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Advice please...
First I changed my SN, not sure what protocol is on that. Was cbradies.
My FI and I are getting married 9/1, he's 29, I'm 26. He's been at his current job for a couple years now and has been miserable there for the past year/year and a half. Needless to say the economy and job market are sucking a fat one so finding another job has been a challenge.
On to the problem... he's borderline miserable when he gets home. Weekends are fantastic, but come Monday morning he turns into a different person. He wakes up pissed off. Same deal when he comes home - he pisses and moans about his day, complains about his bosses, etc. This has been going on for about a year. I've tried giving him every piece of advice, feedback, support I can but it's starting to drag me down. Here's where I'm at:
1 - In general, his feelings/his attitude rubs off on me and like I said, it drags me down a little. I want to cherish our time at home and instead it's a ***-fest.
2 - I feel like there is so much to be grateful for. Our home, our life. I feel like even though his job sucks, he needs to focus on what it provides us with. Likewise, a lot of people don't have jobs, can't afford their bills, their mortgage.
3 - There is a lot to look forward to. We're getting married in 38 days. It should be an exciting time. Not a time spent pissing and moaning day in and day out.
4 - This is where our values clash a little bit. Me and my sister were raised that you do what you gotta do, like it or not. Suck it up. He on the other hand is too proud sometimes. He does what he has to - goes to work everyday, works hard, etc., but has this attitude like "I'm so much better than this, I should be doing X and making X times more money..." It's ok, neither is right or wrong, we're just different. It's cause for some frustration.
4 - This is probably my own neurosis coming in to play, but I guess I feel like I'm not good enough... the advice, the support I've provided for the past year clearly isn't working, mainly because he simply doesn't take it. It's frustrating and it bums me out.
I've talked to him about this pretty much on a daily basis for quite some time now. It's ranged from words of encouragement ("You deserve something better just be patient, you'll get there") to tough love ("You have no control over this situation and you need to make a concerted effort to make it more tolerable and here's how...").
We spoke last night about it and came up with a solution... He gets 30-45 minutes to blow off steam when he gets home. After that, no more work talk. He's on board. Still, I feel guilty... I want him to feel like he can talk to me. Is this an reasonable arrangement? Am I being crappy? Any advice or suggestions are welcomed. Thanks in advance.
Re: Advice please...
I think that is a good way to handle it. Have him vent then get on with enjoying the day and making it better.
Two coworkers of my H and friends of ours (both much older then us) have told H not to bring work home. That a bad day at work should not affect and turn home life into a bad day. H does talk about work with me because I ask. We do what you have suggested. Talk about the day (good and bad) and move on.
Don't be upset if once in a while he stays in a bad mood. Some days may be just that bad but he should at least try to cheer up.
I think your solution sounds fantastic. I'm coming at this from the other perspective- I was the person in the miserable job (was a teacher, administrator harassing me daily at work, couldn't get out of my contract before the end of the school year or risk losing my license for breech of contract.) I got caught in a pattern where I'd spent 8+ hours that day already thinking thinking thinking about how bad things were and trying to solve (or avoid) problems, so it was very, very hard to "turn off the switch" and stop thinking about it, even after I'd left work! So even though I did _want_ to stop talking about it and thinking about it, it was hard.
Another thing my husband did that really helped was this: he listened and was really supportive when I vented after coming home from work, and then he did his best to help me fill up our evening together. We noticed that if we were just sitting on the couch watching TV for most of the evening, that gave us more time to let our thoughts drift and spin our wheels over the work situation. So, it became a pattern where we'd talk about it when we got home, and then go for a walk. Or go see a movie. Or window-shop at the mall. Or try a new restaurant for dinner. Anything to help ground us in the fact that there was a huge world out there that didn't revolve around how unhappy I was or how unfair this situation was.
Regarding the feeling of "not being enough," I hear you on that one. One of the big things we learned through this whole ordeal was that, as much as we love each other, we can't be each other's everything. And that's come up in other ways too- I am so very grateful that I have my husband to come home to when things are bad, but his presence can't negate the bad things that happen- it just makes coming home so much better, because there's somebody that loves me back.
Congrats on your wedding, and best of luck to both of you!
Fantastic advice Vgal, great to hear it from the others side perspective!
Ladies, thank you all for the help!