreck since high school...and I'm only 23 to put this out there.....and I'm old fashioned so I don't believe in divorce but I have these urges to cheat and I want to act on them because that will only make things worse so I don't.....I'm hoping to re talk to the H and see if I can get somewhere this time..He thinks just by moving back to my home town where my family is will make me happy...and it will to some extent......but after that its like a big ole mystery as to what will happen....
It honestly sounds like you don't know how to be happy alone, so adding someone else in the mix isn't going to magically make you happy.
Take some time to yourself to figure out you. Why do you hate being alone? Do you really miss your ex or the feeling of being not 100% commited to someone for life? I feel like all of this needs to be sorted out before you look at getting out of your marriage.
They say young people shouldn't get married because they're not fully sure of who they are and what they really want out of life and out of a partner. This may have just been the case, but maybe if you sort through this now, you'll find that your husband can play a supportive role and really help you.
I hope it all works out (:
I agree that you need counseling. Just because you had one bad experience doesn't mean you couldn't get something out of counseling. I have a good friend who went to counseling as a kid and hated it, resisted going for years even though she needed it, just recently went back and now really enjoys it.
The question is which is worse: going to counseling or spending the rest of your life unhappy b.c. you haven't worked through your ***.
All counselors are not bad.
There are many who are better than others -- shop around.
Make an appointment with a few of them and see who you feel comfortable with and who you click with. THat is important.
You mentioned your feelings are stronger when you drink -- for this reason, you need to avoid alcohol.
Maybe your H and you are in a sexual rut. He's probably the same age as you and generally 23 year old guys aren't very sexually experienced.
Do what you can to spice it up with him -- check out sex manuals together (try the ones for couples that mainstream bookstores sell) -- and communication is KEY.
Talk to him -- tell him that you would find your sex life hotter if you and he did x, y and z.
Hi trisha, I think is hard to even try to advise when I don't know why or how are you feelin? Why do you want to get divorce?
I can only share my experience, I've been married for about a year and a half now, and I was honestly depressed the first year, I gain weight and I felt a huge social pressure above me. Everyone is expecting you to be happy when your newlywed, and I was not, I was depressed and I felt guilty for it.
One day I understood I was mourning because, eventhough I was starting a new and exciting phase in my life, another one just died. Even though I beilieve I made a great choice when I decided to marry my husband, It was hard to me to say goodbye to another part of my life. I spoke about this to my husband and he told me it was OK, is natural. He said he didn't feel like that, it was easy to him to get use to share the bed. But still, he said I didn't have to feel guilty about it.
I honestly feel that once I understood this and I allowed me to be sad and mourn I was able to accept the changes and I am happier now.
You actually mention how you compare your situatio with your friends's marriages, so maybe is the same. I don't know.
This did happen to me. It has nothing to do with your age; DH and I were 29 and 27 when we got married. We had dated for 8 years before we tied the knot in 2009. I thought I knew everything about him. I didn't! By our 9th month of marriage, my husband had developed a strong alcohol dependence. This lead to a very rocky start considering that I am the adult child of an alcoholic. We both sought counseling individually and we still go to couples therapy. He has been sober for a while now. In couples therapy we don't even talk about the drinking now and we barely ever have. What we do talk about is our individual conflicts and lack of communication. Therapy has helped me see just why I married him; he is my best friend.
Every day is not easy. Marriage is not perfect. It takes work to make it work because you are two individuals who are now trying to live under the same roof.
On another note, not every marriage is meant to be. If you feel that this is just not working out, then stop. But I strongly suggest you try going to counseling first. You did marry each other for a reason.
I hope this helps. I hope you see that I am not passing any judgement either.
Good Luck!
I'm glad you're looking into counseling. Just because you married him and you genuinely believed you wanted this doesn't mean you should stay. You should take time, you should talk to the counselor, you should be honest with him, you shouldn't cheat!, but after some time you may really find that staying isn't what you want. You may find it is.
I was <1 year into a marriage before I started feeling really stuck and really unhappy. I love the man (we're still best friends) but not as a marriage partner and father of my future kids. It took a year of soul searching, therapy, and honesty to decide to leave. We're both MUCH happier now and in relationships that make us MUCH happier. That was what I needed. You get to figure out what you need. Good luck.
Hey Trisha, this is long, but I really hope you read this!!
You said something about getting back on antidepressants... Did you go off them? and when?
Depression is such a difficult thing to deal with and taking medication for it is not an easy thing to do. But I think it is soo important. I've struggled with depression since I was 14 and I still struggle with it. I've noticed that it really can affect my relationships with those closest to me and even how I feel about them... If you really are struggling with depression, I think you made a really good choice to see if medication can help you. It's really hard to deal with rough times in a relationship as it is, depression can make things even harder. But you probably already know that.
Obviously, a pill isn't going to fix everything. I just have a few tips for you and they may sound crazy or maybe totally obvious, but at least give them a try.
Marriage isn't about excitement or unpredictability. It's about commitment. When you decided to marry your husband, you married him for a reason, like you said. it was because you love him and you want to share your life with him. You made a vow to be there in sickness and in health, through the good times and the bad. This is just a rough patch.
Marriage isn't perfect. We as individuals are imperfect and in marriage, you're sticking two imperfect people together for life. But the amazing thing about it is you support each other and help each other grow. A happy marriage takes work and effort. Esteem the welfare of your husband as one of your highest priorities. You guys are a team and he is your numero uno in your life. Practice selflessness and thinking less about "what you're getting out of it" and more about what the two of you are getting out of it. Find joy and happiness in making him happy and feel loved. Find little ways to express your love for him. The more your try to express your love and find ways to do little acts of kindness for him, the more your will find the same in return. I promise.
You said you guys rarely see each other. Go on dates together!!!!!! EVERY FRIDAY NIGHT. Friday night is date night, set aside for you and your husband. You need this. Every marriage needs this. Go on dates together, just like you did when you were first dating. Friday night is your time with your husband. This is sooo important. If you can't go out on Friday, whatever, just set aside a day/night where you guys can do some activity together, go out.. just spend quality time together, where you can talk and where you are free from other distractions.
If fidelity, substance/physical/emotional abuse, dishonesty, and all those things aren't going on, then I promise you: you can totally do this. you can do this if you are willing to work for it and work through it. Every marriage has difficulties. That's just how it goes. But you will get through it and be even stronger as a couple for it.
Good luck! I hope all is well for you!