May 2012 Weddings
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need your help!
Hey ladies,
I had been in touch much more often before my wedding, but I need your help again!
I'm in grad school, and I'm doing some research that has a little something to do with the "martial name change." If you could please take some time to answer the following as honestly as possible, it would help me oh so much! All of you were always a big help for wedding planning, so I know I can trust your opinions.
If you changed your name, could you explain why you did so? How did you feel about it?
If you kept your maiden name, explain why you made that decision? What did your husband, and family think of your decision?
Thank you soooo much ladies! I hope married life is treating you well!
Re: Need your help!
I changed my name.
Before I met H, I'd always felt strongly about keeping my maiden name. I guess I'd consider myself progressive as far as women's rights go, and it just seemed stupid to me that the woman was expected to change her name, but the man didn't have to? NOT FAIR! And I was also going to be graduating from school as "Dr. MaidenName", so there was that to consider, too.
After H and I got engaged, I really did some thinking about it about it. I guess there was just something really appealing to me about H and I now being a family, and sharing the same name symbolized that commitment to me. You know, going all the way in instead of half-assing it. There was just something about keeping my maiden name that gave me that "I'm committed...but not quite enough to change my name legally, just in case" vibe. That, and it was just going to be much more convenient than keeping my maiden name or hyphenating in the long run, especially if we ever have kids.
My family is pretty progressive about some things, but they were definitely on the side of me taking my husband's name as they can be very traditional about these types of things in particular.
I changed my name as well.
Actually what I did was I dropped my given middle name and I made my middle name my maiden name, then took my husband's last name. Kind of like hyphenating because I kept both last names, except no hyphen. One is a middle name and the other is a last name. This is exactly what my mom did, and I did it for similar reasons: we both hated our given middle names. My middle name was my mom being guilted into a Catholic/Orthodox name (Marie = Mary), but we aren't Catholic or Orthodox, so my mom hated my middle name immediately, too.
That being said, I'm not so sure I upgraded on my new last name... H got teased in high school for his middle name and me hoping to be a teacher, I'm expecting the same sort of abuse. But I had the same thought as PP, same name means same family. Plus, my maiden name made me look like a terrorist (seriously, I got way too much attention at airports).
If you changed your name, could you explain why you did so? How did you feel about it?
If you kept your maiden name, explain why you made that decision? What did your husband, and family think of your decision?
I changed my name after a lot of mixed feelings about it. Ultimately it came down to not being attached emotionally to my maiden name and knowing H's family would be hurt if I didn't change it.
I was adopted, so without having biological roots to my family and growing up mostly with my mom's side around (my dad's side is spread out all over the states, and I had a pretty distant relationship emotionally with my dad), I never really felt like it was part of my identity. I think if my maiden name had been my mom's maiden name I would have kept it.
I do beleive that women are not property, and should never be assumed that they will give up thier identity for the sake of a man or marraige, but at the same time, I feel little connection to my dad's family and hated my maiden name growing up (got teased about it a lot). If I kept my name it would have been merely to prove a point that I was not changing it for a man...which when it came down to it didnt matter to me as much as some of the reasons for changing it.
I semi-jokingly tried to convince my H to change his name and I would change my name to my mom's maiden name, but he didn't think it was very funny. I know a lot of my aunts and cousins on my mom's side are dissappointed that I changed my name. But so be it....as others have said, I want to be a one-name household for the sake of convenience and to have the same last name as any children I may have.
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I changed my name.
I originally wasn't going to- I'm known professionally by my maiden name, and I've always been proud of my it. I really identified being "Amanda D____."
BUT- I could tell it really meant something for my husband to take his last name. Also, honestly- I didn't want to forever be confusing people and having to explain that we were married but with different names, blah blah blah.
So I ended up keeping ALL my names- First, given middle, my maiden name as a second middle name, and his last name. I go by "First, Maiden, New last."
I hyphenated.
When I was younger I always thought I'd take his name. This is both of our first marriages and he really wanted me to just take his name.
I have 15 years of my career invested in my maiden name- including book citations, certification, degrees, etc. I've changed fields/industries a bit and everyone knows me by my maiden.
I didn't want to change my middle name because I go by my first and middle quite a lot. I also like my maiden and since my Dad passed away I'm a bit sentimental about it.
I do love H and our kids will have just his name so I wanted to have an element of that in my name. Plus I agree that socially I will go by Mrs. H and professionally it will be Mrs. Maiden-H
So while I now have a VERY long name I figure it's the best of all worlds.
I changed my last name.
I think I grew up always thinking I would change my last name. I don't know anyone who didn't, so I didn't really question changing my name. I also think its partially because I know we are going to have kids and I want all of us to have the same last name to avoid confusion. I sorta like having Hs name now...makes me feel grown up!
I changed my last name.
I never felt super strong about my maiden name, but I did make it my middle name. I know some women feel they are losing their identity by changing their name. I don't think that's the case. You're still the same person, but just with a different name. I'm also kind of old fashioned in a way. But I also wanted to take H's last name, and now I sound international with French and Portuguese names. And as we have kids, we will have one identifying unit.
I changed my name. I had never wanted to keep my last name once I got married so keeping it never crossed my mind. I also thought about if we had children one day, would it be a pain in the a$$ to try and figure out who's last name to us*, or if we hyphenated, would that be too much for them to try and learn how to spell/write.
*my boss' wife kept her last name, their 3 kids have his last name, and it just seems weird to me...like if I didn't know their situation, I would probably think they were his kids from a previous marriage!
Missing Our July Sparkler
BFP#1-11/12/12, MMC 1/16/13-baby stopped growing @ 9wks, found out at 13wks, D&E 1/25/13
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I changed my name.
I was a little torn at first, I consider myself to be a feminist/progressive/whatever, so I felt like I was setting all women-kind back 50 years by not keeping my maiden name. Then I read this great article interviewing some women who identified. themselves as feminists and why they decided to change their last names. One woman put it perfectly for me. She said that she and her husband were a team and they were adopting the team name. That's how I think of H & I, as a team, so why not have a team name?
I also realized that there's no reason, professional or otherwise for me to keep my maiden name, and that in actuality it would probably be more confusing socially. Plus we plan to have kids one day and I didn't want to have a different name from the rest of my family. Some women do that, and there's nothing wrong with it, it's just not for me. Also, our names are far too long to hyphenate, so that was never an option! I did for a week or so try to convince H that we should both change our names and become Mr. & Mrs. Awesome!
I changed mine!
I have always hated my last name and I couldn't wait to get married to change it. Also my middle name and last name began with the same letter and I hated that my initials were AMM the double letters always just looked so stupid. I never had a great relationship with my dad and just having his last name made no sense to me.
When we decided to get married there was no real thinking about it I just considered it normal. And no one even asked about it because around here that's just what you do. We are very traditional with that kind of stuff. Although it didn't help with my initials as they are now AMMM.
I changed mine (or I should say I'm in the process of changing it). More than 2 months after the wedding, I'm still going by Kim H___. But, I've gone to SS and I plan to completely change it.
I didn't have really strong feelings on it, but I was leaning towards keeping it. No particular reason, I'm just so used to it, I'm 33 and the thought of being anything but Kim H__ just seemed foreign to me. But, DH and I talked about it, and it was important to him, so I'm changing it.
I did this but I go by First, Middle, New Last and my maiden name, now second middle name, is just for legal purposes. =o)
I changed my name.
This is my second marriage, and after my first one, I kept the name because that was name my son has. At that time, I didn't see myself getting married again ANY TIME soon, as the marriage ended badly and the situation as a whole was a bad one. I figured that when my son started school, I wanted to have the same name as him so there would be less confusion.
Then, H came along and swept me off my feet!
Things progressed, and we started talking about the future, and he wanted to make me his wife, and to step in and be a family and be that missing link for my son. (long story short, his biological father is incarcerated at this time and will be until he is an adult. so, he is not around, but still has contact with us.)
And, some tension and resentment had grown between me and the ex(since has gone away and we're fine now), and I wanted nothing more than to be rid of his name, even though I will always be tied to him and his family. And, H really wanted me to become part of his family, to take his name.
I don't worry so much about having the same name as my son now, and I signed all of his registration papers for kindergarten as ex's name-H's name, so they know. Call me old-fashioned, but I feel that once someone is married, you take the new last name. Like PP's have said, it makes me feel like a unit. HTH!
Ever since I was little I always said I would change my name because my last name seemed simple to spell but people messed it up so frequently that it drove me NUTS. I couldn't wait to get rid of it, so I always said that's what I would do.
When it came down to discussion during the engagement, H's mom sort of pushed me to become Caitlin Maidenname Newname and drop my middle name because "that's what you're supposed to do" for her generation I guess...
Annoyance of pressure this aside I just explained that I felt very strongly about keeping my middle name because it's the female version of my father's name and that is really meaningful to me.
When I discussed this with my family they all thought MILs idea was weird, for the record, lol. I don't think this is weird at all for those out there who have chosen to do that, it just wan't the right fit for me or the women in my family. My mother also advised against hyphenating last names because that's what she did and she said it's been a bigger pain than it's worth!
In the end I did exactly what I've always planned because I am also just now starting my career and I didn't have to worry about any confusion like several of you ladies have had to!
While I LOVE my maiden name, and was a little torn about changing it, I did take on H's last name and made my maiden name to my middle name and dropped my given middle name.
I wanted to just keep everything and just add his last name, but I thought it was way too long and kind of confusing to have 2 middle names.
It was weird because for 24 years I have been known by my given name and now it's like a new identity, but like many others said, it meant a lot to my H for me to take on his last name. And, I agree that once we have this baby, I will want all 3 of us to have the same last name.
Originally I was going to keep my maiden name. DH wanted me to take his, but he understood after I asked him if he would take my last name, he got what he was asking of me. I wanted to keep mine because I thought it was silly I was expected to take DH's last name, plus I really liked my last name. We were going to hyphenate our children's last name MyLast-DHLast. My family was slightly surprised by our decision because they have all taken their H's last name. I thought that DH's family was going to be upset, but they understood that it's the 21st century.
In the end we both decided to change our last name and hyphenate
While my friends thought it was awesome, DH's friends gave him such sh!t, but they got over it after the initial "shock."
I feel great about our name change, it was the perfect compromise