Relationships
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Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Working it out: Update
So FI and I have been on the mend since our fight over the woman he was texting. He has not been in contact with her as far as I know and I have chosen to believe (or at least try to) that he meant nothing by texting her. He is a very open and friendly individual and makes friends easily so it's possible. After he woke up and saw me crying one night I think he realized that what he was doing was hurting me more than I have shown. The next morning he was hugging me and kissing promising that he would treat me better. And he has, it's been a little bit of a stutter but we are making progress. I feel good about our mend but I am still conflicted about the woman. I am still not 100% sure that I believe there was no intent on his part, as much as I want to believe him. But I don't want to bring her up anymore either as it just causes tension and I am not sure that I don't believe him either... It's just confusing. I guess my question here is how do I get past this and just accept it for what it is (or isn't depending)? How do we, as women, show them that what they have at home is so much better than what could be out there? How do we make it clear without suffocating them that there are boundaries that should not be crossed and lines that should not be blurred? How do I prove that I do want to trust him and make him see that he needs to earn it in order for that to happen without offending him? And see the thing is you guys here are only getting a small glimpse into my relationship and it is the negative aspect, but there are so many good things about it too. And I know I look needy, and jealous on here but I'm really not. I am so busy throughout the day between my job and kids that when I do get to see him I want so badly for it to be a time we focus on us. He just gets so wrapped up in TV or the computer or his phone or hanging out with friends that I drift to the background. He thinks that because we have the rest of our lives together that there is always going to be time for us. How do I make him see that the rest of our lives is now, because tomorrow or even the next few minutes are never really guaranteed? I know we are working on it but any advice is extremely helpful 
Re: Working it out: Update
Why are you trying so desperately to ignore this glaring red flag? Of course you don't trust him, he hasn't give you an reason to. Follow your gut here. Don't just believe you trust him because it's painful to evaluate whether or not you want a future with a man you really don't trust.
You are making this all about YOU and how you prove that you trust him, but really he's the one who should be proving to you that he is trust worthy and I don't see any of that in your post. What has he done to earn your trust? You have no idea if he is still communicating with her.
I think the issue with the woman along with your feelings of being in the background are huge red flags here. Why you are okay with the treatment this man is giving you? Are you in individual counseling? I think that'd be a great place to start as it seems you might need a boost in your self confidence. And also a man who respects you.
Hes so friendly and makes friends so easily???
Wow.
What you do: SHOW HIM THE DOOR.
It is not okay for him to be "friends" with any woman in an appropriate manner. This friend is no friend.
How many times do we have to say it??? He's spelling it out fo you clear as day: this is an affair!
You're doing nothing but making excuses for him, which is the same thing as being in denial.
The worm is in the apple. He's cheated and has cheating on his mind. That it looks like everything's fine means nothing. He could go out and get another phone, one you do not know about, and continue his bullshit --- and don't elimiate the possibility that he's been sexual with her in person; the possibility exists.
He is ONLY your FI.
It's a cut and dried thing for you to say goodbye and call off the wedding. You avoided a divorce, paying out a divorce retainer to an attorney and you avoided the trauma of a divorce.
All you have to do is cancel the party and cancel the officiant. Minor indeed compared to what a divorce will cost you, money wise and emotionally.
Dump this bum and do it now. he is showing you loud and clear he wishes NOT to get married; he is not ready for a lifelong binding and legal commitment.
My goodness...this very friendly guy IS a problem, isn't he...
Why is he NOT interested in you?
Because he is getting his ELSEWHERE!!!!!
Before you got engaged it very well could have been that this relationship was over. IT HAPPENS; nothing you can do about it.
For your sake and for the child's, get away from this guy as fast as you can. This is another indicator that this guy is not for you, to put it politely.
You also can't fix what is broken.
Willing to bet this relationship ran its course months ago; somehow you and he decided to get engaged: why? Because it was the next thing to do? Because you and he were dating each other x months and that's what people expected: for you and him to get engaged?
he's telling you loud and clear -- in this post and in prior ones, like the one from June that I reposted -- that he does NOT want to get married. Why do you want a guy who is not marriage material?
(and a dime says he was not getting drunk with friends; he was off with this other woman somewhere. The evidence is there, loud and clear)
Who has zero respect for you
Lies to you
Puts you on a shelf
Has no interest in intimacy with you or sex with you
AND you want to marry a guy who chats up other women and in a way that is NOT appropriate for a soon to be married man.
WHY?
Honestly? In eight years with my husband I have NEVER had to do this. All of the successful marriages and relationships I have personally observed work because both people appreciate one another, both people understand and respect boundaries. It isn't something you can teach or force on someone.
Most of all, you can't make someone respect you when you are constantly showing them you don't respect yourself. Any woman who knew her own worth would not put up with this. Would not try to bury it under the rug or pretend it didn't exist or try to force herself to ignore her instincts and better judgment to trust a man who is untrustworthy. Even if he is the hottest, richest man on the face of the planet and he cums cristal he doesn't respect you or make you feel loved. You feel insecure, needy and desperate. Because you are insecure, needy and desperate and you don't love yourself enough to want to be better than that. How can you expect him to love and respect you when you do not love and respect yourself?
And who needs a guy who cannot be trusted???
This relationship is over, just based on the fact you cannot trust him.
If you're worth anything at all and if you have even one shred of self-preservation and pride left in your body, you'll get rid of this piece of garbage.
See an attorney and make sure you get child support from him -- if you own property or you have joint assets, you'll need one anyway.
Three years ago I felt so many of the emotions that you're describing with my ex. You feel like you need to prove to him you're enough, he makes you feel clingy and desperate, and he makes you feel that you can't trust him, but turns the situation back on you. These are blaring warning signs to me. Even before I knew my ex-fiance cheated I felt the way you are feeling. Whether its woman's intuition or our hearts screaming at us, I think you know what you should do. You two definitely need some kind of counseling if you are going to make it out of this. HE needs to make the effort, not just you trying to scrounge up the pieces of his mess.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, no one deserves it. I can't even imagine how it feels to have a child with him, but you really do deserve better. You deserve a guy that will make you feel that you deserve the world, not that you're worthless. I'm sure you love him and sometimes he makes you think that he's a great guy, but try to put yourself and your child first and make the best decision for you.
And not only think you are awesome but hotter than a fuse, also?
Be with a man who wants YOU and only you in every way. These men do exist, in case ya haven't heard.
YUP.
Agreed!
I think that you should be very careful, OP. If you are constantly having to worry about him, how can you have a good relationship?
One of my best friends is dating a guy who acts like yours. He actively pursued another woman and yes, it did become physical. Not only did my friend stay with him, she found a way to blame herself. This was a few years ago and they are still together. He still hangs out with other women, texts them, etc., and is insistent that they're just "friendships." She says that she doesn't feel that he loves her, but she believes she can't leave him. I don't want anyone else to end up in a situation like that.
If he is truly repentant, he will do whatever it takes to regain your trust. IMO, he has no right to be offended by anything you ask, your boundaries, or your low level of trust. HE wronged you, not the other way around.
"How do we, as women, show them that what they have at home is so much better than what could be out there?"
If he really wants you, you shouldn't have to do anything else but be yourself. If you're constantly trying too hard, it's not worth it.