Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
First year growing pains.
Has anyone else found that year one is full of growing pains but then things get better from there? I've always felt like we're a bit strange, the lack of any real "honeymoon" period where we just can't get enough of each other smoothed over by the fact that we had been good friends for so long. But now that we're adding different dynamics to the marriage (he's strongly considering joining the military, I'm finishing up with school and looking to start my career) we're finally breaching a lot of serious conversations that has me wondering if people really talk about these things before they settle down together or if it's just a part of getting used to the other person's wants and needs in a relationship versus a friendship.
My husband, whom I'm extremely proud of, is a paramedic for his "day" job (I use the term loosely because he loves working overnights) but also is a volunteer firefighter as well as a volunteer paramedic with a separate agency apart from his volunteer fire company. Needless to say, coming into this, I knew I fell down the priority list because (well, let's face it) if someone's house is burning down or they're dying I'm pretty sure they need him more than I do. Since we've gotten together he has always worked days, as much as he loves working overnights, because he had other things going on. Now, as his life is settling down more (no more paramedic class, no wedding planning or pre-wedding events) he wants to go back to overnights which will be a huge adjustment for me.
Now, while I knew he liked overnights coming into this, is it okay for me to voice my concerns about the switch to overnights? Or, about anything else I knew was on the table but now am actually experiencing as he becomes more comfortable in our relationship? Sometimes I feel as though I may be a bit off base with feeling slighted or feeling as if my wants are needs don't matter because it was on the table and I shouldn't have an issue with it.
Re: First year growing pains.
Whether your feelings are off base or not, I think it is still important to discuss your feelings with your SO. If you don't, you can easily build up anger or resentment or some other bad feeling (sometimes without even realizing you're doing it) and this can drive a wedge in your relationship. I've found the more open DH and I are with eachother, the happier and more fulfilling relationship we have.
If you knew about these situations being a potential going in, it should have been discussed or thought about before the marriage, but I TOTALLY understand how some situations seem one way and then when they are about to actually happen you can start feeling a little uneasy. Openness and honesty is the best policy. Explain how you feel and WHY and then let him do the same. Just having a conversation helps any situation.
Change can be stressful and it sounds like there is a few major changes that are about to happen in your lives. Just have a discussion. If it somehow gets overly emotional say "let us talk about this in x minutes/ hours. I need to clear my head to have a level mind/ take it in/ logical discussion" or something along those lines. Being emotional is ok. Just when things get to heated it tends to turn into something one sided or an argument which doesn't solve the problem.
Lots of life things you know heading into marriage. Some stuff you don't and you discuss it as it's happening. As PPs said, communication regardless of how you're feeling is fine and necessary.
As his wife, IMO, you should take priority somewhat over his career. When he retires, you'll be there. If he hasn't built up a relationship with you over time, what will you and he have then?
I see that lots of men see marriage and kids as "to-do" list items and once they are done they put that imaginary check mark beside them and move to the next item on the list. They totally forget that the marriage and family thing is on-going, day-by-day.
Many of the men in my life are the driven, put yourself out there, career types who have sought jobs in fields like EMTs, firefighting, pilots, military, etc. Men who go after these jobs tend to have similar personalities. And, they tend to be very goal-oriented.
This is great because it means you and I aren't married to sloths, but the flip side is that they can sometimes get their priorities mixed up, usually without meaning to.
They push forward, blazing ahead and then realize, "Oh yeah. I have a wife. In tow."
You don't want him to feel that you are a "ball and chain." You want to encourage and be supportive, respecting his goals and desires, but you want to be a part of the goals and decisions too. And you want him to acknowledge your goals and desires and also work to help you in them.
I'd write a list of your top 5 goals for the next few years and set a time with him (no TV, quiet, private) to discuss. Ask lots of open-ended questions, like: What do you want? How can I support you? Where do you see me and my goals fitting in? Let him know what is important to you and share with him how much you need him in your life in XYZ ways.
Men care most about the two w's. Their women and their work. As his wife, you deserve to not compete with the work, but the work isn't going away either. If you can each be a little flexible with consistent communication, you can make it work.
You guys have all been really helpful in this matter. Thank you so much for your kind words.
The fact of the matter is my relationship with him IS about to go through a big change. Not as big, of course, if he was going AD but still big from what we're used to now. Of course, being married to a volunteer firefighter doesn't leave room for much normalcy - but I take what I can get.
MommyL: I know exactly what you're talking about. He always has a new goal he wants to accomplish. Bachelors degree? Check. Paramedic? Check. Now Military with his sights set on PA school (he's 28, I'm 23 - it's an interesting dynamic between the two of us).
I am working on a list of things I want out of life now. Even before we got together and got married, I have been totally supportive of everything he's wanted to accomplish. That being said, I think I definitely need to start thinking about what I want out of life because while being supportive of him has been an amazing experience I don't want to wake up years from now and regret not having things I'm proud of myself for doing.
Also, side note: Since the original posting I made, we have had a few long and productive conversations. I'm not one to yell, but instead take the time to cool off and really try to talk to him instead of yelling. I find nothing gets done that way.
But thank you all for your help!
The first couple of years of marriage are full of discussions. My husband and I would have long winded discussions about the smallest things at the beginning, and he would get very frustrated. When he would ask why we have to have a two hour discussion about everything, I would tell him because we are married and we need to know how to deal with conflicts that come up, and the sooner we get it out of the way now, the less we will have to discuss things in the future.
Remember, every discussion you have with your husband is practice figuring things out for the future. If you don't have them now, you won't know how to have them later, and things will build and build.