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I think I'm at a breaking point with my mom
To try to make a long story short my mom has always taken a lot of things very personally, yet when it comes to others it seems like she sees everything as petty. I can listen to her vent for hours yet when I try to vent about something she seems annoyed and cuts the conversation short. She often talks down to me as though she thinks I don't understand. Recently it has gotten worse because she is sick with cancer. Though her cancer counts are going down and her doctor expects a full recovery.
I understand she is sick and I have let her vent and spent days with her when she needs company. I took her to her doctors appointment a few weeks ago and got up early with her and we drove down. Her new husband couldn't go because he picked up a shift and he met us there. She called today and asked if I could take her again and I said I would be starting 10 hours shifts soon but I might be able to, I then asked why her husband couldn't go and she said " he is getting concrete poured" I asked why he couldn't change the appointment seeing that this app is about 2 weeks away....!! She got a bit peeved and hung up to then just call back and say that I got defensive and that her husband loves her and it just got over looked. ERRMM I didn't say he didn't love you? I just tried to say I really don't mind taking you but this will be the second appointment he has lost.
Im also busy with doctor's appointment and work. Im about to go through some intensive testing and my family knows this, I just don't ever feel like they are emotionally supportive very much at all. They kind of just lecture me about health insurance and what I *should* do, when I already know what I should do.
I also feel caught in the middle of my younger brothers issues, he graduated high school and is trying to get classes but he's not having much luck. I feel like they are extremely hard on him while my step sister has not worked towards her drivers ed and is doing nothing with her life but somehow that is ok..I just feel frustrated and I'm not sure what to say, this has been going on awhile but theres really nothing I can say to her. Anytime I nicely try to bring up some things she literally flies off the handle and just gets upset and somehow always turns it back on me. Then will awkwardly and weirdly talk to me like Im 5 and say " Ok sweetie this is just how you are and I have to accept it and just walk on egg shells". She offered going to a therapy session together and I thought about it until I recalled as a child that when we did that and a therapist told her she needed to change something she got extremely upset and passive aggresive about it.
Re: I think I'm at a breaking point with my mom
I think that you are too enmeshed with your family and it's problems. It is very common that caregivers face burnout. Of course you want to support your mom, but you have your own life, too, and she has a husband who should be taking care of her!
If you are having problems of your own, as bad as the timing is, you need to separate yourself from your mom, not take all of her phone calls, and spend your time with people who nurture and support you.
Your brother is also a grown up (if he is a h.s. grad). He should be able to handle your mom's criticism on his own and stand up for himself. It's not your job to defend him. Of course you love him, but you don't need to inject yourself into his relationship with your mom!
I wouldn't bother with therapy with your mom. She has no interest in changing the relationship / dynamic between the two of you. You might benefit with some therapy for yourself, to help you maintain healthy boundries with your family and learning techniques for dealing with your mom.
Thank you for replying quickly. I think sometimes I just need neutral party to tell me its ok to be busy with my own life and my own struggles Im dealing with. I don't always want to be wrapped up in their drama but sometimes I feel bad just not doing anything or trying to help the situation. Its just getting to a point where sometimes I just can't handle the stupid( not saying they are stupid). for example them asking me for help with their younger kids and telling me I can "negotiate" with them on pay. They wanted to pay me 5 dollars an hour...
I think you need to learn that you CAN say "no". She has other support - it doesn't have to ALL fall to you. And she gets pissed? Let her. A part of the reason she reacts the way she does is that she knows it works - you (and probably many others) will feel guilty and will give in and do what she wants.
And I agree w/ SueBear - your brother is an adult. You need to let him figure this out for himself too. You can't fix everyone elses problems.
~Benjamin Franklin
DS dx with celiac disease 5/28/10
Wait, aren't you the same person who posted weeks / months ago about your mom assuming you would babysit, when your stepdad was available, and they didn't want to pay you? And you're STILL talking with these people?!?!
Your mom thinks your job is to take care of her, and to provide your stepdad with free time. Not sure if she has such a low opinion of all women, or just of you, but it's time that you took a break from your dysfunctional family.
If you are sick - take care of yourself! Don't even answer the phone when she calls. Let your H pick up or let it go to voicemail, then delete. Trust me, if your mom ends up on her deathbed, you will know that you have done A LOT for her!
Ditto ECB - Your mom is difficult and manipulative BECAUSE IT WORKS!!!
Please get some therapy for yourself (NOT with mom), so you can learn how to enforce boundries. You are definately too involved with your family for a grown woman. Your mom and her husband are adults - capable of taking care of each other AND THEIR CHILDREN. Your brother is old enough to fight his own battles.
STOP babysitting your step / half- siblings. They are NOT your responsibility. Yes, if your mom dies and her husband is hit by a truck, you should do your best to make sure they are ok.......but being a good big sister does not include being a doormat and free "mother's helper."