Family Matters
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
"Do I have to have her as a flower girl?"
My mother wants me to include my cousin's 1 y.o. daughter as a flower girl at my wedding in September 2013. By that time she will be a little over 2 and will probably be every where else except where she needs to be. The thing is, my cousin and I have not been close for over 12 years and don't want to feel obligated to include her daughter in my entourage (which I already have 7 kids) or forced to include anyone because of obligation. Mother continues to fight me for it. Kinda torn!
How to deal?
-M
Re: "Do I have to have her as a flower girl?"
If she and/or your father is/are is paying for this event, then, well, she calls the shots. Your way and his way around it is to pay for the wedding yourselves and then you can have anybody at all you wish to participate....or exclude those you want to exclude. That's the beauty of paying for the weding yourselves.
A 2 year old is way too young to be in a wedding. I don't care who's holding the kiddo or if she's in some kind of dumb cart with "here comes the bride" written on it --- 2 is way too young to be in a wedding.
It is allso WAY too early to have a wedding party chosen. This is your mistake.
You should have waited until about Easter and then asked who you wanted to ask.
Asking people to be in a weddding this early on is a mistake because:
People change their minds, friendships go bad, people lose jobs and can't participate due to budget restrictions.... and ladies just change their minds and drop out.
Same goes for families with kids.
Two years old is too young to be a flower girl. When I was married, dh's niece was three, and even then she needed to walk up with her mom. 2 YOs can get panicky, cry, not follow directions......not pay attention for the length of the ceremony.
Find an article where it states that flower girls should be 3-4 years old at the youngest, and show your mother.
Tell your mom "NO" in no uncertain terms. Tell her you know she wants to make her sister / brother happy (I'm assuming), but this is not the way to do it, on your wedding day.
I don't agree that the person paying gets 100% of the say. Do they get to have input on what happens? Of course, but just because someone is contributing towards the wedding doesn't mean they get to dictate every term of the wedding. It's not mom's wedding.
Of course, if the MOB is paying, she can withdrawl her financial support if the choice of flowergirl is a dealbreaker for her, just as the bride can tell her mom that she (the bride) and the groom would rather have their own (smaller) wedding - of course, they won't be able to invite all of the mom's family and friends (including said cousin), because....well, the budget is tight.
I totally agree. Just because someone is chipping in money doesn't make their ideas firm and fast. They get a say, but they don't get ALL of it.
You're preaching to the choir.;) Yeah, that is how it works -- on paper -- but how many times have we seen it on TK or with somebody we knew whose parent or parents were paying for the event?
That's a good idea -- find an article that says FGs are 3 or 4 the youngest and show that to your mother.
And I remember a time when FGs were about 6 minimum. Oye. 2 year olds are way way too unpredictable. And being in a wedding party would probably terrify the kiddo.
And another heads up: if the youngster starts to cry in the midst of the ceremony, inform your officiant it is okay to stop the ceremony and then politely ask that somebody take the kiddo to an outside room or place other than the ceremony proper. (you don't have to tell her you're doing this. This is for your own peace of mind)
At the end of the day it's your wedding and you need to be happy with your decisions. Your mom will get over it, trust me, I just went through the same scenario. Side note, I was concerned about the ages of our flower girls too- husband wanted all of his nieces, ages 6, 3 1/2, 2 1/2 and 2. We decided on the 3 oldest mainly bc the youngest is beyond a handful. The 2.5 yo actually did great..so it's possible. Don't drive yourself nuts and have an open mind that there could be a last minute change if a little one is not feeling up to it. Good luck!
"Mom, I said no, why are you continuing to argue with me about this?"
Make it about her and her inability to accept "no" as an answer.
It also helps to say something like, "Mom, you know how I feel about including a 2 year old in the wdding party. I know you disagree. If you want to include her, even though I don't want to - go right ahead. Who's going to stop you." The "I don't want it - but you can do it" angle is a real eye-opener to MOB's.
No. That's what you say. And continue to say. It's not your mom's wedding, it's yours. If you want it how you want it you need to learn to say no.
If she says this her mother is going to put a 2 year old in the wedding party! The person stopping her is the bride. I wouldn't risk telling her to do as she pleases. I agree with your first advice about her accepting the word no.
I have never, ever been to a wedding where a toddler-aged boy or girl did what they were supposed to do. Then all the attention is on them and NOT THE BRIDE!
In short, I think they are a nusance. I love kids...got two of my own...but not as bridal party members.
First off, you need to be firm and do what you want as far as your WP, but as far as the age thing, I really don't think it's as big of a deal as everyone says..
My FGs were 4 and 1.5 and my RBs 2 and 1.5 and they were adorable. Who CARES if kids "do exactly as they're told" or are "super well-behaved"? Oh no, a kid runs! DAY RUINED! Not quite.. it's a cute moment.. I had all my RBs and FGs go sit with their parents once they were done.. don't think you need them to stand up with the wedding party. Silly pressure to put on kids.