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Jealous and Paranoid
Hi everyone,
I'm a 21 year old girl who has been dating this guy (S) for about 9 months now. I really love him and we have been through a lot together. I'd say for the most part things are going really well--minus my overcoming an eating disorder (I may have to write another post about that, ha)--except, I happen to be very jealous of his ex-girlfriend, and afraid that he is going to leave me for someone better.
What's strange is that I have never met the ex-girlfriend yet I know her extensively via Facebook, which is something I'm not very proud of. She is very pretty and seems incredibly confident. I am not only threatened by these things but also afraid of the fact that S is not over her; she broke up with him over a text message and stopped all contact with him. Plus he still has pictures of her on his Facebook.
I am afraid to talk to S about this even though I have brought it up in the past. He assured me that he is over her and that he loves me but every now and then I check his history on his computer and see that he has visited her profile. I'm also afraid to bring it up because I don't want him to see these insecurities I have. I feel like these thoughts and fears I am having--about the ex, my jealousy, fear of talking to him--are detrimental to the relationship and I can't move forward with him or myself unless I am free from this ugly barrier. In turn this perpetuates the second fear I have--that S will leave me for someone better.
How do I resolve this issue? Is there a way I can get over it without talking to S about it?
Thanks!
Alibee
Re: Jealous and Paranoid
1) Your relationship should have open communication. If you have legitimate fears about this relationship it's something you should be able to talk to him about.
2) Trust is incredibly important in a relationship, if you feel like you have valid reasons to not trust him you should step back and assess how serious the two of you really are
3) Facebook stalking ex's and your bf will only lead to trouble. Either stop using Facebook all together or remove your BF from your friends list. I don't have my husband on mine, we see eachother everyday I don't need to network with him on Facebook.
4) Finally, he chose to be with you, however your relationship started 9months ago. If he is not over his ex-girlfriend then he is a jerk, who should not have started another committed relationship.
Facebook can definitely get you into a world of trouble in a relationship. I don't think that just because he checks her Facebook means that he still wants to be with her. It's hard to get over the idea that someone drops you out of nowhere and seems to not care. That's a hard pill to swallow. However, I think you should ultimately trust your gut and do what you think is right.
I understand that you don't want to feel insecure, but you really should talk to him. If you keep feeling this way and don't tell him, you may start to resent him and ruin the relationship. After you talk you still might feel uneasy, but that's where trust has to come in. If you really can't get over it, you may have to just end the relationship for yourself. I wish you luck in whatever you decide.
This is your biggest problem:
I am not only threatened by these things but also afraid of the fact that S is not over her; she broke up with him over a text message and stopped all contact with him. Plus he still has pictures of her on his Facebook.
Do yourself a favor --- you sound like a nice person and a nice young woman:
End the relationship with this gentleman.
It's never a good thing when somebody still has not gotten over a former boyfriend or girlfriend.
Why should you be his "consolation prize"? And why should you settle for second best or a guy with baggage?
Your self confidence can use a boost.
You're at that age where looks mean everything. I blame this on the media and photoshopped bodies that you see in magazines and models and other celebrities that always look like they are perfect. They're the same as me and you once that makeup comes off. Take it from me.:)
Drop this guy. He's not worth your while -- find a guy who is actively looking for a nice girlfriend and make it a guy who hasn't got some dumb ex gf lurking in his shadow. GL.
Definitely do individual counseling to work on your sense of self worth. I think you all need to discuss this further, but if he really isn't over her you should move on and find someone better for you.
I was dating DH at your age and told him point blank I'd had some bad experiences so it would take him awhile to earn my trust. He says its one of the reasons he knew he wanted to keep dating me, I put it it all out there and he always knew where we stood. I think it works in reverse too: I always told DH how I felt about the relationship or what I needed from him, which is why we were able to take a young relationship and make it work the way it has. We've always been very open and honest. I wouldn't want to be with someone where I had to pretend to overlook issues so I didn't come across as insecure, it is impossible to feel fully connected with someone under those circumstances.
This!!! My FI and I deleted our accounts back in October. Not gonna lie, I was a little upset that he asked me to do it but because I love him and I didn't want anything to hurt our relationship, I did it. We came to this conclusion because he looked through the history and saw me looking at guy friends of mine that he swears up and down either wanted in my pants or wanted to date me. He might've been right and I'll never know but it wasn't just that that bothered him. At the time I was working at one of the best night scenes downtown and it was already difficult for him to watch me leave the house at 9:00 at night, dressed how I was dressed and then me not come home until after 4 a.m. On top of that, since I was well known in the area I would have tons of people finding me, friending me, messaging me on FB and it really bothered him. He had issues with FB too...an ex-hook-up contacted him after we had been dating for about two months and he lied about him responding to her. I had a gut feeling he lied, and I asked him for the second and final time and he fessed up. In the beginning, he told me he deleted her message and that he wasn't going to respond. In actuality he did respond...nothing that upset me, but the fact that he lied is what upset me and he was actually worried and started crying because he thought I was going to break up with him over it. It was after I had another issue with an ex of his that we just called it quits with FB. Do I miss it at times? Yes because I have a ton of friends in other states that I did keep with occasionally but it's not that big of a deal. Has it made our relationship better? YES! In the words of the mom on The Waterboy...FB IS THE DEVIL!