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Police wives/girlfriends/fiances HELP!
So my fiance is a police officer and he's on a special unit which means he works CRAZY hours! I'm a photography student so he is the only one bringing in income right now. He also works a part time police job somewhere else so he is constantly working (or so it would seem). We got into an argument tonight because he has had to work 3 doubles and a random night at his part time job this week and I'm getting really fed up with his job. I know I have to deal with it because I am in love with him but I just don't know how to cope with being upset or angry when he tells me he got stuck at work or has to work his part time. He is my best friend so if I need to vent, of course, I go to him. I feel like that's why, when he randomly tells me he has to work, I go off on him. His job really does overwork him and I feel like they walk all over him too which makes me mad. My three closest friends all moved out of state after high school and got married and had kids so I don't really have anyone to talk to that often since they're all super busy... not to mention I have a son so he keeps me busy. My son keeps me busy but I still find myself constantly thinking about my fiance... and then I get upset and frustrated. I'm not sure if this post even made any sense and I'm not really sure what I'm looking for but if you're a police wife, girlfriend, or fiance I could really use whatever words of wisdom or advice you can throw my way. Thanks! 
Re: Police wives/girlfriends/fiances HELP!
Being the wife of a cop is pretty much identical to being a physician's wife. a military wife of a guy who is deployed or the wife of any body who has a spouse that works odd odd hours -- i.e. -- NOT a 9 to 5 job. And there are many non 9 to 5 jobs out there: musicians, certain skilled workers to name a few.
In our lab, there was a shift that ran 5 pm to 7 am on Thursday, Saturday from 4pm until 7 am and then on Sunday from 4pm until 7 am.
Those were the hours -- and it was suggested that somebody single and unattached work those hours, for obvious reasons.:)
What you are seeing now is how it will be once you are married.
You can:
Find something to do during the "down time" when your spouse is not at home -- take up a hobby, find something to do with your son, volunteeer somewhere or maybe find a side job yourself
Or you can ask yourself "Can I really hack these long odd hours?" and if you cannot, do yourself, and him a favor and go your separate way.
Remember: being a law enforcement officer's spouse can be stressful and taxing emotionally. You continually worry about his or her safety.
Maybe postponing the wedding for a good clip of time will help -- so that you can get acclimated to his being gone long hours. see if that would be a suggestion or something that would help. GL.
PS: you still need to branch out and get something to do: volunteer, join a club, take up a sport, etc. -- anything that will get you out there and get you into making some new friends.:)
You cope by not getting into arguments over something he can't help. You do not go off on him. You can get your point across without turning it into an argument. If you can't then him working hours upon hours isn't the problem. It's the communication on your part that is the problem.
Cope by telling him you are upset and it sucks he is working. But you hope he has a great day and you guys will spend sometime together when you can. Then you go off and do things to keep you occupied/happy. If you cannot find one ounce of happiness in your day because your fiance has to work late then this is also an issue.
Being a navy wife not only did I have to put up with him working ridiculous hours but times when he was gone for over a month. Also times when he would just have to go out at sea with only a weeks notice. It sucks. It made me sad. But I learned to deal without making it seem like I blamed my husband.
My husband works in corrections, so I understand where you are coming from. However, he has no control over is hours. Yelling at him is just going to cause problems.
As pp have mentioned, you need to find things to do. Also, you cannot rely on him for your happiness.
Chronically hilarious - you'll split your stitches!
I wrote a book! Bucket list CHECK!
http://notesfortheirtherapist.blogspot.co.uk
**Lurking in from The Bump**
You need to find things that you enjoy doing, you can't put your entire happyness based on whether or not he is home. You need to find a job, hobby, SOMETHING, to enjoy for you. He cannot control his hours. If he works for a department similar to mine, for overtime they start with the most seniored, if no one wants it they start at the bottom of the list and force you to work, no matter what the reason you don't want to work the OT is, too bad, so sad.
My uncle is a police officer and my aunt and him have been married for over 25 years. That is rare when you have a SO working with hours such as a police officer, doctor, military, etc. He had to work nights/weekends/holidays/overtime, etc. When she would get invited to weddings or parties or whatever and he had to work, she made the decision she would go and still be social. You have a choice, you can either put your life on hold everytime he is at work, or you can create a life for yourself, too. Now, if on his off time he commits time to every one else BUT you, then I would be ticked too. However, he still has friends and other family too in the small amount of time he has off.
I was a military wife and now I am a civilian police wife. The transition has been hard because my husband is the newby again which also means no time off period for a year. I am a planner so it has made life difficult. On the other hand I am use to the schedule you talk about above. Honestly it is hard but you have to make it work if it is important. The time you both have off make it special but having a date night by yourselves sometimes and other times having a family night. And during those times do not focus on the bad just the positive unless an issue happens that day. Also talk to him about the schedule, does he work that much because of finances because you are in school or just because he wants to. If it is the first one you really have to deal with it until you are making money. If it is the second one than you need to talk to him about making family a priority (I had to do that).
Goodluck!
you are not married, he works all the time and you dont work?
I think maybe you should get some sort of job to produce income so he doesnt have to work so much .
I come from a military family (Navy Brat) and a couple of my closest friends are from military families. It takes a special woman to be married to someone in the military, police, firefighter, etc. I could not do it because I am not strong enough. I hated being away from my father and the crazy hours growing up. Of the 7 married couples that had a spouse in the military (that I am close with) only one is divorced (and the divorce was due to a psycho wife).
Find yourself a part time job in photography if you can. It would give you great experience and give you something to do. The less time you have to sit, worry, stress, be lonely the better off you will be.
Don't nag and b*tch at him constantly about his crazy hours (but you have every right to feel bad). It doesn't make either of you feel good and doesn't change anything. Maybe tell him how happy you are to see him when he is around instead. I bet he would feel good to know how happy you are when he spends time with you since time is limited. A smile, hug and kiss after a long day/ night can go a long way.
I absolutely agree. I'm speaking from the other side of the coin. I am actually the one in law enforcement and my DH has a regular 9-5. I can tell you now, when you are in this line of work, you have to have a very understanding partner. The hours are CRAZY and he will often miss holidays, birthdays, family events, etc. Crime doesn't take a break on holidays. You need to decide now if this is something you can deal with BEFORE you decide to marry him because you'll be dealing with this for at least the next 20 years. If you know you're not the type that can deal with it, it's best to cut the ties now. He doesn't need the constant b!tching and nagging from you at home (don't mean that to be as harsh as it sounds) and then have to go to work and deal with the crazies. He doesn't need the stress at home AND work. Trust me, he's frustrated too when he has to miss events, holidays, and can't spend quality time with loved ones when he wants. Cops have a really high divorce rate and a major contributing factor is this exact thing. Seriously think about this before marrying him. Luckily for me I have a very patient DH and we don't have kids. I can see where it could be extremely frustrating and stressful when kids are involved because he will often miss major milestones because of work. I know you love him but love is often not enough when you're married to a cop. Sorry to sound so harsh but this is the reality of what comes with the job.
I can't speak to the law enforcement aspect of this but...
If he's working two jobs and you're working none, you really have no right to complain about how much he's working. Get a job so he's not doing extra hours at a side job on top of his already daunting work schedule.
I don't understand not working because you're student. I worked two jobs through college and grad school. So did most people I know. There are plenty of jobs that will be flexible around a class schedule and still allow you to bring in some income. I can understand not wanting to work and go to school because of the time you miss with your son, but then you really need to suck it up and let your fiancee work. Or end things and find someone else with a lifestyle more suited to your wants and needs.
Hi. DH is a commercial airline pilot for a major carrier so he is gone weird hours and random days. We are coming up on six years married in August. We have two kids who are 2 and under.
1. I knew DH's career choice before I married him. There were no surprises so I knowingly signed myself up for this schedule. Since you two are engaged, if this is truly going to be a nightmare for you, then maybe you need to reconsider marriage. Knowing what you are headed into with a spouse is pretty significant.
2. Knowing DH's schedule would be weird, then marrying him, and then saying to him that I hated his career would not have been fair AT ALL. DH's uncle (also a pilot or another airline) had this happen to him with his wife and they are divorced. This is my choice, so I'd better stick with him and suck up my feelings when he has to dash out at 4:30am.
3. Finding a guy with a regular schedule doesn't make life easier. Just ask a wife married to a 9-5er. You may change the schedule, but you will have a whole new host of problems.
4. Making him feel bad about the hours he is working to support your creativity will only build resentment. He IS giving you a GIFT! Cherish it or as PP's stated work so he can take some time off.
This....especially since it sounds like he's also supporting someone else's son.
I think we (as PD wives and so on) can all relate to frustration with odd hours/shifts and working opposite schedules. It is tough. My husband is PD and works night shifts, late weeks. I'm at the point in my career where I'm now on a more normal schedule, but we still seem to only get one or two days off together a week. It is frustrating, but we have learned the importance of making the most of that time that we do have together. We do our best to spend that day off doing something fun and we save chores for our other days off.
Before I met my husband, I was in my first few years of nursing and was working 12 hour over-nights. What was frustrating and often ended short-lived relationships was the other person being on "normal" schedule and having no concept or understanding of how hard those hours are and that I was often tired. Since I have moved to an earlier shift, I do get annoyed with Jared being on nights sometimes, but I keep in mind that he is happy with that shift and his coworkers (as we all like jobs better when we like our coworkers).
Lastly, Jared and I have talked about this one a few times. If we do have an issue that we need to deal with, we put it off until we are both off, if possible. Officer safety goes beyond their training. I don't want to unload something pretty stupid or random on him right before work, then have him distracted all night. Distracted officer could mean he doesn't see something potentially dangerous coming down. So if I can table my issue until the weekend in order to keep him coming home in the morning, I'll do it.
Good Luck to you! I completely sympathize and you will be a more patient person for learning to work around this crazy schedule!
I totally understand where you are coming from. My husband has been a police officer almost two years now. While in the academy he worked as a security guard for a casino because he had class all day. I hated it because I never saw him. Now with him being a police officer it didn't get easier..the shifts stink especially the midnights which he has Been on since we got married a month ago. It sucks being alone when I go home at night..it's also hard when they have to miss special events. I tell myself I knew what I was getting into but that doesn't make it easier. I agree with the other post that you have to try to avoid fights which is hard for me too. The thing that gets me through it it knowing he loves his job and that he and every other police officer are truly heros. I was so proud when at his police awards last Feb he was awarded officer of the year on his first year! I find it important to have close friends and stay close with my family. I'm still adjusting too though. Good luck and God bless.
Jordan
It is really nice to see there are other police wives that go through the same thing that you do. So you've taken the first step by asking for help. My husband and I have been together for 5 years but we just got married in March. We met in college and back then (like most young college students) wasn't sure exactly what he wanted his career to be. So we fell in love and I was hooked when he decided he wanted to be a police officer. It has taken a TON of compromise, love, and patience for the both of us but each day is a little better.
The most annoying thing I have found is that basically every police wife usually tells you to "suck it up" for lack of better words. That isn't really something you want to hear when you've been feeling overwhelmed with police wife. What I have found is spending more time with my family and friends really helps. Taking up hobbies helps. Do your best to spend time with him when he is home but when he is working whatever you do DONT ISOLATE yourself. I made that mistake and it was very depressing
One thing that helps me is knowing that if my husband is worrying about me then he isn't focusing on his job and THAT will cause him to possibly get hurt more easily. He has got to be focused when he goes to work. And you need to remember that. You have to remember that he is trained and he can handle himself. He is trained to know how to protect himself so you worrying constantly just causes him to become unfocused and that is dangerous for a police officer.
Just breathe and know you're not alone. But the user who posted about building a life for yourself while he is at work is absolutely right. Spend time with loved ones and do things that make you happy to stay busy and when he is home be with him. And remember that on his days off there are also a LOT of other people that want to see him. Designate one night a month if you can to just have a "date". No phones, no other people, just the two of you.
Best of luck form one police wife to another!