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I adore my nephew but...
So, I need to talk about this somewhere, and the only appropriate place seems to be here.
Many of you know I help with the care of my nephew, because he can't live with his parents because of numerous issues. Well...theres a new twist in the story.
My parents have my nephew at thier place full time, when I care for him I go and stay at thier house, because its easier for him to not be back and forth as much. My parents commited to caring for him for 1 year, to give my brother and his gf a chance to get thier lives together and to get custody back. Everything was going as plan, but some issues have come up recently, which could throw a wrench in everything.
1. My mom had cancer a few years back, and while she has completely recouvered from it...she has never had as much energy as she did before. Shes also in her 60's so running around after a 17m child has been hard on her. I am there when I can be, but I am also not available all the time (especially now that I have a job), and am also trying to balance newlywed life. This is fine, but it has made that 1 year commitment very firm in her mind, and it will not be extended, the 1 year ends in november.
2. My brother and his gf have been fighing with thier new social worker about everything. Comepletely refusing to listen to anything she says ( I actually sat in on one of thier meetings because my bro asked me to), and she is not being unreasonable. So I don't forsee them getting custody of Nephew back before the end of summer like was planned as they are not doing anything that the SW has recommended they do, and fight with her everything she comes. Not to mention they are both on welfare and not looking for work, which to the social workers makes them look like they might not finantially stable enough to get thier son back either (they have another son who is at home).
3. The biggest one, which I hope blows over, but I fear it wont. My brother and his gf have been fighting a lot. They live 4 hours away with my aunt, and I wouldn't even know this except that it had exploded all over fb the past few weeks, so last night I finally messaged my brother and was like..."dude, I love you, but you guys need to get a hold on what your putting out publically about your relationship", and asked him whats going on. He answered and said that hes done with the fighting and that they are done, because its unfair to everyone.
This is going to take all the work that has been done with socialworkers to a stop, if its true. They actually had a fairly good shot at getting D back if they had listend to the sw, but now, if its not just them getting thier kid back, but custody issues between them? its going to be a nightmare and I would be suprised if they got thier kid back in the next 2 years if they break up. They both have addictions, and criminal activity in thier backgrounds, and people have spent a LOT of time getting them into programs and couples counselling etc.
I understand why he wouldnt want to be with her, shes young and gets frusterated way easy and doesnt know much about being a mother, but she grew up in foster care and is still very young. And he has his own issues, I feel like they are giving up at the wrong time, that they need to focus on getting thier kid back together, and figure out how to parent together before just giving up. But of course I can't say that to them, but I know the system and have worked in the system and know that its going to virtually impossible for my brother to get his kids if hes not with thier mother (or at least not fighting with her), and hes not doing every thing he can to 'impress' the sw.
What stresses me out the most, is that with november not that far away anymore. What is my role with my nephew. I know that there is a good chance H and I will be approached as the next most suitible family members to take care of my nephew. I know that I have the experience and background to be able to. And I love my nephew to pieces, but I have 2 fears.
1. It won't just be the one who I have already developed a relationship, but it will be both of them.
2. I feel its unfair to ask H (who has never been around kids in his life), to be a temporary parent to not just one child who isnt his, but 2, and also therefor involving him in the drama that is my brother and social workers etc. Especially when we are so newly married and broke ourselves. I don't feel that 1 or even 2 children right now is a stress we need. We have a lot of other things going on ourselves at the moment finantially and careerwise. One of which is in Nov. when this could all potentially happen...H will be on a apprentiship which only pays 80% earnings for 3 months, and even at 100% we can just barely afford our morgage, so for sure I won't be able to take any time off working (not to mention I hope to be in a new job in sept).
I guess this is mostly just a vent, or a try and get things out of my head and get some feedback. Am I overreacting? How to I even bring it up with H? As much as I wanted to be a mom eventually (even a foster parent at that!), I wasn't ready for 4 months from now.
Re: I adore my nephew but...
That is quite the predicament. I'm assuming your H is aware of the family issues to begin with... obviously this is something you need to talk to him about. It isn't really anything you can avoid and the sooner you do it the better. Maybe he'll be more open to the idea than you think. I understand finances are an issues, but do you get no government assistance for taking care of the little guy(s)? I know you're in Canada.. isn't there something (I'm in Sask)
If you havne't filled him in on the latest issues (ie them possibly breaking up) I'd start there.. and then go into how November is fast approaching, and if your parents aren't up to helping out for longer you think that you guys will be the next family members approached to help and what does he think/how does he feel about that.
This is an incredibly tough situation and I really feel for you guys...good luck... you just need to talk to him about it.. as tough as that converstaion is to have.
this is what i was thinking... i'm not sure what the laws are, but you might be able to get some kind of financial help for taking in the kid(s).
other than that, i don't know what to tell you... that is one crazy situation! i wish you guys the best, and hopefully your brother and his gf can get their act together for their kids. good luck with everything... sending T&P y'alls way
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Thanks for reading my book...I didnt realize it was so long till I just looked at it now!
There is suppliment for respite and for "needs". Like I can get the gov to give me gas money to go get them or to drive back and forth to appments and stuff, but its not the same as foster money, theres no set monthly amount, just have to send them my reciepts and they decide if they will reemburse me or not (this is how its been with my parents). Food apparently is not a 'need'.
I currently get respite for when I watch my nephew, it works out to about $14 an hour or 60$ a day that they will re-emburse for having someone else watch him. So if I find someone to watch him I can go to work, but to me that kind of defeats the purpose of taking him. I might be able to get my mom to watch him 2 or 3 days a week, but the job I am hoping to get is most likely on call/evenings/weekends for the first while which makes it hard to schedule to make sure you get the right amount of respite (you have to do a ton of paperwork for it too).
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Sorry you are going through this. It sounds rough. I totally understand if you don't feel like you're ready to be a mom right now. It sounds like you've got a lot going on with your own life. I would be upset if my family member messed up and my entire life had to change as a result. I don't think being upset or questioning this arrangement in anyway indicates that you don't love your nephew.
Is there anyone else than can step in? If not, I would have a very serious talk with your brother, husband, and mother about the next step. It shouldn't all rest on you. Good luck and keep us posted.
You are definitely NOT overreacting. Becoming a parent is a HUGE commitment, and obviously you & your H have not chose to up until this point - you've been responsible adults, but now you are being forced into a corner because your brother and his GF obviously are not. It's a really difficult spot because there are children involved - they have done nothing wrong and deserve better parents than your brother & his gf are currently being - so either they don't get what they deserve or someone else (either you or your parents) have to give up their independence, excess finances, & freedom to step in.
It's just a really tough situation. If it were me personally, I feel like I'd be sacrificing my happiness and the life I've worked so hard for to be a parent because my brother can't get his life in order. I'd personally have some serious resentment issues (towards brother, not kids). I guess all you can do is lay it out to your H like you did in your post and see what his thoughts are if the worst case scenario happens. If it were me, I'd be unhappy to take the kids if it came to that but not heartless enough to not take them. Would it be possible to split the custody between you guys & your parents?
Best of luck to you guys, though. Keep us posted on what happens I know if it were me I'd be telling my brother to man the f#ck up and accept the consequences that come as a result of his past actions!
I talked to H,
He says his biggest fear is the actual parenting part. Which is legit, but as I reminded him, D already knows us and it would be really hard for me to see him go into foster care. We agreed that if we are approached about the older one (who we already have often on weekends, and I watch on a regular basis), we will take him for 1 more year to give my brother a chance to figure out his stuff. If we are approached about both boys we said we will provide respite but that we are not ready to take both, (if that means they go into foster care, unfortunatly so be it....) Hopefully if that happens someone else in the family with take one or both of the boys.
The hardest part for me is that my brother and his gf were doing so well with eachother and with the social workers and D was supposed to go home by the end of the summer because everything was going so well up until a month ago. But it looks as if the relationship is actually over (at least for now), as his GF is looking for somewhere to move out to, and the last 2 meetings they have had with social workers have not gone well. My brother is also actually a (fairly) good parent, not super experienced, but who is when they first have kids. However he was incarcerated when D was taken away from his mother, and has a background of unemployment, crime, trauma and anger issues, so to prove that he is the better parent to the ministry is pretty hard. He does really want to be in his kids lives, and I want to see him be the dad he wants to be. But he makes himself look bad when he has so much working against him in his history and then fights with the social workers because he thinks they are wrong.
My Blog:Through My Eyes