Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
How do I get my husband to fight fair? (kinda long)
My husband (of 4 years) and I rarely have conflicts and are very happy
overall. When we do, though, I feel like he's instantly against with
me, and his goal is to be justified. I feel like if we really just
understood each other (both me him, and him me) then our conflict would
be resolved and we'd both be better off. We'd say, "Oh, now I see" and
be done. I try to fight fair -- keep my cool, restate what I'm hearing,
and give in when it will help ("Maybe I'm being too sensitive"). But
it's hard when he won't do the same, so I end up just being silent and
crying.
I feel like he's playing offense and defense against me, and I'm trying
to play on his team. I don't know why it's instantly me-against-you,
and not OUR problem.
If I disagree with him, he comes back with, "Well that's how I feel,"
implying that my disagreement is illegitimate next to his feelings. It
also stops the conversation. He'll do the same thing but say,
"Alright", "Fine", "Okay" or something like that. That leaves either
nothing, or me saying, "Okay what? Talk to me!"
And I hate admitting this, but there are times in our fights when I just
don't believe him. Without going into it, last night he said I was
"bossy" and I asked if he was serious or joking. He said he was joking,
but that he DID think that I was overly anxious about x (this thing
that involves both of us and is directly related to what prompted him to
call me bossy, but is besides the point here). A few minutes later I
said that it hurt my feelings when he called me bossy. He sighs and
says he was joking. I point out that there was an element of truth to
his joke (he thinks I'm overly anxious about x), and I felt that
passive-aggressive lilt. But he maintains when he said I was bossy, he
was purely joking, no subtext, no passive aggression. And I just don't
believe him. I HATE that I feel that way. But still, I think he's
saying that because it's the response that makes him right. Of course he was being passive
aggressive then! I'm not stupid!
I tell myself I have to trust him,
that all we have are our words, and no hidden cameras, no mind-readers,
no time machines... So I drop it from the conversation but it still
weighs on me. He doesn't lie to me in other contexts, just when we
fight/disagree/whatever.
I just feel like every blip or misunderstanding doesn't have to be a
me-against-you thing. When I said my feelings were hurt last night, why
was his first reaction to legitimize what he said instead of
acknowledging that his wife's feelings were hurt? Instead of instantly
arguing or getting defensive, I wish he would think, "I'm not being
understood/I'm not understanding her; we need to get realigned" and then
try to move towards that.
Am I completely unrealistic? I feel like both a pushover when we fight, and an *sshole later when it's still bothering me. I don't know what to do, or how to communicate this to him in a
way he'd be receptive. I feel like he'd either (again) push back, or
be dismissive ("couples fight sometimes, it's not a big deal.")
How do I talk to him about how we fight without him getting defensive (and fighting back)?
I guess this is kind of long. Sorry about that. Thanks for letting me vent.
Re: How do I get my husband to fight fair? (kinda long)
And I am not crazy about his cop of out "oh but I was only kidding." That's puerile and not a way to partake in a mature confrontation. He needs to cut that out, stat.
Really nice blog this is and a great way to know the things which is necessary to know,great job you did. <a href="http://ppireclaims247.co.uk/payment-protection-insurance-claims"> read more </a>