Our tech team has launched updates to The Nest today. As a result of these updates, members of the Nest Community will need to change their password in order to continue participating in the community. In addition, The Nest community member's avatars will be replaced with generic default avatars. If you wish to revert to your original avatar, you will need to re-upload it via The Nest.
If you have questions about this, please email help@theknot.com.
Thank you.
Note: This only affects The Nest's community members and will not affect members on The Bump or The Knot.
Need some insights
Hi! New member here...
Well... after not even one month from our wedding, I get the "I am too tired" whenever I make a move. He works shifts, so sometimes he comes back late at night, or works at night, and he schedules time with his friends when he is not working in the evenings, either by himself or with me too. I tried suggesting we schedule some time to be toghether, otherwise everything else gets in the way, he replies every time that sex should be spontaneous and not scheduled, and that I turn him off everytime I talk about it. I am starting to be very frustrated and sad... Now we are thinking where we to go away for a few days in August, and he wants to invite a friend couple and his sister's family with us... Help, please, I am getting sadder and sadder
Re: Need some insights
If he's tired there is nothing I can do to turn him on. Really, nothing - he just pushes me away telling he needs to sleep. And he doesn't like to hear a set number - like, if I tell him I'd like to do it 2x a week, he says it's not a contest, it's not like we have to check a list...
Don't know, I made a mistake in marrying this guy because he's too cool for me and he has better things to do than staying with me...
And it's not even a month! I sound like we got married 40 years ago!
Sorry but that's crap - you guys are married and he has a responsibility to you and your needs/wants/desires. That doesn't mean that his friends and family disappear BUT when your marriage needs nurturing, he has an obligation to that FIRST. I would insist that this weekend away in August is for the two of you and no one else. If he gives you a hard time - "Mr. Chirico - our personal life, specifically our sex life, is lacking and you have a responsbility to work on that with me. This aspect of our relationship needs to be nourished now and that won't happen if we do a get-away with friends and family. I expect you will be on board with this. If not, I will not attend." Same deal when it comes to your sex life at home, he needs to do his part too. Every other off day, he's at home with you, not out with friends.
I have to ask - did you know this going in? Furthermore, have you had a conversation with him about what his expectations are of you as his wife, i.e. "You sit a home all day and take care of our home while I'm out with my buddies." No boss, not the way it works. You guys need to have a serious conversation about what roles you expect to play in each others lives. This should have been hashed out prior to marrying but there's nothing you can do about that now.
He needs to meet you at least halfway -- twice a week would be great.
And he needs to make sure you are happy. This is what it's all about: making sure your partner is happy and satisfied with your entire marriage and that includes the bedroom department.
I would say NO to having any other people along on the trip. perhaps in the future but not this time. This is your trip, too. Tell him nobody else is coming along.
Well, the Aug part might be solved - we talked about it yesterday - but not really the rest.
It was not like this at all at the beginning. He used to make time for me every day, even if he was tired, and he would even give up doing stuff with his friends to be with me.
I am not complaining he has no time for home chores or other stuff we should do as a couple. He has no time FOR ME! Yesterday for example we were out the whole day, we went to put some new furniture to our beach house, then came back home, and he sat in front of the television while I was ironing, and started complaining how he didn't get any rest on Sun. Excuse me, I didn't get any rest either, and I have to be at work at 8 am, while he works from 10 pm tonight, so has more than enough time to rest. So after dinner, I just went to bed and he stayed in front of the television for another while.
I guess that's the point: he wants to do everything, and be with me at the end of everything else, But of course at that point either he is too tired or I am already sleeping, since I always have to wake up early. And I am not talking about I am going to sleep at 9. I try to wait for him, sometimes until 12 or 1 am!
Sorry may be I am confusing, but I really don't know what to do without him getting angry at me...
My H doesn't like to really talk about it either, especially because every time we do we end up in a big fight. I think two things are going on in my relationship that could be going on in yours:
1) he really is tired, and he might not be great at organizing his schedule to get sleep and do what he wants. If he really refuses to talk to you about this, I would start to wonder if there's more to it than just tiredness. Maybe there's an underlying physical problem?
2) do you ever turn him down if he initiates it? It sounds so counterproductive, but recently I started turning my H down if I had other things to do - just like he was to me. All of a sudden, he started feeling like it was something he had to make time for, not just something that revolved around just him. My H described it as "the chase" again, which he finds fun.
This makes me really sad. You sound like you don't have a lot of confidence in yourself. You should never feel like he's "too cool for you" or has "better things to do than staying with you." No, no. You should be the most important thing in his life. I agree with the other posters who said it sounds like something more serious is going on. If he isn't even willing to talk to you about it, that means he has no desire to fix this and it is a serious problem. I would try talking to him again, and if that still doesn't work, tell him this really might be a deal-breaker. It's not fair to you.
Huh? So you "can't" discuss your feelings or concerns with your husband? Do you realize how crazy that sounds? Tell him - "If I have a problem, WE have a problem." This is what I meant by discussing your roles as husband and wife. What's his role in your life, as your husband? He seems unsupportive, stubborn, and self-absorbed. Are supposed to just be along for the ride? I'm sorry, I'm not trying to be too harsh on you, but you have to nut up and let him know that this is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. Because the alternative ain't much better.
I was having similar problems with my H for years. I got excuses all the times but he was present in all other areas of our relationship. Just our intimacy issues made me feel very sad and undesirable.
He finally went to the doctor for a check up and had his testosterone tested and it was super low! Low T causes men to have lack of sex drive, lack of motivation, easily frustrated, etc.
He has started the supplement to bring his T up, so *crosses fingers*. After "googling" low T, I have found a lot of women who felt the same way I do and this was the same reason with their husbands too.
Might be worth looking into for your H. It is a sensitive subject with men and them not meeting your sexual needs.