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Video Games - to break the computer or not???
We've been together for three years. He's a brilliant IT pro who's professional life is based in the wonderful world of computers. He's also a great kayaker, climber, an all around awesome camping partner, and a super dog dad. But...he's also a gamer. Now don't get me wrong I enjoy the occasional Mario Cart on the Wii; but when I say occasional I mean twice per year. I suck at video games, I'm just not good at them. I've tried and tried again but it's just not my thing and I'm ok with that.
In the last two years he has withdrawn farther and farther into these complex computer games. I bought him a game not realizing it was an "online multi player experience" and now he is all but gone. When he gets home from work I get maybe and hour with him before he's plugged in for the rest of the evening. If he's feeling generous I get dinner and maybe an episode of a tv show with him or a walk with the dogs. After that he is so antsy to get back to this other world inside the game it's almost painful to be around him. He gets frustrated easily if there is something keeping him from it. It's to the point now that he spends appx. 5 hours every night plugged in and we haven't gone to bed together in what feels like ages. The worst is that he gets frustrated with other players and then swears at the computer, bangs on the desk, and hits the keys. It's so uncomfortable to be around.
I also feel really uncomfortable with some of the relationships that develop with other players. They play in teams and they have these inside jokes. Whenever I ask what's going on he assures me it's all ok and everything is anonymous and that he doesn't really know these people. It still feels like I'm the kid in grade school left out of freeze tag - in my own living room. I know we can't spend every minute together and it's healthy to have interests outside of each other, but this feels wrong.
We used to have this lively relationship full of conversation and we loved to spend time together. Any more I feel ignored, hurt, and left behind. How long before he would rather just spend all his time online and I'm not important to him any more? Hell, I don't feel very important to him right now. We've talked about the game, fought about the game, I've cried, he's spent less time online - but it always ends up back here. Me sitting on the couch for hours just to be near him, but completely detached from each other.
My heart hurts. I want my amazing man back.
Re: Video Games - to break the computer or not???
Thanks - it's nice to know I'm not alone but sorry to hear you're having the same issue.
Seriously how does one handle this situation? I want to break the computer, shake him, cry, and throw an epic tantrum. That's not my style but talking about it hasn't helped and I'm at the end of my rope. How do you get a guy to unplug and welcome him back to the world of reality??? I feel like I'm dealing with a crack addict.
I'm sorry
I do think the next step is to have another conversation with him- in a calm moment, before he gets sucked in to gaming. Keep it simple, and don't let yourself get sucked into an attack-and-defense thing with what he-likes about the games vs. why you think they're a waste of time. The point isn't so much that it's video games (although the multi-player aspect of it does make it something easy to get addicted to)--- it's that he's spending a lot of time on a hobby at the expense of time and togetherness with you. Honestly, I am a non-video-gamer married to a gamer, but it's not an issue because he keeps the gaming to a minimum and it doesn't interfere with our time. It is possible, although my husband has admitted that it can be hard to have to stop in the middle of a game- but then again, it can be monstrously hard for me to stop reading in the middle of a chapter, or cut short an evening out with people from work. It can be done.
I would bring up and stick to three points: First, how his gaming is affecting you (you miss him, you feel hurt that you spend a large portion of the evening being ignored on the couch if you want to be around him, you feel worse that when he's not playing he's antsy to get back to it, you miss going to bed together) Second, what specific changes you'd need to stop his gaming from affecting you (a larger commitment to his time with you than his commitment to time at the game) Third, what worries you about the future if there isn't a change (growing more detached, and forgetting about what a wonderful time together you two used to have)
Good luck, hope it all works out
All this.
I am horrendous at gaming. An infant can handle a controller then me. Gaming was a big part of H's life when we first started dating (both console and online computer games). I would fall asleep to the sound of the key strokes. He would get lost for hours playing with his friends on console games. It took him years to find the right balance of games and no games.
The one thing that really helped is I got hooked on one of the biggest MMO's out there. So we play together and gaming turned into a positive. Neither of us have to play or get ancy if we are away for to long. It is just anther form of entertainment. Your H needs to come to realize this.
As for the online friends and inside jokes. Real friendships can be formed even though you have never seen their face before and it's a fake name. Some married couples have met through online games. An online friend should be treated as a "real life friend". If the relationship turns inappropriate the friendship needs to end just like in "real life".
We have a very close friend who was addicted to gaming. If he wasn't working or sleeping he was on his online game. Then when he started dating the love of his life he realized he couldn't keep her if he continued to play. He told me their was no middle ground for him. Gaming is his heroine. They are now happily married.
Good luck. I hope you both figure this out.
It's WoW, isn't it?
I'm a gamer married to a gamer, and the key is moderation. Have him turn the computer off and sit down to discuss your issues in a calm manner. Explain that there's a term for what you feel like- a WoW widow, gamer widow, whatever. Tell him that you feel as though you're the only one in this relationship, and he has to make an effort or you're moving on. (And you have to mean it.)
Hopefully he recognizes the error of his ways, and is willing to wean himself away from the game. Work out a schedule for however many nights a week you feel comfortable having him devote to his game, say 2 or 3, and the remainder of the week he limits his game time to an hour a day. (Or whatever time you both feel is appropriate. Several games require daily "upkeep". The ones I'm familiar with can reasonably be done in an hour.) During his gaming nights, have fun with a hobby YOU enjoy. On your "together nights", find a hobby you both enjoy that you can do together.
If he's not willing to commit to changing, or you're not satisfied with the effort he's making, your best option is to walk away to save yourself more isolation and suffering. Counselling is another option, but if it were me I would probably cut my losses at that point.
I wish you good luck. I've seen how addictive gaming can be to those already predisposed to want to escape reality, but anything can be overcome if one puts the effort into it.
I had no idea there was such a term as "gamer widow" or WoW. I Googled them and was astonished at what came up. I'm also surprised that there are women gamers. I guess I shouldn't be surprised, but I am. I know that I won't ever be a gamer, I've tried so we could have this in common, but it made us both miserable.
We've talked about this so many times and things do get better for a bit, but always go right back. It's just that its getting progressively worse, not just fluctuating. I do have my own things - yoga, I make jewelry, girls nights, etc. He just doesn't seem to notice if I'm here or not.
His frustration is just the worst. What is so frustrating about a video game??? If he gets frustrated with his game then he ends up snapping at me about something unrelated and that's not fair. His defense is that you can't just turn frustration off in a moments notice. My solution to that is then to discontinue whatever is so darn frustrating!
He is so defensive of the game it makes a rational conversation extremely difficult.
The frustration thing sounds like an anger issue he may need to work on. My father did the same when he played video games, I never figured out an easy way to get him to calm down when I was growing up. Then after he would finish playing, he would still be frustrated and mad, it wasn't healthy. He never sought anger management, but I always thought it would have been a good idea.
My husband and I play video games together as well, I must say I am not wonderful at them either, but certain ones are fun, plus its a great thing to do together. (leave me out of that call of duty though, yuck) You might try this particular game he spends 5 hrs a day on? Then you wont feel so left out and your husband wont resent you from you not letting him play in the future. He also might be more willing to watch a tv show/movie that you love and he is meh about as well.
The frustration at the game is not necesaraily an anger issue. If he is interacting more with people on the game (face behind a mask) then characters the game has made up (no face behind mask/ all made up) I can see why he gets angry/ frustrated at times.
H get much more hot and bothered by people on the game being a**holes/ people b*tching for no reason/ not working as a team and other things. I get the same way sometimes but it takes a ton for me (longer fuse). I know it takes H time to cool down and that varries due to what happened in game. I know it was the game and know that his frustration and moody answers will only last so long. I equate it to a bad day at work. You have a bad day and you come home in a bad mood. It takes a few minutes (not hours) to cool down and unwind.
We have friends that get very passionate while they play games (men and ladies). The only ones I have ever seen display physical anger toward inanimate objects are the guys. That was many years ago and they have grown up and matured (no longer silly college boys).
I am in no way excusing the displays of anger and saying it is ok what your H is doing. Your H should not be taking his anger out on you. That is an issue.
Can I ask what game(s) he plays?
Whether this guy is merely bored and killing time or whether he's got a true addiction to gaming -- and yes, you can be addicted to gaming -- a difference: if the gaming interferes with your lives, you've argued over it or he's pissing up too much money on it, he's got an addiction.
The gaming has to stop. That you know.
You could sit him down and tell him what you've told us; make the talk with him brutal and to the point and blunt as hell: get your point accross and don't fart around or sugar coat it for this guy --- and see if he calls a moratorium on his game time or at least limits his gaming to maybe an hour a day.
Or you can flat out tell him, "Make your choice NOW -- it's the gaming or your wife." and let him make the choice.
If you take that route, you must also be prepared to leave. YOu can't just say it and then do nothing.
I left my ExH who had an addiction to R/C Airplanes. It was a horrible expensive addiction that drove me away (well one of the many reasons).
He put all of his time, all of our money into this hobby which led me into a depression as well. I was raising our DD on our own and his weekends were all about the airplanes and going to hobby stores. I hated that hobby. I despised it. To this day if I see a "stupid airplane" like the ones he flew it makes me anxious so I have to look away. They contributed to his horrible behavior. I shed too many tears over his BS and he knew how much I hated it.
Things have to change for y'all and they need to change NOW! He has a serious addiction and yes it is legal, but not healthy and it is driving you away.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Video_game_addiction
http://www.olganon.org/ - Online Gamers Anonymous - to help with gaming addictions.
Good luck sweetie! You unfortuantely have a battle ahead. Communicate to him as much as possible and stay calm even if he gets upset...
Well it's good to hear that others can't simply flip the frustration off like a switch. It definately makes me re-evaluate my expectations and makes me more understanding.
He plays some game about star wars. Not sure what it is exactly.
If it's the one I'm thinking of it is similar to what we play. My teenage brother plays Star Wars online. He loves it and spends hours on it every day during the summer. We are perfectly functioning adults who travel, spend time with friends and family, go out to eat, see movies, go walking and so much more. We both care about our appearances and health. We know the other comes first before anything (including the game).
The important thing's are your H need to:
-have set amount of time each day to play to help with up keep
or
-play for an extended period on a couple of days
-He can not and should not take his anger/ frustration out on you
- He needs to learn to be happy when not playing the game. He needs to focus on what is going on at that moment and enjoy life with you
- He can and will create real friends through the game but they must not get inappropriate (sexually or emotionally). Just like he talks about his real life friends from college he should be able to do the same about in game friends. (Taking an interest in his game and that part of his life should help him to open up.)
Sit and make a schedule together. Keep yourself busy when he is gaming and when you are busy he has the choice to play his game.
If he can not do all this you give him the choice of you or games. If he wants to stay with you he may need help quitting with a counselor. Being addicted to games is as real as being addicted to alcohol. It is possible and is more common then you think. Having patience and understanding while he adjusts will do wonders for him. Good luck and be strong. Just remember if it does not get better leaving him may be the only way for you to be happy again.
OP, there are lots of good ideas here. Just make sure that you don't start off with an ultimatum for him to quit without trying to limit first- everyone has a right to a hobby, even if you don't share it, understand it, or agree with it.
Non-gamers tend to think gamers are strange or juvenile, without considering that their own hobby of watching TV, knitting, gardening, reading, scrapbooking, posting to message boards on the Internet, etc. serves the same purpose- an escape from the daily grind doing something that they enjoy and receive some sense of gratification from. If you wouldn't want your hobbies taken away from you, don't try to take his hobby from him.
Hi! I totally understand your feelings as my hubby is a gamer as well. We're approaching our one year anniversary and he's always been a gamer but I noticed in the last 2 years of being together, he's increased his time playing. I thought I was doing a good thing by buying him a gaming chair with the vibration and speakers to give him the full experience and it only made it worse. I wanted to go to the extremes of throwing the Playstation, Xbox, computer, and his gaming magazines out of the window, but I decided on telling him how I felt and working out a plan that would allow him to do whatever he wanted with his own him-time while providing us our time to work on our marriage.
One part of the plan was to get him to realize just how much time he was spending with me when he came home from work compared to how much time he was spending on gaming. He was totally oblivious to the amount of time he was gaming by saying "Oh I was only on for an hour!" and really he was on for 3 hours. That's a long time considering he gets home on a good day around 7:30 at night. I started to time him and then he realized how much time he actually spent. I even bought a huge wall clock that is the focal point of our living room. He thinks it's only for decor, but the added perk is that it is also there to show him what time it is while he's playing.
I also discussed with him that if the gaming was getting more time than I was, then I feel that is a reflection of what is more important to him. Stress the I FEEL part so he doesn't get defensive, which can happen if the approach is targeted at him and what he's doing even though it is true. After getting him to see how much time he was spending on gaming, he gradually began to cut back his time without saying anything more about it (my hubby wasn't going to make a drastic change or tell me that I was right b/c he doesn't like to admit when I'm right sometimes lol).
I came to realize that his gaming is a way for him to relieve his stress from work since he does work a stressful job and has an equally stressful boss to go along with it. He started that job about 2 years ago, which explains why he increased his time gaming. Maybe your hubby is doing this as a stress reliever as well. Now, I give him his time to play his video games and I do something that I want to do without him whether it's talk on the phone with my friends or family, read a book, watch Real Housewives, etc. while he's doing so. With that said, I realized that we don't always have to be engaged in talking or doing the same thing all the time, which keeps us grounded in our individuality. I'll even play some games with him sometimes and he's even gone so far as to buy the Kinect because I prefer to move instead of sitting on my butt with a controller in my hand. Try to find ways to blend your interests with his gaming if possible.
We don't have kids yet but we do want to start a family in the future. I have expressed my concern of how he's going to juggle gaming and helping me with a baby and of course he says, "I can put the baby on the gaming chair between my legs and give him/her a controller" and all I can say is "Yeah, we'll see about that!" ~M.
I can't express enough how helpful all of these comments have been.
It has been really clarifying to hear from those going through the same thing, those in healthy relationships with gamers, and actual gamers themselves! I never thought about so many of the different perspectives, but that is what relationships are all about isn't it? Different perspectives. Most importantly I don't feel so alone or am wondering - is it just me? I am realizing this whole situation has really taken a toll on how I view myself and my worth. It really isn't about the game, it's about how not having quality time with him makes me FEEL.
I'm lucky that he really is a great guy, but we do need to reassess our time together and re-evaluate our priorities.
Thanks everyone for your kind and supportive words!
My H is a gamer and has been for a long time, I knew what I was getting into and just made him understand what I expected from him. We have 2 kids and he knows I need his help and that I also like to spend time with him. So he asks me if its ok for him to play or if I would like to do something with him instead during the week and only plays at night after the kids are asleep, on the weekends, when they take naps.. This works for us just try and compromise with him. Its hard for non gamers like us to understand but they need it just as much as I need time to read and do my hobbies. Good Luck