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Dating a Single Parent.
I have been dating a single parent for 2 months. We met 2 months after she split from the father of her baby. Things have moved, as some would put it "quite fast". Im a go with the flow kind of guy and we have seen each other nearly every day and I have been introduced to her child. The child lives with the woman I am dating.
I have a few issues that I need an opinion on.
1) She told me she loved me after 5 weeks
2) She has called me the dad of her kid's name three times in 2 months.
3) yesterday she said that she doesnt want to see me when she has her kid because she has to give her all her attention.
I really like this girl. I dont want it to fail as I have a string of failed relationships as I am a "nice guy" and tend to finish last. I have told her that I will support her etc and that she can talk to me about anything. We have a verrrryyyy good sex life and she has introduced me to her family. The father of her kid has a new girlfriend and I would hate to think that I am only on the scene until he becomes available again, although she says that they are not getting back together.
So now I am going to see her less. I really want this to work out as I like her. She has her kid on a saturday sunday Monday and Tuesday. If I start a job working 9-5 we can have so many date nights and she has the kid on a saturday! What way should I play visiting when her kid is there?
Re: Dating a Single Parent.
As a single parent for many years, I can only tell you of my experience. I know that when I was left with two little ones, I was pretty desperate to have a family life again. I wanted my kids to have a "dad" in the picture. I made some pretty poor choices.
She should NEVER EVER refer to you as the child's dad. She has a father and to confuse her is just wrong. I would be very careful. I understand your feelings for the mother and all that, but the kid HAS to come first. I would put some distance between you so you can both figure out if this is the right thing for both of you. She is very vulnerable right now. I can also say from experience that I held on to the hope that the father of my children would come back to me and our family and I would have ended any relationship I was in if that had happened. Once there is a kid involved, there is a connection that takes years to cool down, if ever. I still have a soft spot for my kid's dad, even though we have been broken up for 15 years and we have both moved on. Good luck and keep your eyes open.
I would proceed w/ CAUTION. You started dating only 2 months after she split w/ her ex? And she's referring to you as her DD's father? Um..... no.
I get it that she's vulnerable, may really want what she used to have, etc.
What I don't understand- she loves you, refers to you as the girls father, but doesn't want to see you when she has her DD? Thta seems odd.
HOnestly, I think she's really confused right now and doesn't really know what she wants. And while you don't want this to fail, this has "rebound" written all over it. Sorry to say.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
I do not know how long it is you are seeing her but when there is a child involved, this is why prudency and throughness -- and taking one's time -- should be warranted.
I'd say that not until at least the 8 month mark should the child be "left out of" this relationship --- kids have attachment issues. After 8 months, go a head and introduce your SO to your child or children. You also want to make sure that the relationship is a lasting one and it has stability.
Lots of people who have custody of their children do not have dates on the weekends that the kids are with them. They wait until the weekend when the other parent has the child for the weekend. Nothing wrong with that.
What's done is done.
If you care, you'll slow this relationship down. And my opinion: I don't think she is really "over" the split up with the child's father. That's not a good portent for a successful relationship. You don't need a third wheel in on this relationship.
Agreed: to refer to you as the dad is just wrong. Simply because you are not their dad and it's confusing for the kids involved. She sounds like she is using you to fill a void left when the child's father left the scene.
I think he meant that his name is X and the kids father is Y andshe called him Y. Not that she said to someone that he is the childs father!
My opinion is that she is moving quite quickly. I'd slow down a bit
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
My DH and I met when he was going through a divorce... so I have a little experience with this. We fell in love very quickly.... I believe it can happen...especially if you are coming out of a bad relationship and find someone that fits. As far as introducing and spending time with the children are concerned... she moved VERY quickly. I was introduced early but was not "involved" with the kids until we were sure we had a future together and I moved in.
I also think her wanting to have alone time with her kids, and separate it from couples time is not a bad idea... especially since the split was not too long ago. It is rough for children when their parents split and they need time to adjust. Throwing another person in the mix every time they see their mom is confusing and will make the adjustment even more difficult. I think once every other week all getting together and doing a park outing, or swimming, or a museum would be a great idea to keep you familiar with the kids... but not in their home territory where they need to focus on their new family situation.
As far as her calling you her ex's name... talk to her... it might just be an honest mistake or habitual.... if they were together for any length of time it just might be an honest mistake. Tell her it bothers you... and why (did they have a bad breakup and she says it when mad, or just slips up in everyday conversation). If she is having the children calling you dad already...big mistake. I was never mom (even though I have been with my husband and have known his kids for 14 years and they don't remember us being apart) and they only refer to me as their stepmom for clarification.
Good luck, remember that she is a package deal and if you continue a relationship with her there are going to be conflicts with the ex and with the kids in the future as far as your role. You have to be ready for that. For me it was worth it... difficult at times... but totally worth it.
Hey Guys. May I clarify. She has never called me the child's father. I apologise if I made it sound that way!!! My name is X the dads name is Y and she has called me Y in conversation.
She said that she wants to spend quality time with her kid. By the sounds of things from the past few days. Her and the child's dad dont want each other back at all!!