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im having to FIGHT for him to take my side...
my husband and i were married a little over a MONTH ago... granted, we lived together for a year, dated for 4 and have known eachother for 6. but, we have been having small issues that make for a big argument. and i guess he just doesnt understand how to have an adult argument. i try and talk things out with him and it always ends up with him throwing a hissy fit and slamming the door, and there i am, in the living room, blowing it off. there have been a few specific incidents that need a back story...
he is in the marines and i moved half way accross the country to be with him about a year ago. we couldnt afford our own place so we got a duplex and have had 2 roomates since we moved in. now, we have gone through 5 roomates.... ill tell you why, because all these people, have been other marines. now, maybe its just me, but i thought that marines were suppose to be the ones to really have good heads on their shoulders and the ones who have really been taught how to be a man. not in this case... 4 of them have moved out and left us screwwed out of the rent, with less than 1 weeks notice. now, on many occasions i have had to FIND the extra cash to cover the extra expense, not fun. this last time, the guy who left, also left a few small things here, now, he owed us over $200 for back utilities, that he was refusing to pay. so, i took what he left and put it in my closet. i was only going to give them back when he gave me the cash. he didnt, and i had to pull from our savings. so, now hes texting my husband asking for it all and i have been saying no for weeks now. now, my husband has decided to give him his stuff back even though it meant so much to me, just to prove the point. and this stuff has happened before. every damn time i lose! its like he doesnt care when other people screw US over! how can he just not care? its because he doesnt do our finances! he doesnt know how hard it is coming up with this magical money out of no where. i think he thinks that we just have this endless supply and that santa is real, unicorns live on rainbows, and the IRS doesnt exist. sorry, i guess we all cant live in la la land. i am so tire of people walking alllllllll over us and just getting away with it!!! have you no pride??
but you know, i think that my biggest issue is that i specifically asked him not to. i have VERY few requests, i take care of EVERYTHING. i do his laundry, pay his bills, and preform all of the wife magic that we all do, all while working full time 5 months pregnant.
i just dont know what to do about it, i just cant get him to see how i feel about it, and he doesnt get why it upsets me. and there it goes, another door slammed.
should i try counceling? already? is it me? call me crazy and hormonal, but marriage is about comprimises, not me submitting every time he throws a fit.
Re: im having to FIGHT for him to take my side...
Regarding him giving the guy his stuff back against your wishes... I don't think it's acceptable for him to do something that you clearly are not okay with without, at minimum, telling you about it. Now I can't help but wonder if he didn't just give the guy his stuff back to be done with it. Sometimes, sticking to your guns for the sake of principal isn't always best (I find it just exacerbates the issue). Maybe your husband just wanted to be done with the nonsense. Again, not excusing him just doing without taking to you first... this absolutely required a conversation where you both put your thoughts/feelings out on the table.
His responses - slamming doors, yelling, etc - also not acceptable. It sounds like both of you need to learn how to communicate with each other. And if that requires some outside intervention, so be it. I don't care if you are 2 weeks into a marriage or 20 years... if you have sh!t that needs fixing, don't be too proud to seek outside help.
When you are financially able to, get out of this situation with the renters... it's not doing yourselves or your marriage any favors. I don't have personal experience with renters, but a close family member made a living off it for years (building homes and renting them - way back in the day) and renters simply take advantage of you... you gotta roll with the punches. And you sure a sh!t can not let it destroy your relationship. This is something you both agreed on going in, and now you are dealing with the consequences. Deal with it TOGETHER - don't fight each other when sh!t hits the fan.
You have learned, the hard way, 2 very tough lessons:
DO not marry somebody who has the maturity of a 3 year old
NEVER have roommates live with you and your spouse. It never ever has a good end.
And I think there is a thrid lesson:
Cannot afford to be self sustaining as a married couple? DO NOT get married until you can afford to easily support yourselves.
There is a fourth lesson:
Do not even think of having a family until your marriage has legs AND you can afford to have a child.
This is already a mess.
I am sure you knew how woefully immature he was when you were dating --- that's when you should have taken off and called it a day. Yes, he was like this while you were dating and then when you were living with him -- you merely ignored it, thinking that the situation would go away or he'd grow up or what have you -- or you ignored it and glossed it over.
What you need to do:
Sit him down and read him the riot act.;
Yes, you can go to counseling but I do not think a counselor can get this jerk to grow up in a hurry. His age is showing -- no, SCREAMING --- all throughout your post.
Try counseling and if it does not work or if he refuses to go, get this "marriage" annulled in a civil court. This guy is way way too immature to be a husband... and lawdy miz clawdy only knows what kind of a father he will be. Pity.
There is Lessons Number 5 and 6:
DO NOT marry wihile you are in your young 20s -- very very few people that age are ready and mature enough to do it
Do not marry your first boyfriend. As the saying goes, there are PLENTY of fish in the sea. Don't throw your life away on that "oh but I love him so much" stuff. You'll love plenty of guys before you finally settle down and get married at a much more advanced age.
He's also got a horrible lack of character:
NO MAN, regardless of his age, sits by and permits his wife to pay all the bills (unless there is a good reason for it -- ie he is out of work or ill and cannot work or he's a student and she is working and that's the arrangement) And he's got a horrible lack of character: he married you knowing full well he could NOT afford to support a wife with no financial difficulties. If he was that crazy about you and cared about your future and his and IF he was a wise man, he'd have WAITED until he could afford a wife, even if it took several years.
Several years...yep. Ignore the horniness and the "ohhh but I loooove him" and face reality: you do not get married if you are not financially able to do so, without assistance and without having to take in shitty roommates.
Agreed - I meant to ask that before OP - were these characteristics present when the two of you were dating? If so, know going forward that most, if not all, of those same crappy traits stick with a person, despite the commitment of marriage.
And yes, lesson learned, you shouldn't be married/have kids unless you are financially stable... Then again, I guess there may have been some other circumstances that forced you into this situation - it sounds like you HAD to move... and if you move somewhere with a higher cost of living, I guess those are the breaks.
Bottom line though, in my opinion, you should at least try to work on this. You guys made the commitment to one another (despite maybe not being financially ready, some not-so-great characteristics in him, etc) BUT this is the hand you have to play. All relationships have their challenges, and how you both work through them, as a team, is a test of your commitment.
And get his ass more involved in the bills and household duties... jesus!
That's another thing:
You and he are newlyweds. There is a critical adjustment period -- how can you do that with an endless stream of deadbeat roommates floating in and out of your home?
I don't think there is really anything here to save -- the temper tantrum bullshit alone would have done it for me. Dude, you don't slam a door: you are supposed to face confrontation and issues like a grown up.
You didn't get married to move to some far away location where you'd do what -- play nursemaid to your H and his dumb roommates??? You didn't get married to pull the entire load: he needs to partner 50-50 on EVERY front, and that means finances, also. You didn't get married to live hand to mouth day to day and you did not get married to be a parent to a husband.
Try counseling.
If he refuses to go -- and he probably will -- say goodbye right there.
I would very kindly let His Highness know that there is no way around it: the counseling is a MUST for your marriage to continue. And so is his being an active partner that wants to work on bettering your marriage and alleviating all of the problems you currently have.
ETA: you got married a month ago; you are 5 months pregnant.
Did you both marry because of the baby that is on the way?
You need not have done that at all.
You could have opted to give the child up for adoption; neither you, nor your bf (that's what he was back then) were in any financial shape to afford a child.
You're in deeper sh!t because you now have a baby on the way --- an unplanned child -- that pretty much, it seems, is the cause for the marriage. The first year of marriage is rough enough, let alone a marriage where the bride is already expecting a child.
What a mess.
You can speak to a counselor or social worker alone -- is there one on base -- and bounce some of this off that person. (this would be extrinsic of you and your H seeing a counselor together). If you are religous, talk to your clergyperson.
Firstly, I just have to say that while I understand your frustration with the whole incompetent roommate issue, your husband was actually 100% correct to give the guy his stuff back. From a legal standpoint, you cannot hold a person's personal belongings for ransom, even if they owe it to you. If you had continued to do so, he could have sued you both. The correct course of action would be to allow him to get his stuff and then sue him in small claims court for any back rent, utililites, damages, etc. As for all the other tenants, and if it happens again, look into your legal options for them, essentially, breaking their lease. Every state is different, but you may have legal recourse if they leave you and your husband in a financial bind by not giving enough notice that they're leaving.
Moving on to your husband however, I think you two definitely should try couseling or even therapy to get to the bottom of your issues. Quite often there are underlying issues in these types of situations that need to be brought to light before you can move past them. And sometimes individual counseling helps too. You should definitely explore those options as well. Good luck.
These roommates are all marines? Call their commanding officer - chances are (and ask in the military board) they will be forced to pay what they owe you.
And ditto to the pp - keeping personal property of a tenant is illegal.