Relationships
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Fighting to spend time with my fiacee
My fiancee always spend time with his family and hardly want to spend time with me, I'm tired of coming second, If we do spend time with him his mom always calling for him to do stuff or his sister calls him a thousand time, It drives me crazy, he work with his family and he even spend time with them on weekends, I don't know what to do, my family is not like his, we only see each other every other month or when we need anything.
Re: Fighting to spend time with my fiacee
Drop him and move on.
This is a mama's boy and a sister's guy --- you don't want somebody who isn't man enough, nor mature enough; he cannot stand on his own two feet and know what the word NO means.
This also sounds like a cultural issue and an age issue -- he sounds like he's rather young.
His age and culture is showing; cancel the wedding and move on. This will not get better; it will be infinitely worse if you marry this guy.
How many times have you brought this up with him?
Have you ever talked to him about telling his family that he would like to spend some time with you without being interrupted?
Whenever you do bring it up do you yell and basically offer no middle ground?
If he just straight up ignores your requests then chances are it will be like this for the entire marriage unless he wants it to change. And he has to change it on his own terms. It's up to you to decide if that is worth not marrying him.
Guys like this will never change. And as i said, his youth is showing, too. That is compounding the problem and making it worse on top of all of this is teh fact that this is plainly a cultural issue.
The OP needs to do what is best for her. She needs to put herself first.
I honestly don't agree with change not happening. The only time I would agree is if they don't try to change at all. And as I said before bottom line is it's up to her to decide if she wants to stay or go and what she thinks is a red flag or what things she thinks are worth leaving him for.
What's a red flag?
This whole post is a red flag!
Even if this guy is much older than young 20s, who wants a guy who leaves her on the shelf? You would not want that and I sure would not either.
Nor would I want a guy who has no time for me. You have no time for me now, you're gonna have time for me after we are married? Doubtfu.
And culture is a tough issue to breach. Most of what you see in a specific culture is what's the norm for many many years. A lot of it has to do with class issues, also. You see that a lot with Asian Indian families.
We've got a fairly sizable Asian Indian population in our town; the mothers refuse to let their kids play with other kids that they see as not in the same class as they. Sad for the kids, sad for everyone. And all the kid knows is that they can't play with their friend anymore and they don't have a real reason why.
It's also a lot of "Hatfields and McCoys" bullshit. And not only that, when you come to another country, you're supposed to assume the new lifestyle of that country. It doesn't happen.
The OP and her FI need to see a counselor that specializes in cultural issues -- and if she is still interested in marrying this guy, the wedding needs to be postponed until this issue is solved to her satisfaction.
And if he won't solve the issue and can't get it that once you are married your spouse is YOUR FAMILY, she needs to do the smart thing and move on. I'd hate to see her sign up for 50 years of being ignored and coming in last with her H.
Please show me where OP says this is a cultural issue, with her 1 post that doesn't mention anything of the kind and no profile pictures. Or are you making assumptions again?
You're making up elaborate stories based on what you think is happening, not evidence.
Yeah I don't see anything in the OP that states he's young or culturally tied to being with his family at all times.
I would start by talking to him. When you're calm and you have time alone. Explain that he makes you feel like you're not as important as other members of his family. Ask if you can set aside some time each week to spend together, when he can turn off his phone and concentrate on the two of you.
I don't know how long you've been together but I know that figuring out family dynamics took a good 5 or 6 years for my husband and I. In that situation, I was the one who was far more involved with my family then he was with his. But I wasn't aware it was even a problem until he sat me down and explained that he felt I was always putting someone else before him and that it made him feel unimportant. We dealt with issues as they came up from that point on and we've been able to find a happy balance but it did take a few years and a lot of communication.
Tarpon, have you ever replied to a post with something other than "dump him"? I mean, there are a lot of screwed up relationships on this board but one problem isn't always the be all end all. You can work on things and people can make changes if they want to.
You assume that English is not her first language, when it's equally possible that she merely made some errors in her post. You assume it's a cultural issue, when it's equally possible that her fianc? is the same culture as she is, or that they are both Western culture. What would make a helluva lot more sense than assuming would be waiting until she answers the questions about the root of the problem, including age and culture. And if she doesn't come back to do that, then we've all wasted our time anyway- but at least the rest of us didn't ASSume.
My advice - DO NOT GET MARRIED until this is resolved to your satisfaction. Talk to him, see if there is room for change.
If there isn't (i.e. he simply refuses to see that this is aproblem), then decide if you can live w/ being #3 the rest of your life. If you can, marry him. If you can't, leave him.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I honestly think this is an irreconcilable mismatch. Even if he cuts down seeing them on the weekends to, say, every other weekend, he's still someone who wants to see and talk to his family all the damn time and all damn day. You're already sick to death of these people. Just imagine how sick of them you'll be ten years down the road.
I am also wondering how involved they are in his life decisions, and by extension, how involved they'll be in yours. I can't think of a single example of a family that makes independent decisions and respects each other's privacy, yet works together on a daily basis, sees each other socially during most of their free time, and calls each other regularly for favors.