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Baby or no baby?
DH and I can't decide if we want to have kids. There are some days when I want a baby and some days when I don't and I don't know what to do! DH is definitely the same way. I think if anything, he would do whatever I wanted, as he's more on the side of not wanting kids, but would be happy with them if that's what I want.
I used to be fairly certain I wanted kids (when we were first engaged and planning the wedding and going through premarital counselling), but now more and more I'm leaning towards the no side of things. I have medical issues that could be passed down to any children we have naturally (50/50 chance, which is huge). I can go for testing while in early pregnancy (6-8 weeks) to find out if the baby does indeed have the same disorder and then we can decide how we want to proceed from there (i.e. keep the baby or have an abortion). But the thought of having to make that choice scares the crap out of me.
Plus, we both really like our life right now - we have money to travel and enjoy life and the minute we have kids, that will go out the window. I'm just not sure if we're done enjoying our DINK's life or if this is a bigger thing. I am a very logical person, so when I sit down and think about money and daycare and diapers and such, I don't think it makes sense, but emotionally I know that we could make it work.
Because of my health issues, there was a long period of time when I thought I would never have kids (teenager to late 20s). And I think that kind of prepped me for not wanting any - if I know I can't have them, why bother even wanting them, right? And then when we found out about this testing just a couple years ago, it seemed like more of a possibility, but it's still not ideal.
I would love some unbiased opinions on how you decided whether or not to have kids. Everyone around me is biased - my friends want me to have kids as they have kids and want play dates and such; and my mom is dead set on having grandkids.
Re: Baby or no baby?
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That's a really tough question and I can totally see how you would battle back and forth on something like that.
I obviously can't tell you how to feel or what to do, but as someone who has always wanted kids (like I'm seriously baby crazy. I love them so much), getting into the working world and seeing couples who DON'T have kids has completely opened my eyes to why people would choose not to have kids. My coworkers without children aren't nearly as tired, they seem to stress out a lot less, and they do all kinds of fun things that parents aren't able to do. I still would like to have kids someday, but I've definitely realized the benefits of not having kids and am looking forward to enjoying time with my hubby alone for these next few years before we take that step.
The health concerns, though I obviously don't understand the details of that, would make it a more difficult decision too. It seems like you made it through okay, and it could be a lot worse than 50%. Plus with medicine advancing the way it does, it might not be something to worry about too much?
Don't let your friends or parents influence your decision. Having a baby will change YOUR life a lot more than it will impact theirs. Do what you and your husband feel best about. Good luck!!
TTC since June 2012
Can you hold off for a couple more years and just enjoy life before desiding? After a couple years enjoying life you may decide you are ready to take the plunge into possible parenthood. Plus you can also have a child without you actually birthing one. You could also enjoy being single so much (plus the health risks) that being just husband and wife is the way to go.
I can't understand what your going through. I can tell this is one of the most difficult desisions for you two to make. Don't let anyone pressure you. Your situation is different from your friends. Do your friends and family realize how difficult this is for you two? If not maybe that knowledge would get them to back off.
Whatever you decide will be the right desission.
Obviously hold off for right now since you are not sure.
TBH, after you last post in which you disclosed you had a genetic medical deal, I had kind of wondered if that was playing into the kid thing at all. Not that I think either way is right or wrong, I was just curious. I don't know the details of your medical issues so I can't say exactly what I would do. If it were something that might cause my child an immense amount of suffering I don't think I would take the risk.
On the flip side, having a kid isn't the end of fun times in your life. H and I still manage to take a short trip every few months. We cloth diapered to cut expenses. We are fortunate to not need daycare. If you can swing no daycare, kids really aren't that expensive until they get to school and start needing things for that, start sports or activities that cost money, etc.
You don't have to make a final decision right now, unless you are looking at H getting a vasectomy, so just wait it out awhile longer. Talk to your H, go over how it would effect your situation and go from there.
THIS
I personally have always loved kids and am totally getting baby fever now. But from reading your post you sound like you're loving life and if you're unsure of having kids, don't do what you think everyone else expects of you. Wait a few years and see how you feel then!
TTC since March 2012
BFP 3/14/13!!!
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Thanks everyone! I think we've definitely decided to hold off for now and enjoy our life as is for the next year or so.
Regarding my genetic condition - I have a rare cranio-facial syndrome called Crouzon's. Rare enough that few doctors have heard of it. It is essentially where the bones of the skull/face don't fuse together properly in-utero and the baby is born disfigured. I was born with what is considered a fairly mild form of it, but I've had countless surgeries throughout my life that are essentially plastic surgery to my skull and face. The surgeries when I was a baby and teen were absolutely necessary for regular development and such (to ensure my brain growth wasn't affected, I could breathe, eat, etc.). Then later on in life, many surgeries were more cosmetic (but covered by our health care system due to the genetic condition) - things like fat injections for symmetry, rhinoplasty and cheek implants - I can go on!
But considering that I have a mild form and I just finished surgery at the age of 31, it can be quite a thing to knowingly burden a child with (obviously my parents didn't know). Plus, crouzon's can come with many other issues, like metal disabilities, potential blindness and other physical issues (I had seizures when I was younger, which they think is caused by crouzon's). I am very lucky in the sense that I look almost as normal as anyone else, but most people with crouzon's never get to that point, so it's a huge mental/emotional burden too, on top of the physical side with surgeries and what not.
My mom is playing the whole "what if we had known and didn't have you" card, but I try to tell her it's different. I know how hard it was for her watching her child go through this and I know how hard it was for me growing up, but to knowingly put my child through that and to be the parent that feels both pains - the thought is unbearable.
I just want to say- I am on the "not wanting kids" side of the fence. I love our life, I don't really like kids, and I like freedom and yes, money. I think for me personally, if a genetic factor like that played into it I would be even more against it. And who knows, maybe you will decide you want kids in a few more years, and that will be ok too.
Please don't let your mom keep making these comments to you. My mom hasn't made a ton of comments, but you can trust I would be super pissed and let her know it if she tried that.
I'm kind of sort of in the same boat as you except I never had a strong desire to have kids. The only reason I ever think about it is because society/family/friends pressure us so much to do so! I have a health issue, but it's iffy if they would develop MS too. Nobody else in my family has this but me, so sometimes I wonder if they even diagnosed me correctly. I was told I could get worse due to the physical stress of having a baby, but so far I only had one major episode. I guess I'm scared in the back of my mind that it would disable me and I would not be able to work or have the life I have now.
I'm also super paranoid and think this world is filled with so many bad things that I don't even want to bring a kid into it.
I'm also the same as you - logical - diapers, daycare, etc is not cheap although we could probably make it. I would not want to burden my parents with babysitting all day while we are working too. They have their own lives and I don't think it's fair to do that to them.
We like our lives now too and I am already super busy, so I can't even imagine how I would spend time with a kid. I already felt like I was a "bad doggie mama" when I had to go off to law school in a different state and my parents watched my dog while I was there. I cried a lot and felt like I could never give enough. So if I had a baby to boot - man, I would probably really lose it! :-)
All in all, we can't let others dictate for us what we don't feel is right. Most of my regrets in life were making decisions based on what everyone else wanted for me rather than just making my decision based on what I wanted for me. I won't make that mistake again and I hope you don't either.
Thanks everyone. We're definitely putting babies on hold for now and we'll re-evaluate down the road. Once I made that decision I felt so much better!
@Olywillis - We are two peas in a pod! I hate leaving our cats, even for a few days.