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Apples to Oranges
I think I might've stuck my big foot in my big mouth...again.
DH and I fight quite a bit. It's not something I'm proud of. The fights are stupid and dirty. They can be about anything: I remember a marathon screaming match about the dishes. I know I do my fair share of histrionics and it makes him pound his chest even more. I usually storm out to keep them from escalating and I tendency to get chatty. HUGE mistake. There really isn't anyone else to talk to because over our 7 year relationship, I've burned my bridges with quite a few family members and friends regarding our relationship/marriage by running my mouth.
In fact, my father apparently walked up to my aunt and said something along the line of "we need to be there for her when (not if) this doesn't work out". This from the man who's been cheating on his wife (my stepmom) since the mid 90s and brags to my husband about it at family gatherings.
One of my bridesmaids grumbled something under her breath but not so under her breath during the speeches and left really early.
About a year ago, right before our wedding we took in a couple of friends--DH's high school buddy and his gf. The gf and I grew very close and I couldn't help but to lean on her for support--she was sleeping in my living room! They've since moved out and gotten a place about 10 blocks away. They are just sooooo perfect. Black and white pics of them snuggling together in bed and gazing into each other's eyes are a staple on her facebook page. He's out of town for work 4 days out of the week and they are constantly sending messages back and forth full of schmaltz and kissy faces. I'm a little jealous.
Well now every time I say something to her about DH, she gives me a nice long speech about how her and her bf do things. That he's constantly showering her with praise, they never fight, they have a joint bank account (many of our fights have been about who's not doing what financially), and that they feel like the luckiest people in the world for having found each other and tell each other every day.
I came to DH suggesting that we do the same things. He agreed to the joint bank account. He's been helping more around the house and over the past couple of days thanked me for taking care of him (he's recovering from a work injury) and told me I was amazing. We've been doing great--um--physically (pardon the TMI) but he's getting sick of the suggestions. His arguments: I'm on some "high school sh*t" about the cuddle time (but he'll try to do it more often), he's trying to change and stop comparing ourselves to other couples.
I tried to do some bragging about the little things he's done and the responses have been "He better do a lot more than that!".
I don't know why I need so much approval from others about MY marriage. I should have just kept my damn mouth shut.
Re: Apples to Oranges
You need counseling, simply because you have 2 different styles of handling an issue.
You need to learn how to settle an issue without screaming yelling and a whole lot of Technicolor bullshit. Counseling, stat -- and make it a must for him that he attend jointly with you. If he cares about you and your marriage, he will go.
Don't believe eveyrthing a friend says. I guarantee you there are fights -- or if there truly are none, I will bet you that the 2 of them sweep the problem under the rug and gloss it over or they are ignoring the problem that is there. Bad news in both cases; not a healthy way to handle things.
If the fighting went on long before you were married, you both were better off calling it a day and moving on. Where's the stability here? Where's the means of communicating like 2 full grown adults? If you haven't go that, you haven't got much to build on for the future.
And once you are married, your money and his money is OUR money. I suggest a financial planner; subscribe to some of those money mags, like Smart Money. Good tips for every day schlubs like us who work for a living.:)
PS: I am floored by the fact that your H missed his sister's wedding... he didn't KNOW?!
My husband--who was supposed to walk his sister down the aisle and dance with her for the father daughter dance while a slideshow of pics from their late father played--isn't coming. I will have to store this in my "I told you so" bank. Her wedding is on a Friday. I made the invitations. He didn't notice. I came home a little ticked that my boss needed to know why I need that day off (I'm a teacher). He didn't notice. I cracked wise with his family at a BBQ about all three siblings (including us) having Friday weddings because they're cheaper. He didn't notice. He noticed 10 days before the big day and the day after his promotion and raise. Of course his boss looked at him like he had two heads. On top of that, their workload has gotten crazy lately.
Where I come from, a sibling's wedding is a must. And it's not like this was some kind of whackall last minute thing where your sis and her FI rounded up an officiant and did it spur of the monent with nobody there but 2 witnesses or this was a destination wedding at some real far away place that cost an arm and a leg to attend and he could not afford even the jet fare.:(
He needs to 'splain and 'splain in a hurry on this one. His sis must be crushed...and livid as hell. Wow, I'm sure sorry about this one...:(
It's still very strange he's got some kind of attention deficit when it came to a must attend event.:(
For the sake of your marriage and the little kiddo, you guys have to rectify the problem. Get a counselor in on this immediately.
Oh, he won't do that. He doesn't want to let some "quack" tell us what to do. I used to go to therapy all the time (I need to do that again for my own sanity) and DH would go on and on about how I'm throwing away money for something that's common sense.
In fact I just brought it up just now and he exploded. "We're not little kids; we don't need somebody telling us what to do" "The only problem with our relationship is that you want to keep fixing something that's not broken".
Then this will not fix itself on its own. it's not magically going to go away.
That he will not go to therapy tells me a lot. It tells me that he doesn't care what happens to the both of you and what happens to your family.
Is there anybody at all whose opinion he values -- a third party -- that can slap some sense into his head? Is there anybody who can make him see the light on this?
If he won't go to therapy with you I don't see much hope for either of you. I don't want to tell you to pack it in right now but you sure can't go on with the way things are.
and your son will pick up on this, even if the fighting and disagreements do not happen in his presence. Kids know when something is wrong and things are not right -- this is doing him irreparable damage.
You guys look so happy in all of those photos. Despite all the fighting and puffing out chests and disagreements that need to be rectified, I say he still loves you. There's got to be somebody who can talk to him and get him to see what the real story is and that he has to go to counseling with you.
His whole speech is "doctors don't care about you; they care about money". My "fat doctor" (PCP who also specialized in obesity) just wants to collect from me. My shrink isn't tell me anything I don't know but is getting a big fat check. He's always felt that way. If he hadn't gotten injured at work, he'd never see a doctor, period.
Doing this will only make him look like a jerk, and make people question your relationship. I realize you need to vent every once in a while, but a constant stream of complaints to anyone and everyone is not a good plan. Perhaps over time if you stop this people will forget some, but you can't unsay all the things you already said. You two have a lot of things you need to work on together and individually.
Let me just say this. From the outside, some things can look perfect and I would know. I had friends who were together forever and whenever we (DH and I) would hang out with them, they were always so perfect and their lives were simple and I was envious. So I started looking at my relationship and comparing it to theirs. What I can tell you is stop doing that. Every relationship is different. Stop comparing and take a look at your own relationship and figure out what the problems are and try to fix them.
Oh and those friends that I envied, they got divorced. Little did I know that their marriage was nowhere near perfect and what I saw on the outside was nothing compared to how it truly was.
Suppose you point blank tell your H that if he does not comply with counseling asap he will lose you and the child for good?
And then you show him you mean business by indeed leaving if he says no???
Maybe this is a case like it is with a drunk who needs AA: he needs a rock bottom moment that will give him a hell of a wake up call -- and only then will he be on the bus with you to fix this marriage via counseling.
If he won't actively and enthusiastic fix this, along with you, I don't see much hope here for you, him or your marriage.
And you can't keep coming on like the proverbial bull in a china shop. Wow -- what happens between you and your H stays between the 2 of you.
You are thinking too much into it.
Just because your relationship doesn't look exactly like your friends' relationship doesn't mean it sucks and needs all kind of help.
Joint bank account is great. You should be on the same "team."
It seems to me like he is trying to help and compliment you ("He's been helping more around the house...thanked me for taking care of him...and he told me I was amazing").
I think is is more necessary that you go to a therapist/talk to someone about your own insecurities. A lot of this is in your head. (I have been in almost the same exact situation as you and have thought those same thoughts.) You need to understand that things don't always have to be exactly the way you expect them to be. So he doesn't want to cuddle as much as you do. You may have two different "love languages". It doesn't mean he doesn't like you! Some men just don't express their love as openly as others. It doesn't mean they don't love and care deeply for their spouses!
When I would feel like DH wasn't giving me enough affection, I would begin to think "oh he is not giving me any affection. He never likes to hug me. He must not like to be with me as much. Etc, etc, etc." It is a downward spiral in your mind that is making you crazy. He doesn't have to act exactly as you would expect him to act all the time. He has to be his own person and can't just do everything you want him to do.
You have to give him the chance to do these things on his own. If you always are coming at him saying, "I wish you would do more of this," and, "You don't give me enough of this," then he is going to get so tired of hearing that stuff that he never ever wants to do it, thus causing even more of a strain in the relationship.
When you feel that he isn't doing his part in the relationship, you don't need to shut down and get upset immediately. You keep giving it 100%. Treat him well. Give it a few days, maybe even a couple of weeks. THEN, if he STILL isn't doing what you feel you NEED him to do, then approach him about it. But it can't be an attack DH session. You have to have a grown up conversation. Try to figure out WHY you feel like you need more of whatever it is.
Good Luck! And don't be so hard on yourself!